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Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

(170 Posts)
SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 11:32:47

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 11:35:29

What 'proof' are you actually after? He's actively looking for sex outside your marriage... isn't that enough reason to give him the drop-kick to the kerb?

'Putting it all behind you', I'm sorry means you've had your head in the sand. There is no wrong judgement about this scenario. He is quite blatantly offering himself up for affairs, he will deny it and you should kick him out while you decide what you want out of life.

Leverette Mon 29-Apr-13 11:37:32

You don't need proof that he's " done anything"

The fact that he is actively advertising for either extramarital action or a replacement for you tells you he's a user and needs to be shown the door pronto

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 11:40:44

Love, people swap RL contact details after going on these sites so the fact you have seen "no activity" on it for X number of months means nothing

The fact he didn't delete this account when he deleted the other (ie. he only modified his behaviour up to the point of the bits you knew about ) says it all really

He is still lying to you, and I suspect there is a lot of stuff you don't know, and plenty you never will

I couldn't live with that. Can you ?

OddSockMonster Mon 29-Apr-13 11:42:11

There's nothing 'normal' or 'innocent' about being on that sort of website, not when he's supposed to be committed to you.

The fact that he had a profile shows deliberate effort on his part. He didn't just stuble across it by accident.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 11:42:52

What on earth could be "innocent" about this kind of behaviour?? he is looking for sex outside the marriage as well as lying and deceiving you.

newbiefrugalgal Mon 29-Apr-13 11:46:56

You don't have to forgive because you did last year. This is different and relevant - I would sit tight though and get your head around it all.

These are two sites you know of, could be more?

Is the married dating one active? Ie can anyone 'here' contact him??

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 11:50:04

"I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back "

No 'may' about it. He 'is' sneaking around behind your back. I know it's a daunting prospect to confront him with what you know but please find the self-respect and strength of character to do it. Let this go and, like last year, he'll just carry on advertising his wares...

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:05:06

My friend found his profile with some friends, they had a girlie night and went on the site as a joke to see if they would recognise any of the local blokes, totally harmless fun to them, they did send a message to him but no reply. She said it says the last time he had logged on was last summer.

The reason I am slow in reacting is my best friend who I knew before I met my husband was male and after a few years if being married my H became jealous , even though he knew we had been friends for years, I was accused of having an affair and my husband told his family and friends we had been having an affair!
This wasn't true we were like brother and sister , but because we were so close my husband convinced everyone he knew I had betrayed him.
My friend and I decided it wasn't healthy to stay friends.

So I know first hand how it is for people to get the wrong end of the stick and to this day it drives me insane to think people were gossiping behind my back making stories up but based on what they saw, so I know first hand how things can look wrong when they are innocent which is why I don't know how to deal with this, it would be different if I knew he had been on the site recently for certain or he had been seen with another women, then I would know for certain which way I would deal with things.

My friend had printed off a copy of the profile, not a pretty sight at all!

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 29-Apr-13 12:08:24

You haven't got the wrong end of the stick though, have you?

I'd say to be caught on one shaggy site is foolish, but to be caught on another one is downright moronic.

Is he not very bright? Apart from the fucking around I mean?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Mon 29-Apr-13 12:08:56

Surely he should have deleted his profile from the 'married wanting affair' site. As he hasn't it looks as though he's still 'up for it'. He may not be accessing the site but what if someone sees his profile and sends him a message. Will he ignore it or think this is the chance he's been waiting for?

Personally I would test the theory by creating a profile. Call it a Honey Trap if you will but I would just need to know.

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 29-Apr-13 12:10:06

good grief OP so your husband's jealousy and (unfounded) suspicion ended up ruining a perfectly good friendship for you, not to mention tarnish your 'reputation' with his lies and accusations. that is so sad.

there is no 'wrong end of the stick' to consider when your husband has signed up to these dating sites. its immaterial whether he's gone ahead and met anyone from it IRL. how would he feel if you'd done the same? he's judging you by his own behaviour clearly when he accused you of betraying him. you can do better than this!

Trazzletoes Mon 29-Apr-13 12:11:10

He sounds like a right charmer!

Do you actually need to be certain that he has had an affair? The fact that he has made himself available, through a conscious effort, during your relationship, for sex with someone else speaks volumes about how HE views your relationship.

It doesn't matter if it was 2 years ago or 2 minutes ago. When you pulled him up on it last time, if he were decent he would have deleted all dating site profiles. He didn't. He only protected himself from the one site you knew about.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:13:18

Seriously!
What kind of a bloke joins a site,places a photo of himself and genuine details, apart from his age,lol and expects not to be seen by people he knows, that is the scariest thing, knowing I am living with a man who has blatantly put himself out to tender and look me in the eyes!

If I have this right, last May I went in hospital to have a biopsy dye to lady issues, all this must have been at the same time, and I was still obliging in the bedroom department before the op as nothing ever seems to put him off!

BeCool Mon 29-Apr-13 12:17:57

I don't see how signing up for these kinds of sites while being married can ever be 'innocent'. Even if he doesn't meet anyone, the intent to do so was there.

Is it possible all the accusations regarding you and your male friend, were deflections re what your H was actually up to. It is very common for wandering P's to accuse their spouse of doing what they are actually doing IYKWIM and your friendship was an easy target for him.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Smiley, I'm not normally one for saying this, but please LTB. I never understand why anyone (and you see it on here a surprising enough times) would allow someone a second chance if they've been caught on any kind of dating site. For me, it'd be game over (window shop in public when an attractive person walks by is one thing, that's REactive whereas physically creating a profile is PROactive). In your case, taking that and the crap surrounding your male best friend, I'd be kicking his sorry arse out the door.

littlecrystal Mon 29-Apr-13 12:26:30

I was in a similar situation. Found H on affair websites twice in the last few years, although both times it was low key profile, no details or picture. Didn't say anything for the first time, upped intimacy levels and noticed that his interest for affairs died out naturally and his profile expired. When I found for the 2nd time, I didn't tell him directly how I found out, I just said that I know that you are into this website and if this doesn't stop, this will be a dealbreaker for me. I didn't wait for his answer or anything, I just told and left him to digest. He took my message and started deleting emails from that account without reading, so I decided to restore our bed life and upped the intimacy levels again. This seems to work so far. But my H is a very simple type of cage man who is very dependant on intimacy levels, and he is not likely to look elsewhere if he is satisfied at home (or so I think!).

However if I found it again despite of having a happy life at home, it would be a deal breaker and I would kick him out. I wouldn't want him to even explain himself, I would be done.

mummytime Mon 29-Apr-13 12:26:55

Also do you realise one of the tips from the cheaters handbook says: If you are worried your partner might suspect - start accusing them of being unfaithful.
Him accusing you of being unfaithful was quite possibly because he was/was thinking about being unfaithful to you!

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:30:07

I opened a bogus account too, just a name, no details so I could send a message to my H, no reply But god , you should see how many blokes replied to a vacant profile just for an encounter with a stranger.

Now I feel guilty just by opening a blank profile , H has a photo of himself in broad day light and not ashamed!

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 12:30:49

You have 2 problems here.

Your first problem is that your dh's jealousy ruined your friendship. I have plenty of male friends and one in particular who is one of my best friends. I can happily go out alone with this friend and my dh would be fine with it. You know why? Trust. It appears that your dh did not trust you. Your word that you were not having an affair was not good enough for him. He forced your hand by telling everyone that you were cheating on him, thus making it impossible for you to continue your friendship.

This in itself is out of order. Who tells everyone that their partner is having an affair without any proof? Surely the first thing you do is to sit down with your partner and discuss your worries with them? Did he give you the chance to compromise at the time?

I find his behaviour there very controlling.

The websites are your second problem. Yes they were last year and the good news is that he hasn't logged on since then or answered your friend's message. However, he hasn't deleted them either has he?

As far as I am aware, men have to pay to join these married dating sites whilst women can join for free. So last summer his intentions were very clear, he was willing to pay to join a site where he could possible engage in no-strings sex.

There have been numerous articles about these sites and it's all about secrecy, discretion, having sex with other married people and not getting emotionally involved.

I think you do need to sit down and talk to him. Ask him why he didn't delete his accounts. Why did he feel the need to set them up in the first place? He needs to be honest with you about what was going on then or you won't get anywhere.

You have no proof that he has done anything but you have all the proof you need that he was going to do something and perhaps, if you hadn't found him out, perhaps he would have done. The thought is still there as the accounts are still open.

Don't allow him to throw your friend into the mix. He knew about your friend when he met you. There was no secrecy there. You were open and honest about your friendship. He decided he didn't like it and he forced your hand. That was a low-life and dirty trick to play. How would he like it if you told all his friends and family about his dirty little profiles on these websites? After all, what's good for the goose......

Honesty is the only way forward. If he can't be honest with you, if he turns it back round to you, if he denies everything and won't discuss it further then I fear for the future of your relationship. It seems that when things are going well, he's happy but the minute something goes wrong, well then those accounts are there for him.

I'm sorry but I would seriously question my relationship as I would feel that I didn't know my partner as well as I thought. The trust would be gone and I'd be paranoid that after every row, he'd be seeking a quick shag elsewhere.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 12:33:40

littlecrystal you may believe that shagging your husband more often will prevent him from turning into a deceitful and unfaithful prick but please do not advocate it as useful advice

because it isn't, it is a terrible idea

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:35:19

To be honest littlecrysal my H,s interest is insatiable and the happier he seems at home or when everything is great seems to be the time he thinks he can get away with things or I won't notice because we are happy.

He can be quite sneaky with other things at home and it doesn't tend to happen if he thought I was a little unhappy. X

Smiley - so, are you going to leave him or kick him out?

What mummytime said.
Accusing you = it was him trying to deflect!

cleoowen Mon 29-Apr-13 12:44:21

I would get your friend to message him and,see what he says back and gage his reaction.

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