Coping with grief and an overwhelming urge to have another baby

[MouseyHousey]

I guess I just need some outside perspective on my situation, I dont think I am really thinking with clarity and not sure if this is just a temporary feeling.

Basically my grandmother passed away at the beginning of february. To be completely honest it has devastated me. We were very close and she was much more like a mother to me. Obviously this has been a very difficult time for me especially with surrounding situation which is explained below. But, since my grandmother funeral I have had an overwhelming urge to have another baby (I have 2 DDs already) I have always wanted more kids but we were planning on waiting for a couple of years. I dont know if it is partly to do with the grief but I just feel I dont want to wait anymore and it just feels right to do it now. My husband is pretty laid back about when we have more kids and is happy to have more whenever I am ready but...

In the middle of January this year I found fb messages between my husband and a girl he works with. I confronted him, kicked him out the house etc. He moved back in when my grandmother died because I honestly wasnt copng with the children then but we were sleeping in seperate rooms. We had everything out and he eventually told me everything that had gone on between him and this girl. (Im ashamed now to say I even went to see her to get her side of things) He cried, apologised, all the usual.., had a mini breakdown and said he was petrified he was going to lose me and our girls. We decided to go to marriage counselling and although it is early days there has been steps forward in our relationship and I do think there is something there worth saving. However, we still havent slept together, not sure Im there yet although that does complicate things with my desire to have a baby.

Honestly I dont know what to do, I know it sounds stupid but I feel like my grandma wants me to have a baby and that somehow Ill have a little part of her with me. At the same time after two DDs I know babies are stressful and it puts a lot of pressure on even a solid relationship but then I also think having our DDs really made us closer maybe it will help bring us together as a family again.

I guess you can tell Im pretty confused, sorry for rambling.. any thoughts much appreciated!

[pod3030]

I'm so sorry for your loss, you need to give yourself space to grieve. Don't make any important life changing decisions just yet, your body and mind are in shock. I think you should be kind to yourself, let the counselling run its course and get healing before you rush in to have another baby. You need to know you can absolutely trust dh and he needs to prove it. You are vulnerable and understandably want love and support at this difficult time. A baby is something exciting to look forward to together once you have worked things out, if that's what you feel is best.

[izzyizin]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

There's no easy way to tell you this, honey, but if he's cheated once - he can cheat again, only next time he'll take care not to leave a trail.

Your grief at the loss of your grandmother and for the loss of trust in your marriage, is causing you to want to go back to a time when you were happy and content, but you need time to grieve for her and time to see whether counselling can save your marriage.

Whatever you may feel your grandmother wants, I feel sure that she would not want you to have another dc with your h until you are absolutely certain that he is, indeed, a reformed character who is worthy of your love.

[Dryjuice25]

Agree with previous posters.

Grief can have this effect on people.Your marriage is not strong enough to consider this step and I hope you do give yourself time to grieve your grandmother and the loss of trust in your marriage before making any life altering decisions.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

People do not talk to you from beyond the grave. If you feel you want another baby the more simple reason is that babies = happiness. It can also be a form of 'hysterical bonding' in response to finding out your husband is unfaithful. i.e. you want to fast-forward the healing process.

So I'm sorry but I think this is your insecurity & unhappiness talking and it's not coming from a position of rationality.

[MouseyHousey]

Thanks for your replies. I know logically you are all right, I guess I have to put aside the baby idea for a while. I guess I did know that really but the baby thought has kind of consumed me for a while. Thank you

[ElectricSheep]

I'd strongly suggest you go to do some counselling. Just for you. On your own.

You have had two major losses in a short space of time - your grandmother, and the marriage you thought you had. That's a lot to deal with. You need to be feeling much stronger before you make a big decision like that. Plus your H needs to see that you are strong and not caving in and taking him back in to your bed just to conceive. He needs to really have underlined to him that he has to respect you 100% and commit to you 100% or you'll kick him out for good.

You do not want to be in the position of a newborn + 2DDs and cheating husband this time next year. Counselling just for you is the way to go imho.

[OneMoreGo]

Agree with electric sheep. Although I do think wanting to bring new life into the world is probably quite a common way of dealing with grief at the loss of someone dear. But that doesn't mean you should do it; no way would I procreate with someone I'd just caught out in that way. Very sorry for your loss, OP. :(

[MouseyHousey]

Thank you ElectricSheep I am on the NHS waiting list for counselling, I got put on at the end of february but I understand it is often a 6 month wait.