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Am I over-reacting? Strip club...

(62 Posts)
kayfish Sun 07-Apr-13 18:01:28

New here and currently 3 months pregnant with my first child. My DH and I have been together for a few years and have always had a great relationship. He has been very protective of me and we are one of those couples who have quite a longterm routine, do everything together and are with each other all the time. My DH has had a bit of a wild past, being with lots of women and never wanting to settle down until he met me. I was fine with this until Thursday night when something happened to change my feelings of trust.

A really old friend of DH's came to town from his partying days. DH had told me this man's womanizing ways were behind him and he was faithful to his now-wife. DH said he was going for a couple of drinks with him and would be back at 11pm. I stayed up as I always do for him to come back as I had not yet met this friend and was going to say hello. Well.. time passed and I didn't hear from DH. When I watsapped him and saw it didn't deliver I realised his battery had died. I was up all night worrying and upset about how out of character this was. At 4.30am I heard DH come in, drunk with his friend. I listened as they put all their clothes in a washing machine, both showered, both ate and eventually DH stumbled into bed.

I was upset, of course, but was aware that he was too drunk to discuss it reasonably. He tried to hug me in bed but I said no we'll talk tomorrow. He got upset and started shouting that I was rejecting him etc etc. Eventually he passed out but I was doubly upset that he had come home late and then shouted. In the morning he said he had been to a casino with his friend til 4.30am (DH likes to play poker, so this wasn't a surprise,) his battery had died and he was just catching up on old times. I said okay fine, you never go out I'm glad you had a good time.

Fast forward to later in the day on Friday, DH and his friend are exhausted from the night before and have passed out in the living room. On the table DH has left his wallet with three receipts open. One for a nightclub at 1am and then another for a strip club at 2.49am.

When DH wakes up I speak to him in our bedroom and ask him to please tell me the truth about where he was. After a lot of protesting he told me they went to the nightclub then a stripclub for lapdances because his "friend wanted him to." He said while he was there he was planning to just sit at the bar and watch the girls, but he got pestered the whole time while his friend was having his lapdance and so decided to have one too to "get the girls off his back." He said that he didn't tell me about it because his friend had asked him not to - as his friend did not want my first impression of him to be that he went to stripclubs.

I have never questioned DH before, but now that he has lied I feel insecure. And I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones ramping up or whether in any non-hormonal situation I would be fine with this.

Do you think his story sounds kosher?

conorsrockers Mon 08-Apr-13 19:02:22

I wasn't saying I agreed with him! I was wondering if he had not lied about it and been upfront would it still be an issue? My DH did a similar thing a looooong time ago, for some daft reason he tried to hide it - once we'd got past the fact it wasn't the strip club, it was the fact he'd lied - it got sorted. I was also pregnant - he panicked because of that ....

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 18:57:01

* would not was

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 18:56:44

Conors -and your point is? hmm knowing that it was upset Op is NOT a reason to disrespect his DW's feelings....

conorsrockers Mon 08-Apr-13 18:52:11

If he had text you at 11pm saying that him and friend were having a great time and wanted to carry on, maybe club/Stringys or something - dont wait up xx

How would you have reacted?

Darkesteyes Mon 08-Apr-13 18:06:10

Agree with Charbon.

Darkesteyes Mon 08-Apr-13 18:05:22

OP if he has a madonna/whore complex (and it sounds like he does) i suspect you will be back here in a few months time asking why he seems to have gone off sex with you.

Charbon Mon 08-Apr-13 18:02:46

You most certainly can buy sex in some lapdancing clubs, but this tends to be a private arrangement made with an individual dancer during a private dance. In the so-called 'respectable' clubs (what a misnomer) like Stringfellows this will take place somewhere else; usually a hotel, car or the sex worker's own premises.

I don't want to link another poster's support thread about a very similar set of events, but it's interesting to note how similar the OP's beliefs are about relationships with men and their role as women. It's positively damaging for women to be raised with a script that they should be treated like princesses instead of as equal partners. Women who have these beliefs tend to attract the worst kind of misogynist men who see women as either mothers or prostitutes. But even the mothers are expected to look decorative and trophy-like and this is the price they pay for being in the relationship.

OP, have a look out for that thread and the posts on it.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 16:37:30

serious - why not? confused

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Mon 08-Apr-13 15:57:52

Why would he also go to the effort of having a shower and washing clothes yet he didnt get rid of the receipts as evidence !

seriouscakeeater Mon 08-Apr-13 14:24:07

Kay what ever you do dont listen to madabout confused hope you get it sorted.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 11:35:57

I can see this madonna/whore complex getting worse now that you are pregnant with his first child and the pregnancy could explain why he seems to have suddenly reverted back to past behaviour. Having children will put you in a vulnerable position esp if you decide to give up work.

What do you want to do now? If you decide to stay with him and want a more equal relationship then you need to challenge his views and thinking about women, sex and relationships. I suspect that you need to look at yourself as well given how much you like being a princess - please do not give away your independence and control.

kayfish Mon 08-Apr-13 11:26:26

The third receipt was for something mundane - like dinner they had, had.

kayfish Mon 08-Apr-13 11:26:02

I think DH does have a bit of a madonna/whore complex, but so far (in our three years together) it has just been enjoyable to be protected, provided for, treated well (I still have a full time job - earn less than him - but could cope on my own.) So being treated as this "precious" thing has not had an impact on me.

But all these events make me think that there is perhaps another side to him which needs the whore part. In fact, I am treated so well and so preciously that it's slightly eerie that there has not been something that has indicated DH needs something sluttier.

seriouscakeeater Mon 08-Apr-13 10:26:18

Morning op hope your ok! I tend to lean towards , both had lap dance , got covered in make up/ glitter/perfume , so washed clothes so u couldn't see it and showered so u couldn't smell it.
I would be massively pissed off about the whole thing, but I don't think he jumped to prostitutes on one random night out. X

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 10:06:57

Also he sounds possessive - the protectiveness and fights over men who dared to look at you - another red flag.

I wonder how he speaks of women and if he has a madonna versus whore view of women? Does he treat you like a princess instead of an independent clever woman?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 10:03:26

I don't think Stringfellows allow extras either.

What do you think explains the urgent use of the washing machine? I can understand the need to shower after a night out though.

I can appreciate how upset you must be. However if you think about it there are red flags telling you what kind of man he is - the wild past with women and his history of violence and aggression (fights). You can't be that shocked surely?

kayfish Mon 08-Apr-13 09:37:25

Thanks for all your replies - what a great forum.

DH is a clean/neat freak, so I can imagine that he would want to tidy himself in some way when he got home. I would come to the conclusion quicker that he had more likely been in a fight than anything else - but then the things DH gets in fights over are usually women. Someone looked at me (or in the past, a woman he liked etc)

The club was Stringfellows - I'm pretty sure that they don't allow extras in there (?) but it is only a hop, skip and a jump away from the brothels in soho.

I do n't know what to think anymore. I am upset that he lied, upset that he wanted to be around naked women (other than me,) was drunk and abusive when he got home. Normally we have the most respectful, amazing relationship and he hardly ever goes out (3 or 4 times a YEAR at most on his own)

It's all just come as some horrendous surprise

jamtoast12 Mon 08-Apr-13 09:09:41

You cannot buy sex in most lap dancing clubs! It's simply not allowed. It's as trucks described. They would have been one of many men those girls danced for.

My dh has been to lots of lap dancing clubs (before we met) and laughed at the idea of masturbating in front of the girls. He a) would have to kicked out and b) would not be turned on in that way as he says its more embarrassing than anything else. Often these £10 dances are in the middle of a crowded room in a booth. Private rooms cost much more and even then I've never heard of anyone masturbating in one. Maybe in some seady sex club but if this was a strip club they are generally different. (Do research the club op).

The more I think about it the less I think its sex related. For them both to need to wash their clothes, its a bit of a coincidence they both pulled, had sex or whatever within an hour. I'd say its more a fight, vomit etc.

The fact they showered and ate suggests they didnt go straight to bed anyway so could have sat up for a while so showering may seem less odd here.

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Mon 08-Apr-13 07:53:45

Would your dh not think that you would think it strange he was washing his clothes at that time in the morning!!!!

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 07:32:41

My opinion was that some posters have been a little too swift to conclude worse case scenario with some certainty.

If it was "innocent" e g vomit, surely they would have told Op why they washed their clothes. To wash both set of clothes while drunk and shattered is very odd - it smacks of hiding evidence.

I think its very naive to think lapdancing/strip clubs are NOT part of the sex industry and one can't buy "extras" in these places hmm

Their clothes probably stank of smoke and perfume and had body glitter, body makeup, etc smeared on them from the lap dance.

Bung in wash and shower.

I don't doubt he got horny - hard not to with a nude woman bending over in your face and rubbing her arse on your lap - but if he wanted sex when he got back I doubt he came in his pants or otherwise.

I know a very bitter ex lap dancer who, like most of her peers, despised her customers and used to deliberately wear vast amounts of perfume and body glitter 'as it served the fuckers right to get caught and if they get chucked they'll probably be back'. She explained the following to me:

The whole strip club private dance set up is set up with a gimlet eyed modus operandi to extort as much spend as fast as possible from drunk men showing off to their colleagues/mates/clients. You target the pissed show offs who can be egged on with mates. You flatter them and demand they buy you and your fellow dancer house champagne. You do a ten quid dance then promise their eyes wil be out on stalks in the private room. You do several more dances, ask for more champagne, fake the lesbian stuff, grind your arse and smear your glitter on their trouser crotch then they start to freak at the bill and you start again. Given that the women pay a house fee to work there and on a slow night competition is cut throat - women can lose money if they don't get enough dances that night - I'd be surprised if much happened.

It's sleazy and degrading for all concerned. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I hope your DP is ashamed and gutted and sorry.
I would say how upset and angry I was but I wouldn't necessarily end the relationship over it, I think it's something that, if he's suitably mortified about, we could move past it.

Good luck anyway. Sorry huge reply.

Charbon. My opinion was that some posters have been a little too swift to conclude worse case scenario with some certainty.

e.g. "No idea how you can come back from this devastating discovery..."; "Also he sounds like ....without the coming all over his trousers frankly"

just as it is other posters opinion that he is likely to have had sex with prostitutes. Both are just that - opinions - both valid, both plausible.

Good luck OP (ducking out now)

syl1985 Mon 08-Apr-13 02:31:08

Getting so drunk and then scream and shout at you:

Absolutely no excuses. Good for him that he had a good time, but no.. He shouldn't have got that drunk that he did that to you.

Then lying to you:
Again a BIG NO!!!!

But I wouldn't kick him out for that.
I'd kick his friend out. They may keep in contact, but not that close.

First of all his friend shouldn't have taking your partner to a strip club without asking your permission first.

A strip club is really different from a sex club. In a strip club they can only watch and talk to the girls and not touch them.

Then he should have been so strong to say no to that and when he was there just tell the girls to leave him alone. They won't spend a second on someone when they know they won't get any money from him.

The shouting, lying and getting really drunk was a totally wrong thing for him to do especially now that you're pregnant.

I'd have a serious talk about it, but this time I'd forgive him. But next time he should know a lot better then this!!! Or just stay away for a week or so!!!

Sylvia

Charbon Mon 08-Apr-13 02:15:22

No I read the whole quote and the poster was right. Men do often ejaculate during a lap dance (staining their clothes) and the dancers are sex workers i.e they work in the sex industry. It was that poster's opinion based on the detail the OP supplied that the husband had either had sex with a prostituted woman or had ejaculated during an encounter with the lap-dancing sex worker.

Charbon - I probably should have included the line that preceeded it "I am afraid they had sex/ejaculated with sex workers" in which case the quote has a different connotation.

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