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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 21:38:03

It's extremely unlikely your children have had anything like approaching a 'good life' for at least 5 years. To which must be added the period when he was having an affair.

They know. They hurt.

End this now, for their sake as much as yours.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 22:42:05

Off to bed now. Sat on the sofa watching mock the week. Nothing said. Nothing. I have not got the energy. Where will he sleep? Will he ask? What will be said? I am exhausted. Is easier to say yes you can come to bed. And it all starts over again. That is if he asks.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 22:45:55

That is an extremely grim way to live

You don't have to exist like that

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 23:55:19

Pfft to you not having the energy. You haven't got the will to see this through and take control of it, that's all.

He's saying nothing because he doesn't want anything to change, that's all.

Neither do you, it would appear.

AgathaF Wed 17-Apr-13 07:02:42

You do not have the energy to instigate the much needed conversation with him because you are emotionally wrung out by the way you have been living for the last five years.

You are existing. That is all. Not living, not getting joy from life, not waking up looking forward.

You can only start to heal once you separate from him. You can't heal in this limbo situation. And healing is very much what you need to do.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 08:40:47

I instigated tricky conversations yesterday and went in circles. Late last night he says he loved me. I said that I did not feel loved and slept. He stayed on sofa again. Have just talked again and yes it does have to be me that brings it up. He siad he did not want me to be unhappy, I said I understood that but he was also not interested in making me happy. He wants to stay, he says with me but perhaps just here. I repeated that I was not going to live like this. It is hard living with someone who does not look forward to seeing me. It replied he merely meant that he did not think about me all the time. I am sure he is comparing this with how obsessed he was with ow.

This puts the onus back to me. I do not know what to expect, if I should feel lioved at this stage. I think I should but perhaps it is me who is failing. Failing to value what he does offer. Why do I need more? I have a good career I earn less but my job is a career and I love it most if the time. I have friends and family. Perhaps this hollow bleak bit inside of me is my problem. Is it fair to expect him to make me happy? I am responsible for that surely?

Badinage, you seem to be saying that it is my fault I am unhappy. I think you have a point.

LisaMed Wed 17-Apr-13 08:43:57

Do you think he would be unfaithful again if he had the chance?

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 08:49:47

Bad I do want change. I am aware the only thing I can change is me. I feel very inadequate. Yet I feel responsible for him not being happy. That does not make sense I know. Although I know people are responsible for own happiness isn't being a couple an implicit belief that each wants the other to be happy and demonstrates this through actions?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 17-Apr-13 08:51:24

You feel like this because you do not feel loved and cherished, because you haven't healed from the devastation he wrecked and because you won't take responsibility for your own happiness.

Only you can make yourself happy and only you can change things - staying with a man who does not show love or respect will not make you happy.

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 08:57:01

angry No, it isn't his job (or anyone's) to make you happy, but he is currently making you UNhappy. That is what is wrong with this situation. "I do not want you to be unhappy" is such a weasel phrase. You TOLD him you didn't want to live like this any more. His response is to say he doesn't want you to be unhappy... and do nothing else! Not make any suggestions, not make plans to move out like you asked. Think about that. All he has to do is express his wish for you not to be unhappy, and he knows he gets let off the hook. And he even has the immortal gall to tell you he wants to stay "but perhaps just here" ie not in a relationship. How the fuck is that going to not make you even unhappier? He expresses a wish for one thing to happen, and then does the exact opposite.

I'm sorry, but I'm starting to think he really doesn't give a shit about you. Or he is so used to taking your meek compliance for granted that it comes to the same thing. I think you need to internalise this and get angry. I think what Badinage is saying is that you are going to stay unhappy until you DO something about this man, like divorce him, or give him a deadline to move out.

You started this thread because you were confused, befogged, miserable, had had enough. You still sound all those things. In fact, you sound more so now, because he has started to convince you (again!) that it's actually YOUR failings at fault here, rather than his.

You're also scared of change (understandably after 30 years) so you're starting to justify why things can stay the same anyway.

If you don't take control now, in a few months or a few years, you'll be back with a new thread. It'll either be exactly the same as this one. Or it'll be "he's met someone else/got back with OW and left me."

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 08:57:52

Sorry that angry was obviously for him, not you!

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 09:03:19

x-post

Although I know people are responsible for own happiness isn't being a couple an implicit belief that each wants the other to be happy and demonstrates this through actions

Exactly.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 09:41:32

He did not say perhaps just being here. I added that as a thought inside my head when he said he wanted to stay.

Bloody hell. I am getting and sounding so muddled. Need to so some serious marking. Will try and focus in that for a while before trying to work everything out again.

I dread doing all this again In a few months. When he says he lives me, and he has been affectionate and kind the last day or two, I just capitulate.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 11:26:13

Ok I did not cave. I have said we must talk to the children. I have suggested that he goes to his mums short term. He says he feels guilty taking money out of the household to live alone. I have this that us just practicalities to deal with.

He says that coming back when he did was wrong. He did not actively choose me. He began to suggest that if he moved out he may find he misses me and want to be with me. I says I did not want to hear that. I think he is contemplating how to leave now.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 17-Apr-13 11:41:28

Sounds like you are being strong - well done.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 12:00:02

I have tried to calculate tax credits etc. does anyone know how having an 18 year old who works and earns pretty good money will affect everything? I can't make my self phone tax office yet. Pretty sure I won't be able to decrease council tax.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 12:38:53

I asked you whether you would start divorce proceedings? You didn't reply.

Because that's what you need to do, after getting some practical legal advice.

Love is an action, not words.

Your husband could not be any clearer in his actions that he does not love you as a romantic partner.

To be fair, he couldn't be much clearer in his words now either. He's saying he was wrong to come back when he got dumped and implicitly he's telling you too that you were wrong to take him back.

He knows that his respect died for you the moment you did that. And it's impossible to be 'in love' with someone you don't respect and who you think has no self-respect either.

After five years of this hell, I'd suggest you start taking really concrete action and that means divorce, telling the children and formal separate residences. He can look for a new place from his mum's for now but his move out needs to be signposted as permanent and the divorce put in motion.

Will you do that?

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 12:48:28

I am really sorry, love

It does seem now you are going to have to start facing up to things

Badinage is right

I hope you have someone supporting you properly in real life x

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 12:49:35

Badinage it is a given that we will divorce. Sorry I did not answer although right now I do not remember you asking. Brain a mess. Divorce is nothing but paper, the paper that was demonstrably worthless. It is the emotional stuff that is hard uncertain etc

Gcses finish in June, am trying to think rationally about how to play things until then. Divorce is unimportant really. Just paperwork. It is the realisation that we are not a couple that is tough. I have never worn a wedding ring, my commitment to him was not predicated upon marriage.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 12:51:21

I have told my friend today. She is shocked but will be there for me. I am just about to see another friend. I will tell her too. I didn't want to talk to anyone in real life until children know but you are right, I need some support.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 13:02:00

I disagree that divorce is unimportant. This is just one of your little internal trade-offs to stop you doing something irrevocable and concrete.

I think if you don't start divorce proceedings and tell the children, you'll keep hoping that this will work, he will fall back in love with you and the Happy Ever After will still happen.

It won't of course.

Lucylloyd13 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:03:30

What a beautiful, raw, op.

Any relationship is based upon mutuality and if you are not drawing equally from the relationship then you need to do something about it.

A long marriage is worth holding on to,and working on, but only if the future is worth having.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Apr-13 13:09:45

You cope with a chronic illness, hold down a job and care for your school-age DC(s), all this is a breeze compared to putting up with a marriage that has lost respect and love. Your H tried to fob you off with the idea that many couples after long marriages make do with so little. Too apathetic to address the issues that led to his affair, content to stay put and enjoy home comforts, all to save him 'hassle' of leaving.

Even the most self-obsessed teens will have picked up by now that you and H are just going through the motions. When the DCs grow up and leave home, a poor relationship with H would be lonelier than living on your own.

isn't being a couple an implicit belief that each wants the other to be happy and demonstrates this through actions?

Yes - absolutely - I am glad you have finally voiced what you are feeling and hope you can move forward. Good that you have real life support, your friends will want to help. Good luck.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 13:20:54

Divorce is truly irrelevant. Absolutely not a back track just because I have not been to a solicitor. Paper really is unimportant.

Thank you for support. Think I will need it over next month or so.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Apr-13 14:39:02

It s up to me whether we wait until after exams. I have to try and be strong enough to make it work. I am, in my head, making plans to keep me busy. Told friend out walking. She is shocked too. She thought he loved me. She also said he has been cruel, it helped a little in a funny sort of way to hear someone who knows us both say that.

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