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What do I do with this new info? Gutted and angry.

(109 Posts)
whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:10:55

I have nchanged as my other profile has so much info on it would out with me with this as well. I have other threads in the past, so you may recognise some details but please don't out me.

My parents fostered all my life and I was sexually abused by a foster brother for several years. I asked my mum for him to leave when I was 15 (she knew what was happening but not the full extent) but was told by her that she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now. I took myself off to boarding school, and we have had a difficult relationship ever since as I struggle to come to terms with what happened and how she acted, even now as an adult.

When I became pregnant I was on my own throughout, and she was a tower of strength and support. Our relationship has always been like this - episodes of closeness then something will happen, and we both find it hard to even be near each other. I moved back into her home when my ds was 3 weeks old, and I am still here - although I have a move date to my new home at the end of april

Tonight she gave me her old phone as mine is broken, and I synced it with my sim and computer. It has somehow combined our calenders - and moved her calender entries into mine (I honestly have no idea what the hell I have done to manage this)

The first entry was "Whatafuckingmess is on my mind as usual, her poor ds will suffer the brunt of her his whole life"

I have then I fully admit looked at other entries on the calender (it's not a diary, its more like at 1pm such and such happened thing).

It would seem that the only comments she makes are about me, and are all negative and horribly hurtful about how badly I care for my ds, she has said she thinks I am mentally deranged, my son is suffering by being with me, that I am "my usual mean, deluded self" and that I think I am in control but am not and god help us all. There is more of the same, but you get the gist.

My little boy is my life, I am gutted. She is downstairs now with visiting family and I am hiding in my room like a bloody 12 year old. Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do?

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 21:27:56

She is all I have. I really don't have anyone else, and to be honest, she doesn't really have anyone either. I'm scared in case she is right - We have fights and I shout at her. I am a grown woman of 32 but it feels like we are stuck in this cycle of parent / child.

I think my greatest fear is that I'm not enough for my son, and that I will mess him up just by being me - and there it is, in writing, in front of me confirming that she agrees.

imperial I know what you mean, i'm not ignoring you - in the past I have had periods where I have thought that I would be better off cutting her out of my life, she says of the past that she made the wrong decision but that I can't keep throwing it back in her face. She still fosters now though, it feels like she blames me for drawing attention to what happened.

Ah what a sodding mess sad

She doesn't sound nice. I am not surprised you feel like you are going mad. I know people always say this, but could you show her this? Although I am sure she would find a way to make you feel more shit.

If I were you I would use your counselling to thrash this out, try to reduce the amount if time you spend with her, and how much you rely on her (hurry up end of April) and build your and your DS's life up so that you are happy just the two of you. Does that sound feasible, I know it sounds kind of simple, and I have no experience of what you have been through.
Do you have many friends nearby?

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 21:28:59

Sorry, that came out wrong - I didn't mean you thought I was ignoring you, more that I was taking on board what you were saying.

hiddenhome Sun 31-Mar-13 21:32:27

She is projecting her guilt and faults on to you. Please totally disregard everything she wrote - she wasn't writing about you, she was referring to herself and deep down she knows it.

You are a good mum and she was the one who was shite. Be strong and see her for the total letdown that she is.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 21:35:56

charlie I think she would say I have taken it out of context if I showed her this thread, I don't know. I don't think I would have the balls to do it.

I am so wishing my therapist wasn't off at the moment - she doesn't half pick her moments!

I am moving to an area nearer my best friend, but she is the only person really in my life at the moment as my ex dp sort of isolated me (another thread, I promise I'm not generally so fucked up as I appear here) My mum doesn't agree with me moving out though, and I'm scared if I'm honest. I think having a life for just me and ds with total independence was / is what I was aiming for - but striving for something, and having it enforced because of how someone feels about you feel like 2 different things. It's all just a bit scary and overwhelming and sad.

Thank you everyone for replying, I really am so appreciative.

ruthie2468 Sun 31-Mar-13 21:35:57

You think you will 'mess him up just by being me' because she has insidiously undermined you and knocked your confidence so badly. This has come from her, so of course she 'agrees'!

I agree with the other posters - she allowed this boy to sexually abuse you and then undermined your argument / confidence by saying you were being melodramatic. It's classic abuse - make you into the problem by saying your reaction is wrong. Should you have accepted him raping you so as to not cause a fuss?!

DorisIsWaiting Sun 31-Mar-13 21:45:56

I don't wish to worry you more add a note of caution, if you moved with your ds at 3 weeks old and he has since grown up in her house. Does she actually not want you to leave?

The fact the commments are all timed and dated is a little erie for me. She works (or has done) within the social care system. Are you absolutely certain she is not trying to gain care of him?

i.e. these are comments written for others to serve a purpose. Can you remember any of the events she describes and does it even come close to her version of eents?

Hey you!!!! You will be so fine with your little boy! Don't you dare doubt yourself!!!! Yes it is scary but because it is new and you have been beaten down for so long. You will be superb.

Wonder where you are, I am eastern ish if you are anywhere nearby.

You will rock I promise.

Nanny0gg Sun 31-Mar-13 21:48:54

Our mum is lovely, really, she is so outwardly helpful and the perfect grandmother and mother.
Um. No she isn't. Unless on her terms, with her 'on top' and you below - as in when you were pregnant. And because you're moving to be closer to your friend and out of her 'control' she clearly doesn't like it.

I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist. I'm sure they'll help you see that she is being vile to you.

Is there any chance you could move out sooner?

hiddenhome Sun 31-Mar-13 21:52:11

DorisIsWaiting might have a point, she may wish to prevent you from leaving by undermining your parenting abilities and mental health. Play your cards very close to your chest. Is there any way you could move out sooner? Be wary of her and her motives.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Mar-13 21:52:32

Doris's words have just chilled me. I am really shocked that your mum is still fostering. I know you won't do this but I would love you to tell social services what happened and tell them that you told your mum it was happening, too.

I think the sooner you get out of the house the better. Do you think there is any possibility she might be thinking of fostering her own grandchild? I am very worried about these notes she's making - who is going to read them?

GenevievePettigrew Sun 31-Mar-13 21:53:56

OP I'm sorry but I agree with Doris. This just all seems a little too calculated, especially as she obviously knows how to play the system. Can you start your own diary she won't find, where you record what you do for and how you feel about your son, and when your mum tries to undermine you? Talk to your therapist when you can too.

I don't want to be alarmist but this woman has form. sad

hiddenhome Sun 31-Mar-13 21:54:19

I would say move in with a friend as soon as possible (understand that might not be possible sad)

pigsDOfly Sun 31-Mar-13 21:56:05

Try not to feel that you're having moving out enforced on you OP. I'm not surprised you feel scared, it's a big change, but it's what you've been aiming for for you and your little boy. That hasn't changed and you can start to build a new life for the two of you.

I don't know much about technology, so I might be completely wrong, but is it possible she might have thought that at some time you would read what she had written? It sounds such an odd place to write all her thoughts, and then to give you the phone, it's almost as if she hoped you'd see it. She sounds spiteful enough to have done something like that in an effort to undermine you further.

Keep looking forward. And good luck in your new home.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 21:58:13

Sorry - ds keeps waking, I haven't gone, will reply asap

Nanny0gg Sun 31-Mar-13 22:01:48

Our mum is lovely, really, she is so outwardly helpful and the perfect grandmother and mother.
Um. No she isn't. Unless on her terms, with her 'on top' and you below - as in when you were pregnant. And because you're moving to be closer to your friend and out of her 'control' she clearly doesn't like it.

I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist. I'm sure they'll help you see that she is being vile to you.

Is there any chance you could move out sooner?

She sounds toxic and these types of people always want and look good to everyone else apart from the scapregoat. Can I also recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=deeplperso-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234

And the Stately homes thread is always a safe place to talk about this sort thing.

The sooner you're out and have some boundaries in place the better but it's so painful for you right now, you must be reeling.

Snazzynewyear Sun 31-Mar-13 22:05:56

Your therapist has nailed it. She has to be Alpha mum and she has to be someone's saviour. She is happy when you are down and she can see herself as being your champion, the one who saves you, picks you up and keeps you going - so she has to believe that you are a rubbish mum and only manage with her help. The awful incident with your foster brother angry fits with this because if she'd had to admit that he had wronged you terribly, then her image as his saviour would be shattered - so you, the victim, had to be told that you had got it wrong, and had to go. And of course she was a 'tower of strength' during your pregnancy - it was a golden opportunity to be the saviour again. No wonder you doesn't want you to move out. She is terrified you will actually be fine on your own!

Listen, this woman is not a good mother because a good mother would want the best for you (like you do for your DS, right?) and she doesn't.

But there's good news! The good news is that because she is so screwy, the stuff she wrote means nothing. Whatever she thinks, it is the opinion of a seriously screwed-up person. Her judgement means nothing. In fact, as has been astutely pointed out above, she may well be manoevring her to solidify this idea of you as a no-good mother for her own gain. Tread very carefully.

I would not be surprised, thinking about it, if she had done the phone thing deliberately. On the other hand, we can't be sure. But in any case, what it tells you is that long-term, she can't be trusted to help you as there are strings attached. So at some point you need to look for other support, and I bet people on here can help you find it. But focus on moving out - if you can possibly speed that up, then do it. You are going to do just fine, better than fine, with your DS. Her words are very hurtful but they're not true.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 22:10:19

Sorry, I am back - ds wanted to get up and play.... just what I needed!

I understand what you are all saying about her maybe wanting control of DS and knowing the system, however (totally outing self here) due to a recent incident there is not a chance of that happening. She fosters 2 young adults who have been severely sexually abused and have abused others - a recent risk assessment has said she cannot childmind or have other children here unsupervised. This is a massive part of why I am moving out, I don't feel I can leave ds alone at any point, I'm a nervous wreck. The risk assessment was at my instigation and she thinks I am over reacting and that social services don't understand how on top of it she is and that she knows best.

I know she comes across badly here, I really do, but this is just one side of her - I think that is what makes it so hard and confusing. She will be lovely tomorrow, and then she says I throw things back in her face. Or if I pretend all is ok, then I am being manic. I just feel like I can't win.

I wish I could move out sooner, but realistically I need until end of April to save, I have been looking at getting a temporary loan but I have been turned down and so I can't really see a way out.

My self confidence is crap, which I am analysing with therapist, but I really am terrified I won't cope on my own. I'm scared, I was always scared, but this just makes me feel like on the one hand I am right to be and that I won't cope, but on the other hand that she is wrong and I need to cut her out my life. I swing between the two and I'm driving myself up the wall with it!

hiddenhome Sun 31-Mar-13 22:15:25

I used to be like this. Scared that I wouldn't be able to cope on my own. You need to bite the bullet and just do it. You will cope, believe me. I wished that I'd had the confidence to have done it years sooner.

You will cope. You will. My god, don't stay there a minute longer than necessary. Have that baby stuck to you like glue.
I think her image of herself is of a saviour, but she is neglecting you in order to maintain it. Why on earth would she want you to move in with your baby if she is fostering two severely damaged people?????? (I don't disagree with her fostering damaged teenagers but wanting you and your baby to move in is weird)

You will be fine.

Sounds like you're struggling with obligation and guilt with your Mum but it's ok to feel how you do and it's ok to struggle to let go when she's hurt you and it's ok to have instigated that risk assessment. Although I can only imagine how that would have rubbed her up the wrong way, almost like she felt you were questioning her competency. But it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Your head is probably in a bit of a muddle right now but keep talking if it helps, as it may also help you to solidify plans and feel clearer about things.

Moving out is a big step but you will be fine, I promise and when you live in your own little place, it will be such a place of peace and calm. You will relax so much more. Everything is clearer in retrospect.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 22:20:41

ok, please indulge me here, but what if I'm the problem and I just don't realise it?

I have been horrible to her in the past - I have flown off the handle at things she has said, I have cried for no reason, I have appeared flighty because I have just upped and left. My life up to having ds was a mess, even though I appeared to be functioning normally.

If she came on here and posted as herself as a concerned mother, with her slant on things, then people would be slating me and saying she needed to support me.

What if I'm the problem and I'm just defending myself when I shouldn't be? I just don't know any more. I really can't see the wood for the tree's

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 22:21:53

And now I'm sodding crying again! Thank you and sorry everyone.

DorisIsWaiting Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:12

Ok the fact that social services have got it all wrong and she is right (seems to ring some bells with your OP only in that case you were wrong).

She really is ALWAYS right isn't she!?

You are a good mum (you are concerned have had risk assesments done etc etc) You are putting him first.

|Distance will help make you and even better mum as you remember how to be independent. She wants you dependent on her and that's not what a good mother does .

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