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What to do? He tried to strangle me!

(47 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 13:44:42

He is an ex.

We argued. I told him to leave. He refused and started verbally attacking me. I insisted he left but he was adamant. The kids were present.
I started to shout that I wanted him gone. He mouthed off and spewed all abusive expletives under the sun which I won't bore you with. I chucked a bit of water on him and he jumped at me and puts his grubby hands around my neck whilst pushing me against the wall. The kids were screaming.

I have recently told the police that he was harassing me and refusing to break-up. He was cautioned about this. My fear is that if I tell the police about this incident, social services will probably be involved. I don't wanted them hanging over us like a dark cloud.

We share kids 50/50, which I'm not happy about but the kids love him. My eldest thinks I was wrong to chuck water at him, so it was my fault!!!She is only 7. I couldn't help them witnessing and I usually try not to get them to see/hear our arguments. Very little physical violence has happened in the past (shoving on both sides) but yesterday shocked me as I was not aware he would put his hands on my neck. I hate him and he won't leave me alone.

I have a board meeting tomorrow where I volunteer and don't want to rock the boat until tomorrow so he can babysit. He has offered to and he denies what he did angry What to do? I do need to tell the police don't I? Can I use this argument to get custody of the kids.

Thanks for reading

EldritchCleavage Mon 22-Apr-13 14:55:20

I have a board meeting tomorrow where I volunteer and don't want to rock the boat until tomorrow so he can babysit

Disregard all these practicalities, in the overall scheme of things they are minor. Please, let go of everything except the pressing need to get some protection from this man. All else is secondary.

And you may find that the kids love him less than you think, but express great and anxious enthusiasm for him because he is abusive and they instinctively placate him.

not much to add dryjuice, just agreeing with everyone who says don't let this guy near you, or your children if you can help it.
What will he do to them if they 'answer back' and he doesn't like it?
Sorry you have to miss your meeting, but in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal.
best wishes!

cestlavielife Mon 22-Apr-13 15:12:57

"I called his mum and she said she is going to have stern words with him"

that isnt enough, she is always going to support him - what is she going to say "oh please dont strangle dryjuice"! what will she say when he manages to kill you by accident or design?

no; he needs police action and court to keep him away from you and dc for now...of course kids love him he is their only dad...i doesnt make him a safe parent. thy can have supervised contact in a contact centre...

OxfordBags Mon 22-Apr-13 18:58:35

Dryjuice, his mum is his mum, she is going to praise him. She is not an objective source of opinion about him!

There is something about children in an abusive home that you need to understand: when one parent is abusive, whether to them, or 'just' to their mother, children will virtually always appear to adore and even favour the abusive parent. Notice that I said appear. This is a built-in defence mechanism that everyone has, but children and babies most of all. They seem to shower the abuser with love, but why? They do it to stop him turning the meanness on him. They do it because children always think they are responsible for things, and they think that if they are perfect, happy and keep Daddy happy, then he won't turn on Mummy. They do it in the hope that maybe if they're nice enough to him, it'll mend him.

Children always act up for the parent they love and trust the most. Children behaving fabulously for someone is not actually a great sign of that person being good with kids and them adoring that person. It indicates that they are scared to be themselves around them.

A man who auses his partner abuses his children. A mother is a child's world and to hurt her is to destroy their world. So he bribes them with crap food and doing whatever they want - that is them taking advantage of whatvthey can get out of him, not a sign they love him more. His abuse has damaged your self-esteem so much that you cannot believe your own kids love you.

If this man thinks that a child is perverted when they breastfeed, he is not just odd, but mentally ill and so deeply twisted that he needs help. He should not be around children, never mind 50-50 care. Here, you have to be cruel to be kind and not just collapse and give in and let the kids go to him that much. You are not giving them access to a father who dotes on them and worships them, you are giving them access to a twisted, unstable man who abuses their mother, therefore emotionally abuses them, no doubt fills their heads with lies and crap about you, manipulates and upset you through them (more abuse of them)... Time to get tough and keep him the fuck away from them. And you!

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 20:19:53

Dryjuice, are you using work worries to distract yourself from the awfulness of your personal reality? My suggestion: Phone police. Then phone work - you must have a home or mobile number - and tell them you've been attacked at your home, police are coming. Make arrangements for someone else to give your presentation. Phone WA and request a ringback after police.

Deal with this stuff, then later on phone someone trustworthy - Samaritans, if nobody comes to mind - so you can collapse into an emotional heap. And eat cake.

It is real. You will do the proper things for your children, and for yourself. And this is the turning-point. After this, things start getting better. Virtual hug!

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 20:29:17

Call the police and report it.

There is no other course of action that is remotely helpful to you and your kids.

If you need him for childcare, then you do not attend your meeting.

make other childcare arrangemnts or speak to your bosses and explain, asking for a leave eof absence until it is organised.

if he turns up at your house, call the police

cease all contact with him and the children

if I were you, at this point I would call SS myself and ask for help

they are certainly going to get involved at some point when your kids describe what happens in your house....if you demonstrate you have asked for assistance and are keeping him away from you and your kids it will be massive plus points in your favour

they won't take your kids away if you are keeping them safe

forcing them to witness further incidents of their father attacking their mother is not keeping them safe whether they "love him" or not

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 21:57:52

Just got weepy at all the fantastic advice and insight as I couldn't see the woods for the trees earlier.

Have reported him, officer coming tomorrow. Good bye twunt. I did try to be civil with him! No more.

Childcare sorted, thanks to neighbour/friend.

I can't reply to individual mumsnetters for now as I have to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. I feel like I'm daydreaming right now.

Thank you everybody. Really.Thanks

Lueji Mon 22-Apr-13 22:01:23

Good for you. smile

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 22:04:51

Good for you x2!

Yes, 'daydreaming' ... it's called derealisation, it's a survival mechanism for your mental health. You'll probably feel very tired soon. Don't fight it - and eat! You need to stay healthy.

Keep posting if it helps, but the work might help you more right now ;)

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 22:19:24

Well done x

Dryjuice25 Fri 10-May-13 23:24:28

Apparently the strangling didn't happen. He has the kids to back him up on his history re-write!! WTF

He is poisoning the dcs little minds and getting them to feel sorry for him! I just don't know what to do regarding this issue. I have tried my very best to not slag him off to them but now I am the crazy woman with strange imaginations of being strangled by him.

Advice welcome please on how to deal with this

Dryjuice25 Fri 10-May-13 23:28:29

The kids were there when he attempted to strangle me. They even screamed!!

Now they say it never happened. My eldest is displaying signs of challenging behaviour and I'm worried sick what else he might be telling them. I have no control whatsoever and I don't know what to do for the best now.

Lavenderhoney Sat 11-May-13 04:31:34

How did he get access to your dc to do this? It would be better not to engage with him at all. Did you contact the police and ss? I should think they've seen it all before with regards to people changing dc stories. Your poor dc must be terrified to agree to this. You need to take charge so they aren't dragged in and made to feel responsible for him and you.

Does he have to stay away from you anyway, if you went to the police?

SkaterGrrrrl Sat 11-May-13 05:21:51

You are so brave for calling the police. Well done for protecting yourself and your babies. Stay string and keep going, soon he will be out of your lives. X

SkaterGrrrrl Sat 11-May-13 05:25:00

strong

GilmoursPillow Sat 11-May-13 07:08:01

Who told you it never happened? Him? The kids? The police?

GilmoursPillow Sat 11-May-13 07:08:47

Sorry if that comes across as snarky, it's not meant to be blush

something2say Sat 11-May-13 09:49:01

Dry juice, keep your head.

Not only may they want to protect their Dad, and you, and so they choose to hide the truth from themselves, but also they are babies, and human beings seem to want to see sunshine rather than clouds, hence we gloss over nasty things and try to get back to happy things.

In the midst of this, you must keep your head.

You know he did it. End of conversation.

Issues now are.

Your safety.
Child contact.
Your children's behaviour.

Dryjuice25 Sat 11-May-13 11:57:49

Lavender
When the police were involved, he was barred from being in contact with me, but contact with the kids is still allowed as I told them I didn't think he would harm them how ironic/stupid is that

I have already contacted a solicitor who deals with custody issues as I have had enough of being nice and civil with this idiot. I want full custody of the dcs. Sod him! He doesn't even do a decent job of parenting them. Why should I continue to allow him to harm me directly and indirectly? I've had enough of this sorry excuse of a man.

GP
It's the kids who asked why dad is not coming swimming with us. I told them that mummy and dad need space away from each other and we don't want what happened that night(incident night) to happen again to which my daughter retorted "But daddy didn't even do anything. Why are you making it up?" This really shocked me. It sounded like something he would have said to my dcs.

They just want mummy and daddy to get on again. He has been sending messages saying that I'm lying as it never happened!!! WTF? Never a sorry or anything. I'm being accused of being unreasonable/crazy/ mentally unsound e.t.c which is why he is an ex. I just don't know how to get rid of this abusive twunt once and for all.

somethingtosay

You speak the truth.

And those are my priorities now. I believe I'm safe which is important. I however need to move from my house as I live like 5 minutes walk from him and bump into him everyday, which is a nightmare and was done deliberately in the guise of making it easier to share parenting duties. I can't even go to buy a pint of milk without bumping into him!!

Thanks for all yourmessages

Lavenderhoney Sun 12-May-13 05:43:20

Well done- and moving ASAP seems a great idea, plus alternative childcare- you don't want him in your house just in case he tries again. Are you renting and can give a months notice?

What about women's aid? I expect they will have advice too.

Dryjuice25 Sun 12-May-13 19:04:57

Lavender

I rent at the moment and toying around when to give notice. The landlady requires 2 months notice.

Women's aid will probably just echo my instinct to move away from the area I expect

Lavenderhoney Sun 12-May-13 20:26:50

That's great - 2 months is plenty to find a new place. Why don't you get onto letting agencies in the morning?

How are your plans for the summer? Are you working? Dc at school? It might all work nicely if you time it for schools and sort out some childcare.

Try not to minimalise as time goes by. Remember your fear. And don't tell him or the dc your plans, just in case.

Also check with women's aid and your solicitor- I'm sure other posters will have more detailed advice.

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