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Partner moved out yesterday, I'm distraught. We have a daughter. Help me cope please

(84 Posts)
Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:07:02

Just that really.
He moved out yesterday, we ended our relationship 2 weeks ago, he's gone to live with his mum and I'm really struggling.
We were together for 5 years and we have a 2 yr old daughter, I moved 250 miles away from everything I knew to be with him and now he's gone and I'm here on my own with our daughter.
I can't move back home as she needs to see her dad and I don't want to make their relationship difficult. I also have a good job and she's in a really good nursery.
Even though I instigated this after our argument on mothers day I still have this hole in my stomach, I feel empty and alone and the thought of him not loving me anymore is unbearable at this stage.
What are the next steps for me? How can I keep motivated and happy for the sake of our daughter? How the hell do I cope?
Thanks in advance.

pinkpaws Sun 24-Mar-13 19:14:11

Hello take it slow real slow one day at a time i know that sound stupid but honest just plan from day to day . Dont put yourself under pressure to have any answers at moment. And stay in close contact with your family even if they are far away. And take heart that many many people have been where you are now and have moved on and are happy and loved.

Georgebooboo Sun 24-Mar-13 19:15:18

Hello, sorry to head about your situation. I am I. Exactly the same situation . My husband left me on Tuesday, so I'm at home with my five month old little boy. I'm happy to chat by pm if it helps x

Georgebooboo Sun 24-Mar-13 19:16:19

Sorry about the spelling mistakes!

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:20:15

hi pinkpaws, thanks for that. That's the thing, I know so many people who have been where I am and got through it. When we were together I visualised actually being on my own and played out scenarios in my head. But now it's happened, it's knocked the wind right out of me.
We've arranged money and visits but everytime we speak (we've only spoken 3 times today as our daughters not been well) I just cry, and he's being so hard!
He's round at his mums, Sunday dinners with the whole family and I'm here at home on my own with poorly child - normally I'd be there with them.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself but it's actually quite nice to get this out.

raskolnikov Sun 24-Mar-13 19:20:37

You've been very strong getting this far, just wanted to hold your hand and say well done! Things are not going to be easy for a while, but you've done the right thing and you're putting your daughter first which is brilliant.

If I were you, the first thing I'd do is write a list of all the reasons why you had to ask him to move out. This is for you to look at when you have moments of weakness and need reassurance.

Do you have friends locally in RL? This is the time to lean on them and make a new social life for yourself so that you don't keep on thinking about what's in the past now. Are you working part-time or full-time? That is at least a distraction and something to keep you busy. Try and get out to toddler groups, coffee mornings etc, anything to take your mind off it, if you can fit these things in, of course. Can you take time off work to visit family/friends etc?

It will get better but you've been very brave... ((((hugs))))

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:22:26

Oh Georgeboo sorry to hear that. We're in the same boat unfortunately but we can keep each other sane. I'm happy to chat, message me anytime.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:23:29

Hi

I split with my H at the end of last year. The early days were horrid but there came a point when I realised I hadnt cried for a whole week.

Seems there are so many of us going through the same and reading this board has helped me lots. Just reading about others made me feel less alone.

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:25:47

hi raskolnikov, I don't have anyone in RL (it was my sister who recommended I come here) everyone I have is connected to him or a work colleague.
I work full time in quite a high powered job, so no time off anytime soon, but our daughter is in nursery FT too so the weekdays will be fine I expect, it's just the long drawn out weekends really.

pinkpaws Sun 24-Mar-13 19:26:35

Me again its ok to feel sorry for yourself (WELL A DAY OR SO) then its time to just get on . Is possible that with your little one poorly you are abit scared and unsure at the moment . Thats also normal trust me once the day to day life of being a single parent kicks in you will not have time to wallow lol. Its not that bad in truth it give you a second chance to try again at some point. And next time you will make a better diffterent choice .

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:27:58

Another one here....ended it yesterday...have a 2 year old and an 8 month old. Holding your hand. One day at a time is my new motto xxxxx

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:29:55

I love the idea of writing a list of the reasons why I asked him to leave. I've been going over these in my head and at times I feel good. For example, yesterday I threw out an old rug that we fought about, and after I'd done it I felt great. I moved the furniture around, bought a couple of nick nacks for the kitchen, just showing that the house is my own and I don't have to answer to him anymore.
It's just the not being loved part. I sound so needy and pathetic wondering who would want me or where the next hug is coming from. Needy yes I know.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 24-Mar-13 19:30:46

thanks and wine for all you lovely ladies going through this.

I am about 6 months in to my Ex leaving. Have to say I feel great! I am so much happier and loving having my own house and space.

It is hard, I lost my mind for about 3months, but it does get easier, then it gets better I promise smile

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 24-Mar-13 19:32:44

Another one here to [groan] my resolve is weakening feel really lonely actually and I was used to being on my own.

Going to have to start planning weekend treats like take aways, lunches out, buying my own flowers, taking the dc places, more effort with friends and family.

Next weekend is busy have family coming round saterday for a roast and a birthday party sunday so only the mon and fri bank holiday to deal with.

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:33:08

Oxen - I did similar when my H left. New rug for my bedroom and a few other new bits. A picture to replace a wedding photo etc. oh and I've lost nearly 3 stone and dropped 2 dress sizes - a happy side effect smile

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:33:16

One day at a time indeed.
I flit between anger, sadness and determination to succeed.

there is a family party next weekend and they've been calling me to make sure I go. What would you do? He's going to be there?
I don't want to upset his family as I do love them and we get on really well, would it be weird if I went?

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:34:39

Ha, funny you mention that. I've already lost half a stone!!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:35:57

I keep having mini panics about my DCs not seeing their dad every day. I saw a pic on fbook today of a dad holding a bday cake while a little girl blew the candles. Suddenly thought that my DCs will prob never celebrate a bday with both parents. Feel so sad and very guilty.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:36:36

I've lost 6 pounds in about 3 days....result smile

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:39:46

Going to a party with him there will be difficult - make sure whatever you do its is your choice.

I attended. Family event with him the other month and our teens. I made sure I put my best frock on and even my teens said I looked fab. Was hard but it was doable as we are trying to be friends.

I also went somewhere yesterday where I saw lots of people I havent seen since the split and there was a flick of 'jealousy' when he saw me being greeted by then and especially when a few of our friends commented on how I was looking - made me feel good. Oddly the potential OW couldn't meet my eye ;) (silly bitch)

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 24-Mar-13 19:41:51

Mamma - if he is decent you can do the birthday thing as a family. We have done with one of ours (much older than yours i know). To anyone else we looked like a normal family that day. Though obvious H went home after we'd had cake etc - apparently he cried - his fault not mine ;)

PullyWoolOver Sun 24-Mar-13 19:45:33

Hi OP, just wanted to say I'm also here for hand holding. My P left a few weeks ago so I know just how you feel. I'm also alone with a young DD in an area I don't know many people.

Writing a list of reasons why it wasn't working sounds good, I might try that.

Am also around to chat if you need to - I reckon we need all the support we can get right now!

Oxen Sun 24-Mar-13 19:46:49

see that's what I'm thinking, go to the party and try to look stunning and happy, he's an awkward bugger so won't be in same room as me (it's a house party) but I think as long as I'm the one not giving any ammunition for him or anyone to hold against me then I'll be doing ok.

He's also coming to the house tomorrow evening to see our daughter and bathe and put her to bed, but I'll be in my work suit and looking ok (I hope)

he knows I still love him and he's heard/seen me crying these past few days but I just need to hold it together.

goodenuffmum Sun 24-Mar-13 19:47:50

Hi,
Another one going through it...I am 1 month in and feeling ok(ish)

He's another one who ran back to mummy's. hmm

He called round today unexpectedly and I didnt get that horrible sick feeling in my stomach, so Im guessing I am doing ok. smile

I got some tough (but spot on!) advice here in the early days but could only get up the courage to get him to leave after 3months of silent living in the same house.

The advice I followed was to take it one day at a time, eat and not to make big decisions. I wrote a list of the reasons he drove me crazy (it ended up a long list!) and I look at it when I am feeling sorry for myself.

During the bad days I reminded myself that the world is full of divorced women and I don't see them walking around crying so they must get through it grin

Good luck xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 24-Mar-13 19:47:57

Thanks dot. Yes, I did think that. It's just I have no first hand experience of this....suddenly I'm trying to imagine what parents evenings and sports days are like...

I expect it will feel normal by the time we cone to those things.

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