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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Advice needed!

21 replies

momoney · 07/03/2013 16:47

Fairly new to MN so go easy on me

First a bit of backstory to put this in context, last year me and my DP of 4 years went through a bit of a rocky patch due to his "friendship" with a young girl at work. At first I was suspicious of their "friendship" due to her being 18 at the time (DP was 23) and I thought it was unusual for a guy of his age to want to hang round with girls her age, but then came the excessive facebook messages and texts, and I found out through mutual friends that she would often spend entire weekends at his house (I was living away at uni at the time), but he would always maintain that they were just friends and she was "like a little sister" to him and he was only "looking out for her". After around 8 months of this, me and DP moved away because of his job and as far as I know their contact stopped.
However, a few months ago DP discovered that this girl had passed away in a car accident and was visibly upset for weeks.

Since then, I fell pregnant and yesterday at my 18wk scan we discovered we're having a girl, and DP is determined that we name our daughter after his late girl "friend".

It's caused endless arguments between me and DP and the stress and the tension is beginning to get me down. What can I do/say that could make him change his mind??

OP posts:

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Horsemad · 07/03/2013 16:49

Just say No - I wouldn't agree to it.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/03/2013 17:07

Absolutely no way!!!
Don't argue about it - just say NO!!!
It's not a discussion point and you won't talk about it!
Other names you can discuss and agree upon but that!!??
WOW - that is very thoughtless of him - IMO!

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 07/03/2013 17:13

Erm no

givemeaclue · 07/03/2013 17:13

No way

Ginebra · 07/03/2013 17:13

I agree. say no. it WASNT his sister who died. it was a girl you dobt know. naming the baby is half your decision and you have said no to this name. dont even discuss it any more as discussing it endlessly will only feed his belief that he is entitled to talk u in to it. you are entitled to a compromise.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 07/03/2013 17:15

No. Bonkers.

tigerellatomato · 07/03/2013 17:17

I would just say (firmly) that you think it's better if babies have their own name, rather than being named after friends/family, so they can truly be their own people (might be an easier way out).

ScentedNappyHag · 07/03/2013 17:21

I'm going to go against the grain here- if he wasn't cheating and it was a just a close friendship, I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest to use her name. My DD's middle name is after a friend who passed away while I was pregnant.
Saying that though, he shouldn't push if you've said no, naming should be a joint decision.

Bluelightsandsirens · 07/03/2013 17:21

No way. No argument needed just tell him you f

Bluelightsandsirens · 07/03/2013 17:22

You find it uncomfortable and don't even like the name.

momoney · 07/03/2013 17:22

Thanks for all your suggestions! I was starting to think maybe I was being a bit heartless/selfish but now I'm convinced that I'm perfectly justified in saying no and putting my foot down.

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 07/03/2013 17:33

No- you didnt know her, how on earth will you explain that to her and your respective family?

Plus the memory of this unknown woman who caused trouble between you and your dp ( unknowingly perhaps) will be with you forever.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/03/2013 17:39

No, of course you shouldn't name your baby after some woman you barely knew and didn't much like. It's actually quite worrying that your P is being so insistent about this as it's both insensitive and selfish of him, and I would wonder what other problems you might be about to have with him - either shagging around again or undermining and upsetting you in other ways.

leelteloo · 07/03/2013 17:50

Ridiculous unless she was a close friend of both of you and even then I would say only middle name.

pigsDOfly · 07/03/2013 17:51

An appalling idea? Did you ever even meet this girl OP?

Why on earth would you want to name you precious new baby after someone who don't even know and who's relationship with your DP has caused arguments between you.

He is being incredibly selfish and frankly unreasonable to even suggest it, let alone push the matter.

I would be seriously worried that giving your daughter this woman's name could impact on your relationship with her in later years.

Don't do it. As others have said, tell him you're not prepared to discuss it and that's the end of the matter. Come up with some names you like and tell him what you want.

Percephone · 07/03/2013 18:00

Can you encourage him to remember her in some other way which isn't going to affect you? Plant a tree, get a plaque made, name the cat after her... anything?? That way you still acknowledge he is upset about losing her? I'm sure you'd rather not think about her but it could be a compromise.

momoney · 07/03/2013 19:03

I saw her at DP's work once but he never introduced us, pigsDOfly. And Percephone I'm going to suggest the plaque and planting a tree ideas as a good compromise.

OP posts:

Ginebra · 07/03/2013 19:21

Are you married to this guy? Becase you call him a P I guess no?

Is he a decent guy or does he have a sense of entitlement to make the final decision in the relationship, he seems to attribute more importance to what he wants. And he's not afraid to push and persuade to get his own way!

Is this across the board? or, is this out of character behaviour borne out of grief for this woman? and if it is, then how close was he to her ?? If I were you I'd think carefully about whether or not to give the baby his sur name. I'd give the baby your own sur name.

momoney · 07/03/2013 19:41

Ginebra no we're not married, and he has his moments but normally we see eye-to-eye and agree on most things, which I think is why I'm finding it more difficult. I think most of it is grief, and possibly guilt due to the fact that he wasn't there at the time of the incident due to us moving away.

OP posts:

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 07/03/2013 19:50

No. Do post in spirituality / religion too (it may give you ammunition that is not based on "I think you cheated me with her") but carrying a recently deceased person's name is not fair on a new child. Especially if there is emotional baggage around the name.

And in your case, it does sound plain wrong.

If you did not want this name. Say no.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/03/2013 00:51

I don't want to sound like a condescending old bat here even though I am getting on a bit but I think a part of your DP's distress may be down to the fact that he is quite young and so was the girl who died.
The first time someone of your own age group dies is always a big, distressing shock, often more so than the loss of a grandparent, because the death of a grandparent is sad but sort of part of the natural order. The death of someone in your own generation, when you are still young, is a very unsubtle reminder that you could die any minute, as well, that a long and healthy life is not guaranted.

If your DP is otherwise lovely and you haven't had any subsequent cause to suspect him of pursuing sex with other women, it could be that he is just reacting to the shock and maybe he did have only brotherly feelings towards this girl.

However, it's still not on for him to suggest naming your DD after her, that's still selfish, insensitive behaviour.

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