God why did I do it

[Brightlydoesit]

I have posted another thread on here about bf leaving me almost every time we argue. Then blaming me for everything in some way.

This time he left and I didn't hear from him for 10 days (yes I had been having a moan at him and asking for reassurance that he loved me) all of which he took as a personal attack on him. Anyway I was beside myself for days crying all the time trying to work out what I'd done wrong. Then the last 2 days I began to feel a bit better, then he rings!!!

Makes out he wants to arrange to return some belongings and then conversation turns into giving it another go. I had half come to accept it was over before he rang and this put me right back. However he expected things to be hunky Dory after leaving me for 10 days and I was feeling bitter and angry.

Basically it's ended up me practically asking him to continue the relationship today after we decided yesterday it wouldn't work. And us arguing tit for tat who said what. Honestly I've never been so ridiculous with anybody before, he just drives me to it. Now he has said he needs time to think. I know it won't work and he has messed my mind up so badly. I've lost count of the number of times he's gone and come back

MN has told me he's a fair weather friend and its true even today proved that as soon as I became confrontational it was " oh well it's not going to work"

Some of the things he has done are horrible he even left me on my own on Boxing Day! I am mad at myself for allowing myself to go back to square one, I was doing ok before this now I want to die again

[Brightlydoesit]

It has ended with me saying well I,l make the decision and it over. He just agreed. Why am I so upset? I feel I let myself down, it's horrible to know he doesn't love me anymore after 3 yrs, I feel so alone, I feel used. God I'm just a mess. I think there's and element of codependency as well

[Cherriesarelovely]

I'm not sure if I understand this completely but he sounds like one of those people who is horrible followed by being lovely and so on. You keep on hoping for the lovely time even when he is being horrible. I had one relationship like this a very long time ago and by the time it had finished I was so messed up he could have persuaded me that black was white.

Make the decision yourself to finish it. You will need to give yourself time to recover from your messed up head and you will only do that by not seeing him. Sorry, I don't know very much about you at all but that is my take on things from what you have said. It is a horrible place to be emotionally.

[Monty27]

I don't think this will ever change. Be kind to yourself and get rid.

[Brightlydoesit]

I was doing quite well last week and tonight am so upset again.

Cherries that is exactly how I feel he will argue black is white and I didn't know if I was coming or going. I don't know how to get over this

[gettingeasiernow]

Brightly, he sounds to me like a bloke who will never be sure if he wants you or not, some are just like that and it's so wearing on every level when they are not consistent. You sound like a woman who desperately wants it to work, but you will be emotionally pushed from pillar to post by the inconsistency. I think it sounds like as a couple, you don't bring out the best in each other, and this is such an important thing. I think you will be kinder on yourself in the long run if you cut him out. Sorry you are so upset, be brave, decide what is the right thing to do and then keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will get better.

[Hatpin]

You get over it by going absolutely 100% no contact.

He's using you to fulfil his own needs but will never meet any of yours.

He won't change. Bin, bin, bin!

[Brightlydoesit]

He wants me as long as I'm toeing the line, not bringing up things he doesn't want me to, basically being happy and not challenging him on anything. He is very defensive and I was unable to express true feelings freely. I think I was EA really even if he didn't mean it and I'm finding it so hard to get past it.

[Brightlydoesit]

Hatpin I think he's a user. I still find it hard to believe I invested 3 yrs in the relationship and I loved him. It's horrible to think he was not genuine

[DippyDoohDahDay]

Op you won't just get past it as soon as you want to, but the old saying a day at a time, it's really true. And one day, you will have left it behind you and think phew, thank god I got out of that !

[Hatpin]

Have a read of the Baggage Reclaim website, esp the posts about emotional unavailability and investment in relationships.

The blowing hot and cold is deliberate behaviour to manage your expectations of the relationship down to a point where he can handle it. In other words when he gets uncomfortable about the level of intimacy / commitment you require / expect he does a disappearing act. Then he comes back when he thinks he's left it long enough for you to have stopped being angry / wanting to break up, and started being desperate to reconnect again. If you've been together 3 years he will have perfected his timing by now.

It's a classic script you've described.

[Brightlydoesit]

Dippy I so wish that day was here it hurts so bad now

Hat pin I think he did it to control my feelings and my behaviour. Not sure about him not wanting intimacy he could express his emotions quite well . He seemed to have problems with me expressing mine though unless they were always positive loving ones towards him. He keeps telling me he gave up everything for me, moved away from his young children, and extended family, changed place of work. As if he did it all to benefit me and there was nothing in it for him at all

[DippyDoohDahDay]

Brightly, I was where you are for several years...but you really can turn a corner. You know it's not right when being in love is being in pain....

[DippyDoohDahDay]

Bit like a drug, addiction. You get the lows, he comes back, you have a high, which you need as low felt so bad. But the situation is getting worse so the lows become more frequent, the gaps between them shorter, and the highs briefer, because bubbling beneath is the sub text that this is no good for you...

[Brightlydoesit]

I just wonder how I will trust anyone enough again to let them in. I'm in my mid forties and think it just gets harder to meet someone as you get older, not that I'm rushing into that at all

[Brightlydoesit]

Yes it did get worse each time he did it chipped a bit more out of the relationship. I'm an insecure person anyway and this fed it and when I tried to tell him the effect it was having on me and the relationship he just accused me of running him down and said it was all about me!

[Monty27]

Bright you don't need this. You will meet someone who truly loves you and cherishes you and makes you happy, 45 is not old!

Please believe in yourself and remember we all deserve happiness.

Best wishes

[Brightlydoesit]

Thank you for your replies

I think he has made me feel responsible in some way for his behaviour and that if it wasn't for something I'd done he wouldn't behave in the way he does

That why I wonder if I am capable of a successful relationship

[superstarheartbreaker]

Op sorry to hijak but my man has just dumped me by email and he was like your ex. Hot, cold. If I raised an issue he would freeze me out;stone wall like fuck. My head was fucked up after only two months. God knows how you lasted three years. Nice/nasty/nice / nasty. It's awful and like you I blame myself.

[Brightlydoesit]

Sorry to hear that. Dumping by email- what a coward. Mine rang me on Boxing Day whilst I was at work to tell me he was leaving me and wouldn't be there when I got home. This because I said something he didn't like on Xmas day. Again I was heartbroken. Should have left it then and there

[nametakenagain]

From what you've said, Walk away...

This is not good for either of you.

Though I would put money on him wanting you back if you strictly drew a line. Even though you would both be back in the same cycle. And on and on and on.

Take a break and work out what you want.

[Monty27]

I did 13 years of it, there were breaks of several months every couple of years, we had our own houses.

We've been apart now for 2.5 years and he would have me back tomorrow, nah.

My biggest regret is I'm 13 years older, but the upside is, I know I will meet someone, and I'm a lot older and wiser :)

Be strong op, don't waste your life on this individual. I know I'm saying it in hindsight but........

[Brightlydoesit]

It's hard to say goodbye to all the plans we made moving in together, holidays, places we were going to go, taking my ring off. He doesn't seem to care when I said ok well il make the decision and its over, he just said fine and I've heard nothing. I need to detach I need to get away I need to get my life back

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

You WILL get over it. I'm now at the point with my tosser like this that when he messages me on fb asking if we can 'meet up for a cuppa', I just snort with derision and ignore.

(It's usually immediately following posts saying that he is destined to be lonely, why does he make such bad choices in women, he's broken up with his latest bird, goodbye cruel world posts - often literally saying goodbye cruel world. I then know that within days he will message me.)

I place bets on how long afterwards now. He did surpass himself last time and message me that he wanted to meet up for a cuppa just 3 hours after breaking up with his latest GF.

I ignored and snorted. We have had NO contact for 4.5 years now, you'd think he'd get the message!

However, when we first broke up, after 8 years of a relationship just like yours, I HOWLED for days. Literally. It felt like by going no contact by MY choice, I was breaking my own heart into 20,000 tiny pieces.

Bit by bit I put myself back together again. And I am a much stronger person for it.

He still makes me giggle though, with the persistence of messaging me after every break up despite never getting a response. Twat.

If I can put myself back together again, so can you. (((Hugs)))

[Brightlydoesit]

If nothing else this has taught me what I DON'T want in a relationship when I next venture into one in the dim and distant future. The first hint of anyone behaving in the ways he has and il be off. I will never be as tolerant again. Next time it really WILL be about whether someone is making me happy not papering over cracks and bending over backwards to accept shit behaviour. I will never allow someone to tell me al my faults are responsible for their behaviour.

I've never been an angry bitter person so I hope this feeling goes I really do

[DippyDoohDahDay]

Op, write. Out the above post and put it somewhere prominent, let it be your mantra! That is the strong you talking. I feared I could not or would not have relationships again. Happily now, I don't care as I need time to re find me again.