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Single? The truth.....

(84 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:17

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:52:26

Not really a favour to you.
It was something he did to get more money into the household.

Regardless, these people always have some good points, or else their partners would have left ages ago.

I have said this in another thread, but for me it's not so much the balance but whether you can live with the bad parts.
Can you live with the silence?
Can you live with his comments?

garlicyoni Thu 02-May-13 15:15:28

If you came round my house and did a bit of ironing, or some of my work, I'd be grateful. If you did while being grimly passive-aggressive, giving me the silent treatment and barking the occasional put-down, I would not have you anywhere near my house again. I certainly wouldn't sleep with you!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 02-May-13 15:27:02

Just adding my stone to the general edifice of "not only have I never wished I'd stayed, I regret not doing it sooner"

You deserve happiness, sunshine. Your current marriage is a drain on your happiness. And that won't change unless he changes (which he clearly doesn't want to do), or you leave. Only leaving is within your power: if he's demonstrated that he is unwilling to change, then it is time for you to take the only action you can and that is left you.

I have been single 2 years:

- I never sit home alone and lonely, as I have built a fantastic new life for myself. When I am home alone, I am not lonely, iyswim.

- If anyone thinks I want to steal their partner, they are twats. Can't say I've noticed anyone thinking that way in my circle. And even if they did, what of it? Their problem, not mine.

- I am proud of myself every day for leaving a deeply unhappy and unbalanced marriage. It truly is my greatest achievement, in terms of forging a more fulfilling life for myself.

lubeybooby Thu 02-May-13 15:37:57

Whaaa?

I'm sorry about your mums experience but being single is what you make it. If you look at it negatively and focus on the past or whats been lost etc and sit indoors feeling miserable then yes you're going to hate it.

I LOVE it and have not lived with anyone for nearly 6 years now so count myself as single really all that time.

I have had a couple of relationships of varying seriousness, a lot of dates, and a few 'friend with benefits'

I just love it so much. I don't ever go without sex or company, I go out a lot, it's awesome

the only downside is being responsible for everything financially. I don't think it fair to move some poor bloke in just for his money so therefore I don't do it

I keep my space and my own schedule and I like it that way. I don't see myself even getting into a serious relationship again til my DD is settled with uni and living away. Which is about 3 years away and I'm fine with that wink

badtime Thu 02-May-13 15:39:55

Sunshine, how is ice-cream for your children something that should come from 'your' money? Is your husband controlling financially?

Anyway, why are you paying any attention to what your mother says about this?

She would rather be with someone who was abusing her daughter than be single, even possibly for a short time. That is not normal. It may be that watching her fucked-up relationship style has influenced you more than you realise, and you feel you have to endure your horrible relationship, and be grateful for any nugget of civility that comes your way.

I was single for 5 years. I am now in a lovely relationship with a lovely man, but there are a lot of things I miss about singleness (the stuff about making one's own decisions without negotiation, mainly). Do it.

badtime Thu 02-May-13 15:49:51

Also, I meant to say, it is not surprising your mother fears being alone so much. She clearly doesn't like herself, if she needs the validation of a relationship at all times, and being alone with her thoughts would mean she would have to face up to the fact that she allowed her daughter to be abused for her own selfish reasons.

This doesn't apply to you, so you will be fine.

InNeedOfSense Thu 02-May-13 16:03:55

I'm recently separated from my h. I was very lonely in my marriage for a long time, and, tbh, I'm only just starting the process of working through the feelings / issues I need to learn from. My head is a bit pre-occupied, and I'm having many sad moments. But this week has been easier than last week, which was easier than the previous week.

There's an ancient proverb that says something along the lines of 'there is nothing sadder in all creation than a married woman who is unloved.' I used to cry when I read that. It still makes me well up now, typing it here. sad

In the last month, since h left, I've done so many positive things towards making a nice life for me and my dc, I've spent time with people whom I love and respect, and I've not felt anywhere near that level of gut-wrenching loneliness. Yes, I've had many sad moments, and I know I'm still in the middle of all the loss-breveavement type reactions, but I am genuinely doing okay. I had a nightmare last night which was to do with someone persuading me to take h back, and being coerced into going back to him and feeling as if I had no choice but to do so , and it was the worst dream I've had for a very long time , and I woke up in a panic and realised (once I realised it was a dream) that my subconcious was telling me that being forced to go back to h would be the very worst thing I can imagine. sad that I feel like this, but there's a great long back story, as there always is.

So far I don't regret h leaving. So far none of my friends, or their partner / husband has seen me as a threat. So far men have just been nice to me smile. So far it is much more like soul restoration than soul destroying.

Whatever you do, I hope you find true hapiness in life. smile

lubeybooby Thu 02-May-13 17:14:29

"So far it is much more like soul restoration than soul destroying"

Yes, absolutely this.

MumnGran Thu 02-May-13 17:38:32

Sunshine, I have just been reading back over this thread, and one sentence has stuck in my mind like glue"

"But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock"

Being on your own means you never have to feel that way again, and it is the best feeling in the world. You may have tough times, you may have lonely times, you may sometimes wonder where it all went wrong but none of those emotions come anywhere close to the dreadful feelings of living with an abuser.

Somewhere, hiding inside, is your self-esteem. Being single helps to find that again, and if that is all you ever get from it .....its well worth having. Being a mother doesn't automatically qualify you to be a decent individual let alone anything else......there are several threads here on toxic parenting. I think you need to turn to a really good friend for support, instead. Just someone who doesn't have their own agenda.
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