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Relationships

Deliberately being an arsehole or just not thinking?? or am I being unreasonable in the first place??

38 replies

Peachyz · 20/04/2013 16:36

I'll try and be brief. DP and I in the process of buying a house together, hopefully in the next 2 months. He knows my children well as they live with me and he spends a lot of time here at the moment. He has his children (aged 16 and 17) every Saturday night and I've met one of them once and the eldest twice (very briefly the second time, I was simply in the car when his dad picked him up so didn't even talk to him really). All well and good, great kids, meeting went well, they apparently like me but DP has never bothered to arrange another meeting. There has been a few great opportunities, one being that we are going to a show his kids would love - I suggested we take them and DP made excuses. Another one was a day trip we could do that would be perfect for his kids - again he put it off and put it off and it never got arranged. So yesterday I put it to him that I hardly know his kids and very soon the poor sods will be expected to stay with me every saturday night despite the fact that they don't even know me. I said I felt a little "shunned" by his behaviour and feel that he should want me to get to know his kids and I feel a bit rejected that every time I try and get to know them, he pulls them away from me. He said he understood what I was getting at. In the same conversation I said I felt a bit down that I was on my own all weekend every weekend. Especially when the weather is nice, he's off with his kids, my kids are with their dads, my friends are with their families and I feel really bloody lonely at the moment. It would be nice to be included now and again you know? not all the time, I know they need their "dad time" and that's cool - but every now and again, when the weather is nice, would it kill them to let me come along for the ride? Especially as we still need to get to know each other before the house move. DP again says he understood.

So today, blazing sunshine outside and my kids have gone with their dad as planned. I'm sat on my own in the house wondering what the hell to do as my friends are all busy. DP text me about an hour ago saying "are you all on your lonesome now? I'm just off to the river front with the kids ... "

So part of me is thinking Hmm "yeah I'm on my lonesome, thanks for rubbing it in" but then another part of me is thinking "Oh hang on, he's obviously finding out if I'm on my own as he can pick me up on their way to the river, after yesterdays conversation and all ... " so feeling slightly more cheery I reply "yes, the kids have been picked up, I'm alone now :-) " and he replied ....... "ok, I'll see you tonight when I've taken the kids home x"

wtf?? why even ask if I'm on my own then?? is he just trying to be a twat and pull on my strings or what? It's like he deliberately goes out of his way to upset me sometimes.

Go on, you can all tell me I'm being unreasonable now but christ, all I want to do is get to know his children before we become a "blended family", for their sake more than mine!! is that really so unreasonable?

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 16:37

Oh and to add insult to injury, they go past my house on the way to the river front. It wouldn't even be out of their way to pick me up.

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Lovingfreedom · 20/04/2013 16:38

Why didn't you ask to join them?

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Offred · 20/04/2013 16:40

not unreasonable no, why on earth does he want to move in with you if he is not going to prepare the kids for it by having you around them a bit more often? Very short-sighted of him IMO or else he simply has no intention of living with you and is a liar...

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 16:40

Because after the conversation yesterday, I shouldn't have to ask! I feel like I'm begging to be involved in his kids lives when really, he should want me involved considering we're very close to moving in together!? it's for their sake more than mine

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Offred · 20/04/2013 16:41

shouldn't have to ask is a bit silly given you clearly do need to ask specifically so that you can find out whether he is deliberately keeping you at arms length! He might have interpreted your smiley face as being happy with being alone!

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MooncupGoddess · 20/04/2013 16:43

Did you post earlier this week under a different name, OP?

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Hassled · 20/04/2013 16:44

Are you absolutely sure that when the DCs met you they realised you were the girlfriend? I mean - are you sure they actually know who you are? He's clearly keen to keep you apart, and there has to be a reason.

In your shoes I'd tread very carefully re the buying a house together without properly knowing his children.

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sunlightonthegrass · 20/04/2013 16:44

Ah, Peachy I can empathise with so much of your post even though I'm not in the same situation, but yes I've spent most of this gorgeous bright sunny day just SITTING - somehow it's so very depressing isn't it!

My dad has always done this with new partners - goodness knows why - he spends most of them time with them, then I get a slot and so does my brother; occasionally brother and I get a slot together but never shall the three of us meet. I haven't a clue why but I really sympathise.

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Nanny0gg · 20/04/2013 16:47

Why has your relationship got this far without you meeting his children? It's not like they're tiny and would find things confusing.

You need to pin him down tonight about how it's going to work once you've got your house. And if he's not prepared to start you all being together (especially all the children) before the sale goes through, then I'd be rethinking if I were you.

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 16:52

It's all so weird!! I mean it took him an age to introduce me to the kids at all saying he was scared they'd be upset etc etc - they're almost men not bloody toddlers!! so yeah, the longer that went on, the more I started to suspect that he hadn't even told them about me but then he arranged for us to meet one night and they seemed absolutely fine. It was obvious DP and I were together (quick kiss on meeting and saying goodbye etc) so no worries there.
And now he's desperate for us to be kept apart again!! I have asked how he thinks it will work us all living together when they hardly know me and he said it will be the same as it is now, they'll arrive, we'll have dinner, he'll take them out and then they'll go to their rooms or watch TV. So from this I'm getting that he's assuming minimal contact once we live together too? I then put it to him that as his kids don't know me well enough, is he prepared for his sons to suddenly decide they don't want to come and stay on a weekend because I'm there and they're not comfortable with it? he said "yes, I'm prepared for that, DS1 is almost 18 anyway so probably will get tired of access weekends before long".

So he's even prepared to drive the lads away rather than integrate us properly?? Makes me wonder if he's terrified they'll mention something dodgy or I'll drop him in it with something he doesn't want them to know!

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NotTreadingGrapes · 20/04/2013 16:56

I find it extremely odd tbh that you are buying a house with a man who has children (albeit almost adults) who don't really know you.

It sounds (best case scenario tbh) as though he is worried they will react badly towards you rather than that he is hiding something/there is something dodgy.

But it's still unacceptable. You're all going to have dinner together and then they will go to their rooms and you'll all ignore each other? Too weird. You need to talk about this before you buy this house and move in together.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2013 16:59

Red flags a plenty here.

Do not buy a house with this man!.

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 17:01

But why?? If it was the normal shit like having his phone glued to him, stopping me going out with mates, lying about money etc etc I'd agree - red flags but why or why would you try and prevent someone from having a relationship with your kids if you were trying to create a blended family? it makes no sense!

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Lovingfreedom · 20/04/2013 17:06

He's not trying to create a blended family is he? If he was you'd be at the river now and getting close to his kids. What are his motivations for wanting to buy a house together?

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 17:09

See another thing I've just thought off too - My cousin (who is facebook friends with DP) posted a few photos this morning of her, her partner (been together less time than me and DP) and her kids and his kids all at the park together playing in the sun - how cute! DP "liked" the photos - does he not realise the irony or is he just going out his way to rub it in my face?

Liking photos of families in the process of "blending"
Texting me asking if I'm all on my lonesome Hmm
Driving past my house to take the kids to the river front when it would have been a perfect opportunity for me to spend an hour or so with them?

Maybe I'm reading too much into it all but it honestly feels like he loves to see me wound up sometimes.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2013 17:10

"why or why would you try and prevent someone from having a relationship with your kids if you were trying to create a blended family? it makes no sense!"

Indeed it does not so you need to ask him, be prepared for him to stonewall you as well. He is acting like this for a reason. You seem like a fallback to him really; you get seen after he has taken his almost adult children home.

His response will tell you all there is to know.

Whose idea was it to move in together?.

You don't seem to know him at all well really.

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Leverette · 20/04/2013 17:11

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 17:11

I can't think what other motivations he would have for us buying a house together? he's a higher earner than me, he has the majority of the savings, he could buy a smaller but posher house if he didn't have to consider me and my kids ... it's not like I'm enabling him to buy the house of his dreams or anything, he's having to compromise a lot for my sake

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Nanny0gg · 20/04/2013 17:19

You are not reading too much into it at all. It is frankly, odd.

And I would be expecting some straight answers next time I saw him.

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 17:21

Well he's coming around at 6pm apparantly, after he's taken the lads home. I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth it to be honest. When I see other 'new families' in the early days, photos on facebook, weekends together, no aggro or weird behaviour - sometimes I feel it would be easier to just go out and find one of those kinds of blokes you know? Fuck it would be easier to be on my own! At least I'd know where I was then.

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CastroIsDead · 20/04/2013 17:34

have you posted under another name? is this the one that was living with you but seeing his kids at his mums at weekends and threatens to leave when you argue?something about a bike possibly? sorry if im wrong this just reads very familiar

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 17:36

No Castro that isn't me. He doesn't threaten to leave and we don't own a bike between us lol

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CastroIsDead · 20/04/2013 17:45

apologies then. was the not seeing his kids and you being lonely at weekends that sounded familiar.
seems there are a fair few non commital and emotionally immature men out there.
i don't think you should buy a house with him. how far into the process are you? i mean have you made offers or looked or just talking about it?

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Peachyz · 20/04/2013 17:54

We're just looking at the moment. So it's easy to put a stop to it.

When he arrives tonight he'll start raving on about what a great weekend he's had. I'm going to say there and then that I thought he would have invited me out for an hour or so. It's not as if I'm trying to muscle in on their time together, I mean, he picked up the lads yesterday at 6pm so he's had all night with them alone, all morning today and most of the afternoon - would an hour this evening really have been so much to ask? I don't think so, not when he gets to be fully involved in my kids lives - ONE hour before he takes them home. If they hate me and don't want to spend any time with me fair enough, I'm totally prepared for that but he at least needs to have the balls to be honest with me instead of just avoiding the issue all the time and pretending everything is perfect.

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Ruralninja · 20/04/2013 18:03

I don't know if someone else's experience is any help to you OP, but when my DH and I got together, he went to some trouble to get us all together, even though his kids were 26 and 23 at the time and living at opposite ends of the country. When we got married, we all went on holiday together, they brought their other halves and there was a good non-pressured environment for getting to know each other. Importantly, this was helpful for them and gave us all a chance to relate to each other as we wanted / found comfortable. Your DP's approach is quite controlling, because there are 3 people that he is trying to control how the relationship develops and what it consists of.

What is he worried about? The worst that can happen with kids that age is that you find you don't massively get on or have much in common and so choose to minimise the amount of time you spend together - but surely they are old enough and you are entitled to, reach that conclusion on your own.

There is an alternative too - you really get on and all get something rewarding out of the relationship.

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