AIBU about weed?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Ok. So I have a new boyfriend. He's lovely in so many ways. Great dad, lover, kind considerate. Only ( and pretty major) bugbear for me is that he smokes weed and i hate it. He never smokes around me. He does have this stoner mate though whom he is out with tonight. Trouble is I hate weed as it makes me go psycho. He said he will give it up for me ... but then that would make me the boring, controlling girlfriend won't it? What do I do? I don't want to break up over this but I worry it will drive a wedge between us. Mabe he needs a gf who is not so anti-drugs?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I wouldn't have such a problem with stoner mate but he one of those who dosn't get how someone could go to a party without taking drugs

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

Hmm.

How do you know he's a great Dad if he's a new boyfriend? have you met his kids? Does he see them often? It's hard for an outsider to say whether someone is a good Dad from a snapshot of their life.

The weed would put me off. Now and again it's not so much of a problem but people who are regualrly stoned off their tits are the most boring losers in the world.

[superstarheartbreaker]

My opinion is that you can put anything you want into your own body as long as you don't tell me what to put into mine; but then if I give my anti-drugs lecture then I will be a hypocrite. Fuck; I do hate drugs and the way they fuck with people.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Have met kids. Is a couple of months old. Totally devoted and on the ball with kids. Sees them 3 nights a week. Excellent dad. Excellent. Trouble is some can smoke the occasional spliff and function.(him)I smoke a spliff and go psycho! I'm not gonna lie; the thing I am anxious about is his wreck head mate who btw is married and ttc!

[FurryDogMother]

I gave it up when I met my husband, because he was very anti drugs. I never considered him to be controlling (nor boring!), it was my choice. I never resented it at all. Now if he'd just give up the Guinness for me....

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

Sorry, do you mean one of the kids is only a couple of months old? I'd be questioning that first. Why did he break up with the mother AND start a new relationship when the baby is only a couple of months old?

That AND the weed as well would be a red flag for me.

[BucketsnSpades]

The weed would turn me right off, i've yet to meet a single person who has fulfilled their full potential whilst using it.

I'm very anti drugs now but i guess that in those first few months of a relationship when the attraction is really strong it's near impossible to end a relationship on the basis of drug use because at that point you've not experienced all of the negatives.

Maybe wait a while before commiting to this man.

[badinage]

It wouldn't bother me a jot to be called controlling or boring, I'd never entertain a relationship with a drug addict.

Why did his last relationship break up then, seeing as his youngest child is virtually a newborn? How does he pay his fair share for them when he has to fund a drug habit?

[Assajjventress]

Great dad with who, your kids, his kids? I think once you have kids it's a no to weed really. Yeah maybe odd occasion but anymore is a problem.

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

I don't know how you can say he is an excellent Dad OP. He has obviously split with the mother of a newborn and got so heavily and quickly involved with you that you have met his kids already, all while his baby is a "a couple of months" old.

Add Weed to this and a "stoner" friend, and I'm thinking he's not much of a catch. I think the first flush of lust hasn't worn off yet and when it does, you'll be posting in relationships again.

It's a sad state if affairs and I don't mean to sound harsh to you OP.

[Sunshinewithshowers]

My ex said he had given weed up.

Then -

he sent me a text by mistake, asking when he could pick some up.

Thought I was in the bath, when I was in fact watching him out of the bedroom window. He was smoking a bong in the garden.

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

Good point Sunshine. Someone can offer to give up weed "for you", but until they can give it up for themselves it's kind of a losing battle.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Hi all. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear; his son is two and almost three not a few months old.

[superstarheartbreaker]

His son was two when they split. What I think makes him a good dad is that he still sees his step dd on a regular basis and regards her as his own. He needn't have bothered. he is genuinely great when they are around.

[badinage]

So are you saying that you've met his kids after a relationship of only 2 months?

Has he met yours?

Why did his relationship break up and how is he paying a fair whack for his kids despite an expensive drug habit?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Apparently they 'don;t get on'. We are going to have the talk tomorrow.

[badinage]

I think that's a minimum for a step-parent actually. It doesn't especially merit 'good Dad' status.

[superstarheartbreaker]

He does hold down a pretty well-paid job but for me that is irrelevant.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Yes hes met mine.

[badinage]

Your posts are rather confusing. 'They don't get on' implies a current relationship, not a defunct one. How long ago did his relationship end then?

[superstarheartbreaker]

no they coparent so obviously they are in contact.

[superstarheartbreaker]

but no romantic relationship. They are coparents and as he has the kids so much they communicate; sporadically! i have noo issue with and in fact encourage this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't get into a relationship with someone that you think is only 90% OK, banking on them voluntarily correcting the other 10%. People rarely change and what is an annoying idiosyncrasy in the early days will have you wanting to kill them a few years down the track. If you hate drugs, don't get with a drug-user.

[specialmagiclady]

Expensive drug habit? Where did OP say that? Drug addict? Where are people getting this idea from?

I think it would absolutely depend HOW this guy is using weed and how influential his stoner friend is. If he enjoys an occasional spliff at the weekend in the way one might enjoy a glass or two of wine, no problem. If he only smokes weed when he's with his mate - and he doesn't see him every night, no problem.

If, however, he is mostly stoned, he drops you to go out with his useless mate etc then there is a problem.

Why do you think that just because he takes a drug it means you have to? Is his friend one of those "go on go on go on" friends? I bloody hate people like that whether it's drugs or beer they're pushing. No means no. If boyfriend can't respect your desire to avoid it, that's an alarm bell too.

If, however, he likes to wind down with an occasional joint and it doesn't effect your relationship in any way, dom't sweat it.

Also bear in mind you haven't known each other very long, you don't have to get all serious. Can you keep it light until you know each other really well?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Don't sweat it'? If the OP doesn't like weed or weed-users, they don't like it. That's all that matters here. Not how much he spends or how responsible a user he is or what other people think of the habit. I don't like tobacco, tobacco smokers or the atmosphere smoking creates. I once went into a relationship with someone I thought was an ex-smoker and it was a disaster when he started up again.

That's why I say it's a mistake to think there's a future in a relationship when there's a fundamental difference of opinion and preferences. The only future is disappointment.