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problems with my father

7 replies

BabyHMummy · 21/04/2013 21:23

Can anyone please tell me i am not the evil witch i am being made to feel like...

To set scene...daft and i have always had a fairly tempestuous and at times abusive relationship...verbal not physical and it came to a head about 10 years ago after my mum and sister had a near fatal car accident. Dad and i barely spoke or had any contact for a few years. Recently things have been good and he has been very supportive over my marriage breakdown and pregnancy with new partner etc

And then tonight happened...we have swapped my car and am tying to sell my old one which is currently u insured and sat on my parents drive. He rang me to ask of mum could borrow as hers is off the road. I said yes but that she would need to add it as a temp vehicle on her policy as she can't use it whole its uninsured. He flipped at me and started yelling at me cos he says mum is covered to drive any car with owners permission. I told him that's done but the vehicle needs its own insurance or it illegal (i used to work for aviva insurance). He has flipped and been really arsey with me and basically put the phone down.

I have sat here all night crying my eyes out and feeling bad but i know i am in the right.

Please tell me dad is wrong and i am not an ungrateful bitch and have done the right thing

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ExRatty · 21/04/2013 21:40

It doesn't matter who is wrong or right. That isn't the point in angry disputes.

Why didn't your mum call you to ask to borrow the car?

I'm more interested in why a conversation like that has upset you so much. Why do you need us to tell you something you know to be fact?

People are arsey all the time to get their own way. Would you say that this is how your dad usually behaves?
Are you feeling a little hormonal due to the pregnancy?

From their point of view they feel they are asking you to loan them a car that is in their driveway. To simply do your mum a favour like they are doing for you. They feel like you are putting obstacles in their way.

You think you are helpfully pointing out an illegality. (Have you registered the vehicle as SORN? I thought it had to be insured even if off the road tbh?)

I'm sorry they have upset you so much but best to let it blow over.

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BabyHMummy · 21/04/2013 21:51

It should be sorn but as am selling it once a couple of jobs are done to it i haven't aswwill put a 30 day policy on it when i come to sell.

I suffer with anxiety so yes prob taken more to heart but he has a history with being unreasonable and being very nasty with me when i don't agree with him.

I never said she couldn't borrow it just that she would need to add it to her policy first and he has started screaming at me. He has an anger problem and loses the plot in what mum calls a 'red mist' that he then doesn't remember. He will claim not to remember anything other than me being a bitch in saying no. But its my car that risks getting impounded and destroyed if she gets stopped and she could lose her licence. If it happened he will blame me.

I guess after having a really shitty and abusive relationship with him for most of my life and only over the last 4-5 years of having an ok relationship with him i am scared that it will go back to its old ways.

I want my daughter to know her grandparents but i won't subject her or me for that matter to what i went through

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ExRatty · 21/04/2013 22:17

first of all bless you it sounds scary and not what anyone would want to face.
You can't make his anger any better only he can
You can deal with how you react to him. It's horrible being on the receiving end of anyone who shouts and bullies.
Putting a #stop in helps.
Saying calmly "Dad I'd like to talk to you about this when you are better able to listen" etc won't work initially but over time he'll get the message that you won't do what he wants when he shouts and it will be faster and easier to treat you like a human

I still don't understand why you mum didn't call you to discuss it as she is the one wishing to use the car?
Why do you think that is?

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BabyHMummy · 21/04/2013 22:25

I get what you are saying but there is zero.point talking to him when he loses it cos he won't remember and won't listen. Have tried. I tried saying to dad that i wasn't trying to be awkward just didn't want mum getting into trouble.

Mum i am guessing will have said same to him that i did and he will have ignored her too. Either that or he hadn't said he was gonna ask me.

The really stupid thing is before he started ranting i was gonna offer him my current car as dp has 2 so could have used one of those for a few days as am i sure on them.

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BabyHMummy · 21/04/2013 22:31

Can't believe at 33 i still let him make me feel.this way grrr

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PaperLantern · 21/04/2013 22:36

BTW you probably don't want to hear this but you were wrong.

Legally the only thing that has to be covered is damage to third party vehicles. Many policies (particularly for older low risk indviduals) includes a "driving other vehicles" clause. this will provide Third party only cover. Perfectly legal.

Aviva you say? Never was a great fan of Norwich union

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BabyHMummy · 21/04/2013 23:00

I wasn't wrong. Her policy states the car has to be insured.

In cases where the policy states the car doesn't require its own insurance it becomes u insured the second the walks away from it which she would need to do in order to.go into work. It then becomes me who has broken the law in allowing her to use it and i face up to a 10k fine