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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Lala Update - hold my hand now please! X

66 replies

LalaDipsey · 14/04/2013 21:56

Hi all.
Well I haven't posted for ages as there was nothing new to add - H persisted to not look for somewhere to live with any great urgency, I started the freedom programme and then H got quite poorly in February meaning he needs an operation. So I couldn't push him to go when he was poorly. However when we got his op date, about a month ago now, of 15th April (tomorrow), and he said he couldn't look until after he had recovered I said I couldn't cope with another 6-8 weeks of sleeping in with the twins. He said 'so for so many reasons you want me gone then?'.
And he looked and found a flat which he has signed the papers on and he moves out as soon as he has recovered from the operation but worse case scenario will be gone in 2 weeks.
We have just had a conversation tho where it transpires I think he thinks he is going to come back here every weekend (?!).
Very odd.
He has been loads better - he didn't drink at all from Jan 1st until 2-3 weeks ago and tonight is the first night I have seen him drunk (pre op nerves) but regardless of that (tonight he said he never thought I would see it through and would say he could stay) I really think my door has closed. I cannot wait for him to go. For the house to me mine. To create a routine with me and the kids. We haven't had any talk about access though just his random comment tonight that he would come back at weekends so I need help with that and to talk to dd. whilst I think there will be no big loss to her when he goes, of course to her he is 'Disney Dad' - no baths, dressing, feeding etc just 10-15 mins play once maybe twice a day. However to her she may yet be quite distressed. He can be away with work 2-4 nights a week so she is used to him being away and he just went away for a week on holiday and she only asked about him twice so I think things will be ok. Anyway - about 2 weeks to go now so if anyone can remember me I would really appreciate some encouragement. Thanks X

OP posts:

Report

tribpot · 14/04/2013 22:00

I don't know your back story but do you really think 'pre-op nerves' is a valid reason for someone who I assume is a problem drinker to fall off the wagon?

I hope he is gone after the op, but worry that he is perhaps going to 'fail to recover', leaving you back with the guilt trip of him being ill and you not feeling able to get him out.

LalaDipsey · 14/04/2013 22:02

Hi tribpot. No it's not an acceptable excuse it's his reason. I am a little worried but he has been packing and tonight he finally told his friends he is moving out and he told a neighbour. He is still acting as if he can't believe I actually mean it. But I do.

OP posts:

GoodtoBetter · 14/04/2013 22:07

I've watched your threads all the way through and commented but under a different name. I'm pleased to hear he's found a flat and is "packing" but I hope he's not going to be convalescing at home or you'll never get shot of him! Once he's well enough to be discharged he needs to move straight into the flat. If he needs help he can pay someone.

clam · 14/04/2013 22:12

tribpot this guy is right up there with Lou's chunt, the only difference being he has refused to move out. In that respect, lou's got off lightly.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 14/04/2013 22:12

Lala, I've been following your threads and am in awe of you!
Brilliant news that he's found a flat AND told people!
Sounds like DD will be fine - even if she sees him as Disney Dad now, she'll realise who is there for her.
So pleased you told him he had to go in spite of his op - there'll always be some reason to put off moving out.
Good luck with these next few weeks.

legoqueen · 14/04/2013 22:43

Hi Lala, great to see some positive progress...well done for persisting...I'm sure there will be more ups & downs but you are in control!

dietstartstmoz · 14/04/2013 22:49

Lala i have been following your threads for some time. Well done on this progress. Has your H started his preparation for his move, has he started to get his stuff together? Is there anything you can do while he is in hospital? Find paperwork etc. It all sounds very promising and i hope he is out of your home soon. Have you seen your solicitor about making the seperation formal? Finances, access etc? Great news though, after everything you are so nearly there. Well done

LalaDipsey · 14/04/2013 23:00

Hello. Thankyou for replying and a wave to legoqueen in particular I remember regularly posting to me.
Yes he has started packing - boxes are being made up with stuff in the garage. I have already collected paperwork together and finally puns his bank statements when he went in holiday recently which was the last thing I needed. We have sorted finances for the short term (initially I have asked him to go for 6 months. I think he thinks he will then come back. I don't) and haven't talked access yet. I was advised by a solicitor that there is no such thing as a legal separation so we are not having any paperwork drawn up.

OP posts:

HansieMom · 15/04/2013 03:26

How old are the twins now? I remember them being ten weeks old when you first posted.

MotheringShites · 15/04/2013 03:55

Hi Lala, I lurked on your threads and have to say you are wonderful. My life is very much like yours (even b/g twins!). I'm sure your helpful friends will be along very soon. Well done for coming so far.

Bossybritches22 · 15/04/2013 04:04

Hi Lala!

Fab news how exciting!

Just a point re legal seperation. Let your sol know formally when he leaves ( ie dated letter) just for the record so that if he later disputes the date it is on file.

Be prepared for the fact that whatever he says or agrees to now he will almost certainly renege on once he realises you are serious.

Can't remember if you own or rent the house? If renting get yr name as sole tenant asap & get the locks changed to prevent him just letting himself in.

Also make it clear access is at HIS flat or access centre.

MushroomSoup · 15/04/2013 08:01

Brill Lala, you go girl!!

MostlyLovingLurchers · 15/04/2013 10:56

Hi lala. I used to post quite a bit on your threads but have nc since. Just wanted to say i'm so happy things are finally moving forward. You sound so much more determined, and i have huge faith that you will be able to maintain your resolve and move on with your life with your dc.

scarletforya · 15/04/2013 11:11

Oh that's brilliant news. I always wonder about you but didn't want to keep begging for updates and make you feel stalked!

I'm so delighted to hear you're so close to your very much deserved fresh start! Wonderful news Lala!

GoSuckEggs · 15/04/2013 11:27

Is there a link to the pervious thread? it sounds familar but sadly there are lots of sad threads around

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2013 11:39

It has been a long time coming but dare we hope this is a new dawn for you? Good luck.

Blending · 15/04/2013 12:41

Oh Lala I was thinking of you just this morning and wondering how you were getting on. I'm having B/G ivf twins and have an IVF 2 yo and I was taking inspiration from the fact that you have been able to cope effectively as a single parent in the same situation, so I need to stop panicking about how we will manage. See you are a strong women!

I have posted on your other threads (Never mentioned the IVF though)

Well done on getting this far, please keep on posting for support, as now is the time to make sure its all about YOU and not what he needs.

Highlander · 15/04/2013 13:32

Always been a lurker, but go girl!!

wheredidiputit · 15/04/2013 14:12

Lala I'm so glad you have comeback I was beginning to worry that you H had done something else.

I hope you don't feel the need to look after him after his operation, after all he didn't look after you when you had the twins and was looking after your dd.

Gosuckeggs the last thread.

MysteriousHamster · 15/04/2013 19:26

So pleased to see you posting Lala, and even more pleased to see your H is going, though will be interesting to see how willingly he finally goes, and how he reacts when it all sinks in!

I think it's significant that you have moved on so much. I'd say well done only that sounds patronising - but bloody hell you've come a long way!

PattyPenguin · 15/04/2013 20:28

Another one delurking. So glad things are moving on for you.

Re legal separation - are you in the UK? Because if you are, there is such a thing as legal separation - link here www.gov.uk/legal-separation or post on the legal board (under Talk Topics > Other Stuff > Legal Matters), as there are really helpful, expert people on there.

Repetitiverobot · 15/04/2013 22:20

Hi Lala, I'm so pleased you've posted again. I've been checking in every now and then hoping things were moving in the right direction and was a bit concerned that you hadn't posted for a while...altho with 3 small dc I'm sure you've had better things to do!!
Just want to wish you continued luck and hope the actual move goes ahead without too much hassel, its finally sinking in after a year!!!
Stay strong and enjoy YOUR home and new beginning. x

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MrsTomHardy · 15/04/2013 22:30

Hi,
Glad you've updated, was only thinking about you the other day.

Keep strong, you're nearly there!

AnyFucker · 15/04/2013 22:34

I really hope you are going to disabuse of him of his idea that he "will come back every weekend"

Inform him that the usual scenario for child contact is every other weekend (at his place) and one evening in the week

Who the hell told you there is no such thing as a "legal separation" ? Of course there is and you can get it legally drawn up while you wait for a divorce to come through.

hillyhilly · 15/04/2013 22:45

Great news Lala, it's taken time but sounds like you're finally going to be free

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