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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can we talk about stone walling please?

62 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 18/04/2013 23:58

My bloke has just dumped me by email (classy) after a very short but intense relationship. All the warning signals were there. A major one for me was the stone walling. I noticed that every time I had an issue with the realtionship he would go very cold and refuse to discuss. He percieved it as a very personal attack.
Last Friday he came round as usual, we got pissed and I tried to initiate sex. he didn't want it which is fair enough but I had a little strop (immature I know) and said I felt rejected. he did reassure me but I didn't really remmebr the conversation and we ended up having very rough sex. I do like rough sex but this just felt wierd and different from normal. The next day I got cystitus.We spent the next evening togather and no sex due to cystitus.
On Monday I was still feeling wierd about the wierd rejection/sex thing and then texted him. I think I bruised his pride. However he kept ignoring me and refusing to take my calls....for most of the week. It drove me a bit potty. I have bad pmt/menatl health issues relating to that. The more he ignored , the more I texted. I know I was stupid but I felt like I was being ignored, unloved, I wanted reassurance etc. He dumped me by email today and is still refusing to talk.
Was I a twat for texting about the wierd sex? I am just very open to discussion. I said I felt a change as he used to be able to want me all teh time. I feel like a twat as he was pissed up, full up after a lovely meal and just wanted to chill. But I felt rejected. Stupid I know. I cant force anyone to Did I deserve to be ignored and dumped. I am off to the doctors tomorrow and devastated as I I thought I found a lovely man but he dumpoed me by email. Surely he could have tried to to reassure me ? He said he felt criticised which is probably true. I'm in a mess.Am I mad or is being ignored crazy making? Agggrrr! I just can't tell my arse from my elbow in relationships.
On Sunday I baked his son a birthday cake. Another red flag was he told me htold me he loved me three weeks in after two shags and wanted the kids to meet soon after which was too soon in my eyes.

OP posts:

Report

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 00:00

I mentioned the birthday cake as we were all getting so close as a unit and now the rug has been pulled from my feet. What hurts the most is that if I did deserve to be dumped he could have called or come round.

OP posts:

jenny99 · 19/04/2013 00:17

Read this about stone walling
(Hope the link works?!) x

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 00:21

Thanks jenny will read. I have just read the stuff about emotionally abusive relationships. Part of me thinks that I may be an abuser; Pestering my man for sex and making a fuss when he is too tired. Bomarding him with texts when he clearly dosn't want to talk and needs space. Gosh I am so messed up when it comes to men. Will I EVER have a normal adult relationship?

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superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 00:22

Oh yeah an dwhen he dumped me I tried to make him feel guilty by saying how hurt I was and could we talk. agggrrr! I'm taking time out from the dating world until more sorted.

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Monty27 · 19/04/2013 00:26

I'd run for the hills if a man behaved towards me like you did to him.

I'd probably stonewall them too, and I hope that doesn't make me an abuser.

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 00:27

Read it....that's him. Mabe I was messed up about the sex thing but I wanted to talk about it and apologise and make ammends. he just flat out ignored my attempts to put things right. We always had great banter during which he's say 'I'm always right.' LAt the time it was a big joke but now I can see he wants to be always right otherwise it's incomunicado time for me and yes; I did feel crazy about it all.

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Monty27 · 19/04/2013 00:28

I haven't read the link. I'm going to now though.

Monty27 · 19/04/2013 00:31

Read the link. No that's not me, phew.

WinkyWinkola · 19/04/2013 00:32

He sounds creepy and controlling.

You sound very needy and should learn to sit on your hands and not text into silence.

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 00:41

It was a mutual fuck up. I can see that I'm a needy mess and yes; I don't blame him for running. tbh; I have no idea where the sex thing came from. issues. give me a hard time..i do need to hear it but im also a mess right now. WHY do I destroy my relationships?

OP posts:

jenny99 · 19/04/2013 00:41

Please read the link again and again. It says he won't change, it is him with the problem not you. Walk away. It is irrelevant whether the texts you sent were silly/unnecessary etc. if he is a stonewaller and you recognise him from that link then I would suggest you walk away.

WinkyWinkola · 19/04/2013 00:48

He's the fuck up.

If he were a good man he would have listened to you, responded to your texts and you wouldn't have felt compelled to send so many.

Two separate issues there as you shouldn't have texted on and on but he sounds vile regardless.

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 00:48

I know. Monty has a point. I sent a shitty text then wanted to make it better and instead drove him away. I guess we arent compatible. he is a good man though in so many ways but no communication. I feel like a sad twat.

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MissFredi · 19/04/2013 00:56

You will get better at relationships, I can promise you!

I was exactly the same. Texting incessantly, calling, what have you. Then I had a big break from it all and met DP and now we have a house and are ttc and there's no neediness or anything.

I felt exactly how you do now and I really want you to know how good things will get in the future!!

Sorry, weird post, just sounded exactly like my history of relationships

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 01:00

He did respond a bit..sporadically and coldly. He says he never meant to upset me. It's my fault and I love him but its over. sad.

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superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 01:07

Heres the break up message:

'I really wasn't trying to upset you. I've found it difficult to deal with this week and I'm thinking that things aren't going to work out for us. I've been in a relationship before where there were similar problems and it didn't end well. I don't want to be in that situation again. It gives me no pleasure to say this as you are a good person, but I think we should stop seeing each other. I'm really sorry, but I just can't continue.'

This is so reasonable and fine but he could have said it over the phone but then he probably didn't want the inevitble fall out.

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MissFredi · 19/04/2013 01:09

I almost find it funny when they say that. "I didn't want to upset you" - so you broke up with me?

...right...

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 01:11

Thanks Miss Fendi. Flowers greatly apprechiated. Yeah...and ignore me for about a week. Ok so I was a dick but I wanted to apologise for being a dick and he wouldn't have it.

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MissFredi · 19/04/2013 01:12

Sorry we were typing at the same time!

It's exactly the same reasons as well!

It "happened to him before".

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 01:14

I though that. I wonder why. Let me guess; girl gets upset, tries to communicate. He refuses to communicate, she ties herself up in knots trying to communicate ad nauseum.

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MissFredi · 19/04/2013 01:20

Lather, rinse, repeat!

MissFredi · 19/04/2013 01:24

I don't know where that came from. Sleep deprivation lol

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superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 01:27

I was a dick about the sex though. That day my friend (who is worth a whole other thread) asked me if the relationship was passioante enough. I think this got into my head. In fact I am going to start a thread about her as shes controlling too!

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superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 01:28

I also told him about my bipolar dtendancies which is a big ask for anyone but if he was the right man he's have come over, given me a huge hug and TALKED about it. Or at least phoned to tell me he wasn't sure he could deal with it.

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superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 02:29

So mabe he had an ex with bipolar tendancies which is a big ask and I don't blame him for running but to be dropped from a big hieght like that is so demoralising. Last weekend we had an amzing and romantic weekend away in London. It wa sawesome. I just don't get it.

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