DP losing interest in sex - a little bit on the long side

[bettycocker]

I have name changed for this. Basically, I need relationship advice.

DP and I have been together for 5 and a half years. At the start, we went through the usually stage of sex being great and having lots of it. I realise that this dwindles over the years, no issue there.

The problem is that I still fancy the pants off DP and I often tell him that he's gorgeous and sexy etc. He just says "thanks", or "I am aren't I". In fact, he never compliments me at all any more. I had some nasty health problems at the the end of last year and I've gained a bit of weight, not much. It's about 7 lbs and I was quite thin before, so it's not a huge amount. Since I've been feeling better, I eat a really healthy diet and I'm really active, so it's not like I'm a slob who doesn't care.

When I get all dolled up, not so much of a squeak from him. He used to compliment me all the time before I gained this bit of weight. Our sex life is pretty dire now. I make a move and he often blows me out. We only have sex about once a week now if I'm lucky. He has stopped wanting to snuggle, and he is usually a cuddly person.

It's really getting me down to be honest. He's a nice man in every other way, but when you tell someone they look gorgeous or that they're sexy and they just say "thanks" and never say anything nice about you, it's a dent to your self esteem. I'm not fishing for compliments, but I'm seriously starting to wonder if I really am that ugly, fat and unattractive. On the odd occasion when we do have sex now, he seems to just get it over with as quickly as possible. I'm trying to make an effort by trying and suggesting new things and that hasn't worked either. This has been going on since before Xmas and I'm at the end of my tether.

I don't want to be in a relationship that is one sided like this. I want to be with someone who actually wants to have sex with me, even if I do gain a few pounds. Are men really that shallow?

[SundaeGirl]

Is it just sex/compliments that have changed or anything else as well? Could he be depressed?

[bettycocker]

Maybe he could be a bit depressed, but if he is, he's doing a good job of hiding it. Maybe some subtle enquiring is in order.

Apart from that, we still chat all the time, joke and have a laugh with each other. We have always been like that. I suppose I should be thankful that that side of the relationship is good.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you need to have a brutally honest conversation with him and stop doing yourself down. You're making a lot of assumptions based on the gaining of 7lbs (which quite honestly is not going to make a scrap of difference to your appearance) that just scream 'low self-esteem'... totally understandable if you're saddled with someone that rejects you sexually.

If you don't want to be in a one-sided relationship then you have to come right out and say it exactly like that. No blaming yourself, no assumptions about body-shape, just straight down the middle.... e.g 'I'm not happy being in a one-sided relationship, fed up with you taking me for granted, not noticing when I make an effort and thoroughly bored with the lack of sex'. Put the ball very firmly in his court. His problem to fix.

[Leavenheath]

Doubt it's about the weight.

Affair that started around Xmas?

[bettycocker]

Leavan, there isn't really anything suspious going on. I have always thought that if someone is going to cheat, they will cheat.

Cogito, thanks. I do need to get some things out into the open. Putting on a few pounds is the only thing I can think of that has changed about me. I wouldn't have thought it would make a difference either.

[Leavenheath]

You're going to have to raise it then but I wouldn't ask him if it's because of this or that about you or your appearance. Just say you're unhappy and why. Plus what changes you'd like to see. Agree that if someone's going to cheat they will but what sort of suspicious behaviour would you expect to see that you're not?

[Mumsyblouse]

You need to have a frank chat, but I wouldn't start with 'I've put on weight, do you mind?' as it immediately gives him a handy excuse for what is really unacceptable behaviour. Perhaps he's happy with once a week perhaps he doesn't feel the need to make an effort with you now you are established (lots of guys make this mistake and it is a mistake), perhaps he's down/depressed, you won't know unless you ask.

I very much doubt it is the 7 pounds, my husband is still pretty much as keen on me as when we met and kindly overlooks the 3 stone I've put on (as I do with his weight gain). you are not going to stay young and thin for ever anyway, and if this is a deal breaker, you need to know. i would be surprised if it is the heart of teh matter though.

[bettycocker]

Leavan, I don't really know what I would view as suspicious, but I can't think of any moments when I've felt suspicious. Most people say they get a gut feeling about these things.

Mumsyblouse, I wouldn't have thought half a stone is a massive deal. Sometimes DP goes through phases of drinking more cider at the weekends and he gets a little cider belly, but I still find him really sexy.

I haven't suddenly changed into a nagging harpie or started behaving in strange ways. I do wonder if he got freaked out by me getting so ill. Luckily it was short lived, but I feel really well and I've never felt better, because I'm so aware of looking after myself. Maybe this could be the change that has turned him off?

[MadBraLady]

Again, I think following what the others say, that's you looking for things in your behaviour/appearance that have in some way "gone wrong", isn't it. But it's his attitude to the relationship that's changed, not yours. You need to ask for his reason, and not be fobbed off.

[bettycocker]

Thanks MadBraLady. You are probably right.

I am going to make myself look all glam tonight and try and get a bit fruity. If DP doesn't say anything and blows me out again, I'll ask him what's going on.

If he had always been this way, I probably wouldn't be upset right now. I know this is trivial compared to some of the threads here, but it's really upsetting me. Sex is essential to a relationship, otherwise you're just friends.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Basically, many relationships have a shelf life and there comes a point where, for one person at least, it's all a bit been there, done that, probably time to move on. This may be the case with you and your DP.

Have a chat to him and if that's the impression you get, start sorting out the separation. Trying to 'make' someone love you and remain in a relationship is a miserable waste of time; far better to cut your losses and move on.

[bettycocker]

That's true, but we still go out and do things together. We had a fun weekend with friends and from my point of view, I had a really good time. I enjoy his company, but maybe you're right, perhaps the novelty has worn off on his side.

[bettycocker]

Update... We actually has sex at the weekend and once this week. DP and I have just started watching GoT and it would appear that all the naked ladies get him in the mood for sex.

I wish I could get him in the mood for sex though. Oh well, you can't have it all, and it's just nice to get a bit of action.

[ImperialBlether]

I can't imagine someone saying to me, "You look really nice" and saying nothing in response. It's normal to reply, "You do, too" even if they don't. The fact he doesn't respond like that says to me that he knows what he's up to, he knows what's socially acceptable, and he feels absolutely confident that he doesn't have to say it and you will stay in the relationship.

You sound as though you're very attractive - can I ask you whether you are more attractive than him? Just think of what your friends would say. This sounds like a deliberate ploy to put you in your place; it's often done by someone who thinks their partner is better than them in some way.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What is GoT? Whilst couples use lots of external aids to spice up a sex-life it's really quite different and not at all right that he seems to need extra stimulus in the shape of 'naked ladies' and that you're not exciting enough. I'm very worried that you sound so grateful... BTW... Most people say they get a gut feeling about these things... no they don't. It often comes as a complete shock to find that a partner has been getting their jollies elsewhere.

[bettycocker]

ImperialBlether. He frequently just says nothing at all when I tell him he looks nice etc. He'll return the compliment very, very occasionally, and it is always very forced and he can't look me in the eye! I've asked him if he still fancies me and he said yes.

As for being more attractive than him, probably not. I'm pretty average, but scrub up fairly well. I don't think I'm ugly or anything, but I'm not beautiful either.

He is quite good looking and the sort of person who gets on with everyone. People are always going on about what a lovely bloke he is and how lucky I am. To be fair, he is a lovely bloke.

Gogito, GoT, Sorry, that's the TV show Game of Thrones. No, I don't think he finds me very exciting. To be honest, I am a bit grateful when we have sex. You're right, that's not great is it?

You can never rule out the possibility of an affair, but I'm not going to drive myself crazy with snooping and paranoia either. Although if anything crops up, I'll investigate it. Apparently people nearly always deny it, so there's no poingt in asking.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh OP, he isn't a lovely bloke! Look at what you're saying.

In fact, he never compliments me at all any more.

I make a move and he often blows me out.

He has stopped wanting to snuggle.

I'm seriously starting to wonder if I really am that ugly, fat and unattractive.

On the odd occasion when we do have sex now, he seems to just get it over with as quickly as possible.

...all the naked ladies get him in the mood for sex.

I'm really sorry, but all the indications there are that he has either gone off you or that he's having another relationship. Given that you two still get on well and have a laugh etc, I think it's more likely he's seeing someone else.

You don't always suspect. If you're the kind of person who trusts easily (nothing wrong with that at all) then it's likely you wouldn't notice the tiny, tiny clues which would tell someone else that something's going on.

Does he keep strict control over his phone?

[ImperialBlether]

And what happened on Monday after you got glammed up? Did he show any interest then?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Apparently people nearly always deny it, so there's no poingt in asking."

There's always a point in asking. :) When you've lived with someone for a while and you've got to know them, you can look them in the eye ask a direct question and have a pretty good indication if they're lying or not. What they actually say is almost immaterial.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... if 'naked ladies' get him going the smart money is on porn use rather than an actual affair...

[HollyBerryBush]

Or he could have high blood pressure or diabetes - have you ruled out any medical issues?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Is he a heavy porn user? This would explain the lack of RL sex.

[bettycocker]

ImperialBlether, by lovely bloke, I mean he helps around the house without me having to ask, is chatty, easy going, good with DC and generally very pleasant company. We are definitely compatible as friends. The sex thing is the problem. I love your username btw.

Monday was a bit of a non-starter. I ended up having a really early night as I had got up at silly o?clock.

Cogito. It would be a bit odd if a heterosexual bloke didn't get excited over naked ladies . I am an early riser and so go to bed early.
DP could very well spend his evenings fapping off to porn for all I know. As for asking about an affair, I don?t want to come across as being mistrustful and accusing.

Holly, he's a bit anal about health and diet and when we actually do have sex everything is fully functional. He has a few ciders at the weekend, but doesn't smoke or eat rubbish and he has quite a physical job.