Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Never getting married...how do I get over the upset?

(193 Posts)
WeddingUpset Mon 01-Apr-13 23:47:01

My 'D'P has basically announced we will never be married. On paper the reasoning is sound (it's a big expense that could be put to other things), but it still makes me feel desperately sad.

How do I get over these feelings? I'm currently sat here quietly sobbing, I just need advice on how to stop feeling this way sad

eccentrica Fri 05-Apr-13 11:24:02

commeune OK, I see what you mean. Thanks for clarifying. The property in our case is worth a lot less than 650k, so that's probably why I was wrong about that.

FWIW, I won't be getting married even if it does cost me money! But I am not totally financially dependent on my partner as (as well as owning 50% of the property) I am self-employed and earn about half of what he does (half a pittance!).

commeuneimage Thu 04-Apr-13 22:14:13

eccentrica - I'm sorry, but you and your partner cannot both own the whole property. It's not legally possible. You can own it jointly, i.e. as joint tenants, so that if one of you dies it automatically vests in the other one, regardless of what your will says. But you can't both have the full value of it in your estates for tax purposes. Your solicitor can't have explained it properly. If the property is valuable enough, the only way to be sure of not having to pay inheritance tax on the first death - even if you are joint tenants - is to be married.

Believe me, I have been working in this area of the law for many years.

http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/inheritancetax/paying-iht/who-pays.htm
http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/inheritancetax/how-to-value-estate/joint-property.htm

Sorry this is a digression for OP but it is a really important argument in favour of marriage if you co-own a valuable property.

FucktidiaBollockberry Thu 04-Apr-13 21:54:13

I think it's really pessimistic to say it's unresolvable. I think couples who love each other and are committed to each other, are often able to resolve their differences.

OK, so "resolution" means different things to different people - some people's idea of resolving something is someone else's idea of sweeping it under the carpet - but I think it's just a bit pessimistic to think that only the financial side of things can be resolved.

Having said that, sometimes when the financial side of things are resolved, the emotional side of things can be too. Being less financially dependent on someone can change the relationship dynamics and all sorts of attitudes, feelings etc. can change (on both sides).

Anyway I'm just noodling away now so prob not much use to OP - will STFU.

scottishmummy Thu 04-Apr-13 20:48:42

It's unresolvable impasse given she cannot compel him to marry her
The financial precarious position can be addressed by work,not dependent
Other factors wills, nok with gp,named as beneficiary with work can be changed

FucktidiaBollockberry Thu 04-Apr-13 20:23:29

Well I don't disagree with you on that.

That's one way of doing it, if you're in a position to do so.

But that's not actually addressing her issue is it.

scottishmummy Thu 04-Apr-13 20:14:55

Don't know about the integrity of her relationship
I do know all the advice about security via a male and marriage is antiquated
She can become secure by working,studying doing something not dependent upon male wage

FucktidiaBollockberry Thu 04-Apr-13 20:14:35

Arf. You do make me larf SM.

I love your posts too. When I can decipher them.

scottishmummy Thu 04-Apr-13 20:12:39

You ignored bit she said he good dp and your summation was psychobabble dribble
Worthy of Module one frasier crane box set

FucktidiaBollockberry Thu 04-Apr-13 20:08:30

Er, hello, of course I've cast aspersions on her relationship.

I think it's suspicious that a man who has financially covered his arse while allowing his partner to expose her's, who has no ideological opposition to marriage, refuses to give his partner the security of marriage.

You have obviously misunderstood my post. I don't cast aspersions out of malice, which is what CO was implying. I cast aspersions because I think it's valid to. Not to make the OP "feel bad about her relationship" just because that's fun - but because sometimes, people should feel bad about their relationships because there is something bad about them which needs to be fixed.

You're not saying this relationship is perfect are you? You're saying that it needs to be fixed, by her going out to work. I think it needs to be fixed any way she can fix it.

You are simply bizarre.

scottishmummy Thu 04-Apr-13 19:49:38

Mind you don't get skid marks all that backtrackin.you trashed op relationship
You said op would need "cognitive dissonance and denial" to sustain herself in her relationship
Your Obvious implication is her relationships flawed indicated by dp not marry her

Have I vigorously assured my pov,yes of course as have others,including yourself

Have i trashed her relationship,no.I said given she said they overall happy family maybe they'll remain unmarried

Youve cast aspersion on her relationship and now denying it

FucktidiaBollockberry Thu 04-Apr-13 19:30:36

Ah yes SM, of course it's more valid for you to impose your narrative, than for anyone who disagrees with you to impose their's.

CO the OP already feels bad about her relationship, that's why she's posted here. I reject your assertion that women posting here that they're suspicious about the OP's OH's motives for not wanting to get married, are doing so in order to make her feel bad about her relationship.

I don't tell you that you're posting in order to try and invalidate the OP's disquiet about her OH's unwillingness do you? I attribute more positive motives to your postings.

You can disagree with my advice, but please don't attribute meaningless malice to me, any more than I would do you.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 04-Apr-13 17:40:06

sorry if i offended - didnt mean to

was trying to make the point that op oh doesnt want to get married as couldnt afford the wedding that others expect

ie keeping up appearances, yet some people (not me) dont believe in kids outside marriage, and 'may' look down on them being born out of marriage

i did say in my first post that if he is a supportive partner/dad then is marriage everything?

guess depends what is more important to the op?

scottishmummy Thu 04-Apr-13 17:31:28

Kids out of wedlock and bastards are pejorative old fashioned terms
Op has said he's a good dad,good partner,loves him to seek marriage
Not wanting to get npmarried iesnt render him bad,nor does unmarried justify calling kids bastards

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 04-Apr-13 17:03:48

lol - didnt mean any offense, but seems weird that op dp likes to keep up appearances but happy to have kids out of marriage -some may frown on that (not me)

just seems more then just the cost is the issue here

noddyholder Thu 04-Apr-13 16:57:23

bastards? have I been transported back in a time machine to the 50s

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 04-Apr-13 16:28:18

alarms bell ring for me, so he would get married if didnt cost a lot, but also he doesnt want a cheap wedding as then makes him look bad , ie appearances

so he cares more about what his friends/family think then what you want sad

as many have said that weddings dont have to cost a lot, and if you really want to just get married then go and do it just the two of you, or do you want a wedding, rather then get married

and yes funerals cost a lot more then weddings, dh's funeral cost more then our wedding and we got married in the caribbean and no expense spared

did you not discuss /marriage/weddings before you had kids?

and yes someone pointed out, hes happy to have kids out of 'wedlock' and be 'bastards' but not happy to have a cheap wedding

his priorities are wrong

and if a wedding/being married means that much to you op, then maybe spilt up with this man and find a man who does want to get married ..........

or can you live with not being married but being with a man who sounds like he is a supportive dad and partner in all other ways

CandlestickOlder Thu 04-Apr-13 13:59:51

There are posters on here who will jump on whatever they can to make women feel bad about themselves and their relationships - shitstirring with absolutely no basis for their ridiculous generalisations. It's almost as if they like the thought of these women suddenly doubting themselves and their DP/DH. It's very sad to watch.

I just hope it doesn't really affect anyone.

OP- if your DP is kind and a good father and loves you, you're doing better than most. Communication is the key. And maybe things will change.

noddyholder Thu 04-Apr-13 13:55:49

I am a good partner totally financially independent and a good mother and I didn't want to marry dp when he asked? Would you tell him I was a bad partner and he should ditch me?

scottishmummy Thu 04-Apr-13 13:24:33

Fucktidia dont impose your psychobabble dribble on op relationship status
If she says dp good dad,good dp you have no factual basis to dispute that
Op clearly thinks a lot of him wants to marry him,loves him.until she comes and says other we need to accept her narrative

springyhippychick Thu 04-Apr-13 00:59:48

Poor OP. Thread totally hijacked sad

FucktidiaBollockberry Wed 03-Apr-13 22:04:28

Yes that's possible.

The OP can choose denial and cognitive dissonance as a self-defence mechanism to help her deal with this.

Lots of women do.

And if he doesn't meet anyone else, then who knows, they may even have a long-lived marriage.

Lots of people do.

scottishmummy Wed 03-Apr-13 21:02:51

positives are op says he good partner,obviously thinks hes a keeper,good dad
if they have a solid loving family,are good parents then that is great
may just be they continue to do all that unmarried

FucktidiaBollockberry Wed 03-Apr-13 20:55:54

CandlestickOlder, his objections to the marriage were that they couldn't afford it.

That means it's not ideological, as someone else said, it's not a reason, it's an excuse.

Of course he's not going to come out directly and say he'll marry someone else one day if he wants to enough, it's just that he doesn't want to marry the OP. That would draw attention to the elephant in the room wouldn't it? Better to leave it there unremarked.

scottishmummy Wed 03-Apr-13 20:50:34

he has specifically told op we wont marry has given her reasons inc fine as they are.
op describes a direct discussion,he has declined,op stated her obvious preference
its more than clear in op and subsequent posts he wont marry her,thats op point

fedupofnamechanging Wed 03-Apr-13 20:47:51

Who's going to look after the kids though, while the OP is rebuilding her career? As a family, they have decided they want the OP to be a sahm. Given that this makes her vulnerable, the OP's partner should minimise her risks, by giving her the legal protection of marriage or shared ownership of assets etc.

I think you are right, SM, about what the OP needs to do long term if he refuses to give her any protection, but if I was in a relationship with a man who wouldn't give me that protection, well it would be a deal breaker for me.

I think that he's had it too much his own way, so far. If I was the OP, I would be inclined to say that she is unwilling to be a sahm on this basis and he needs to start forking out for child care, so she can start putting herself first.

Sad though, if sah is something they valued for their dc and sad if she has to give that up because he is being selfish. I guess if it matters to the partner that his dc have a sahp, he will have to offer the OP some concrete security.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now