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AIBU to expect him to take 1 day off to mind me?

(40 Posts)
chubbymomie2012 Wed 20-Mar-13 21:26:20

i need to have a wisdom tooth out under sedation because the root is twisted and pinching a nerve so causing bloody pain!!!!!! initially the date they gave me was 11th of april but they called today to say i could have a cancellation monday or wed next week. i was on the spot and choose Monday. Asked my other half to be here on monday because i need him to look after me and the kids and he says no he cant ring back and ask for wed. by the time i did wed has gone so now im back to 11th. im bloody furious. hes really pissed me off. i dont ask for much and this is important not just a whim. AIBU????

CabbageLeaves Thu 21-Mar-13 20:41:47

I hope you can start a conversation where he acknowledges the issue and you both recognise the different pressures you are under. smile

chubbymomie2012 Thu 21-Mar-13 17:59:40

Cabbageleaves! yes. you are spot on. i hadnt looked at it like that. seriously its so obvious when u say it like that. i have also calmed down a little. thank you.

CabbageLeaves Thu 21-Mar-13 17:41:26

Chubby. You've just given reasons why you can't do Wednesday. Perhaps your DH feels the same way about his working day? You feel family events such as after school clubs are too important but he should cancel his day? Can you see where there might be an issue between both your appreciation of each others needs?

Ok, but she is still in pain. Because he can't do Monday.
So now she has to wait even longer.

clam Thu 21-Mar-13 16:44:42

"If he works at home on Wednesday why did you not take that appointment?"

Perhaps because she's in a lot of pain and wants it sorted asap?

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 21-Mar-13 11:55:13

Sorry to hear that chubby. I don't think you were testing him, btw. You simply asked him for his support and he refused.

Perhaps he'll understand when you are unavailable to him when he is next in pain and needs consideration.

kasbah72 Thu 21-Mar-13 11:11:31

I am sorry you didn't manage sort it out together but I do think that testing someone else's love and support by getting them to (inevitably) fail some arbitrary challenge to prove your point is just a nightmare.

chubbymomie2012 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:46:12

nyway have spoken to him at length and he can't see at all why I'm upset. What's the point in arguing. I'll just have to look after myself in future. I can't rely on him so I should stop expecting him to be there when I need him.

chubbymomie2012 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:44:21

I Couldn't take the Wednesday apt because my son has an appointment that day which I had to fight to get. Plus it's a day where our older two kids have after school clubs and so I have to drive all over the place to collect them. It's a busy family day and me being incapacitated that day would be a nightmare.

onefewernow Thu 21-Mar-13 10:01:08

Typos alert!!

onefewernow Thu 21-Mar-13 10:00:32

I sympathise as this sort of issue was one which we took to Relate, where he agreed he put himself first and that sent a message.

My advice to anyone thinking of giving up work completely I'd don't do it. Skills become out of date or rusty quickly, and you are banking on always bring together . Hopefully you will be bit it isn't set in stone, and is limiting choice in future. I would go part time and get in help, too. It always looks greener on the other side of the work/home fence than it is.

firesidechat Thu 21-Mar-13 09:42:13

I had two wisdom teeth out without sedation (just the usual pain killing injection) so it can be done. Maybe there are reasons that a sedation is necessary.

My husband would struggle with taking time off at short notice and we would have to agree a good time to do this. If I was in pain I would be desperate too.

If he works at home on Wednesday why did you not take that appointment?

EverybodysSootyEyed Thu 21-Mar-13 09:35:17

Well in that case I would have words with him. Although if he works at home in Wednesday I think I would have taken that appointment.

Dh and I are currently having the debate about whether or not I should give up work. It would make our lives so much less stressful but I hesitate because I don't want to be in a position where he takes me for granted.

By giving up work you have mde his life so much easier and there is a quid pro quo for that. He needs to step up to that too. He doesn't get to check out of all family responsibilities just because you have taken on the lions share

chubbymomie2012 Thu 21-Mar-13 07:47:14

Thanks for the points of view ladies. I know it can come out without anaesthetic but I was advised to go for sedation ad the roots are curling and it will be a difficult extraction. I know he doesn't have meetings on Monday that's prob why I'm so annoyed he won't make himself available. He is saying wed because that is a day he would usually work from home. Again I would understand if I asked him all the time but I actually have never asked him to rearrange o look after me. Normally if I'm sick my parents step in however in this case it wouldn't be possible to rely on them.

CabbageLeaves Thu 21-Mar-13 07:24:27

It is possible to have wisdom out with sedation if you're desperate. I have done this and 3 other procedures (biopsies) because I was needed for childcare. So yes it's possible but not desirable and if your DH could be available that would be far better for lots of reasons.

If my DC had an emergency I'd drop everything to be there. When planning their routine appt I fit it in around work. Your issue seems to fall between the two scenarios. I would suggest DH doesn't realise how you feel or doesn't care. Assume the first and talk smile

I needed a tetanus injection because of a nasty laceration sustained over the weekend. Long story but it was assumed I'd got up to date tetanus (NHS worker). On finding out I didn't I needed to get jabbed ASAP. Couldn't easily leave work so I waited a day... In an ideal world, work wouldn't intrude quite so much but it's a mistake to think someone gets paid (a lot?) and can just swan off when they need to. I have to prioritise I took the rational view that one day was a risk worth taking vs the chaos which would follow my absence. My decision and my body. You both need to talk. Perhaps he feels you don't value him or his job ? There are often two sides to everything. Really worth talking

I couldn't arrange a day off like that at short notice. Obviously he Realised Monday was out but could do Wednesday.
I understand you are in pain, I sympathise, I really do. But If I had meetings etc booked in all day, I wouldn't be able to take that day off to look after my DH if there was another date 2 days later.

People can't always drop everything at short notice unless its an actual emergency. It's unprofessional

kasbah72 Thu 21-Mar-13 06:54:11

Aaaagh, on phone. Apologies for typos.
Just read your last message. Sounds like you are not happy with how life is so that is colouring your reactions to this incident.

kasbah72 Thu 21-Mar-13 06:52:24

It doesn't sound like he is bring unsupportive, just unavailable for a last-minute arrangement that he easnt aware of.

Being a director doesn't mean you get to pick and choose the days you work!

If he asked you to go for Wednesday then it sounds like he was happy and able to support you then so where exactly is being so awful? It's hardly like he was refusing to understand why you need help or had pulled out of a commitment because something cropped up at work.

Perhaps you should have texted or called him before committing to the day or asked the receptionist to wait 5 mins before calling anti e else so you could check which day you could have help.

Tooth pain is horrendous so I sympathise with feeling grumpy about waiting but I think you are putting way too much blame in him.

chubbymomie2012 Thu 21-Mar-13 06:45:03

SHELLYWELLY. the day after i had my youngest i was back on the school run. my other half works away 2-3 days aweek i recently agreed to stay off work so i could mind the kids and the house. now i feel like im being treated like an employee. i agree i need to tell him how i feel because i dont tend to say anything. when he comes home tonight i think we will be having a talk.

Shellywelly1973 Thu 21-Mar-13 01:05:30

Sorry Im on my phone- i was the one ironing school&doing packed lunches, not Dp!

Shellywelly1973 Thu 21-Mar-13 01:04:20

I realised very recently you are treated only as you allow others to treat you.

My Dp is utterly rubbish when he has rarely stepped in. Im talking the day after giving birth ironing school uniforms & doing packed lunches! He's never stepped in thinking about it.

A few weeks ago i really needed him to take some time off work. I ended up in hospital so i just needed a few days of him caring for OUR dc&to keep the house ticking over. He was pathetic. I resent him so much now, its been an eye opening experience. I doubt we will be together for much longer.

Make sure you communicate exactly how u feel.

cestlavielife Wed 20-Mar-13 23:35:27

Who stepped In When you had your youngest ? Was he around then ? Ie is this a one off or not ?

cestlavielife Wed 20-Mar-13 23:34:11

Maybe he prefers to delegate? Doesn't make it right but presumably there is a friend or family who could step in where your husband cannot ? For this occasion anyway then you need to sit and evaluate the whole situation...what will happen next time you sick ? Who is in call for the kids? Who is there when you are not ? Will he pay an emergency nanny ? You need back up plans if you can't rely on your h.

clam Wed 20-Mar-13 22:49:18

Plenty of people give birth without pain relief too. But that doesn't mean she should be rail-roaded into it because her husband's got more important things to do.

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