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Pressure from DH

(106 Posts)
BranchingOut Tue 05-Mar-13 09:40:22

Trouble has cropped up again with my husband...

I am sitting down to write this quickly now, otherwise I am in danger of splurging on the first sympathetic person I see at work.

I have posted a few threads before, so feel free to look for some of my old ones. The potted history is that we have been together 20 years, married 10 and have a son of 3 years.

When my son was 1 year old we went through a terrible patch in our marriage. I had not returned to work (employer refused pt working) so was at home for a year. At the end of the year, after a lot of searching, I managed to get a different pt job. During that year DH gave me a really hard time about being out of work, said he wasn't sure about being married anymore and went 'cold' (not really speaking to me apart from neutral matters, no physical affection, expressing lots of doubt about the relationship). This went on for five months.

My previous job had been a senior teacher (SLT) - earning about 50k but hugely long hours and lots of pressure. I was probably earning the most that I could reasonably expect to do as a teacher.

DH works in the city - long, unpredictable hours and lots of pressure, but earns £100k plus.

We have good standard of living, but live in quite an expensive area of London so nothing hugely extravagant. 3 bed house, but nice car and the occasional holiday. Quite a lot in savings - including a £90k inheritance from one of my relations.

I am not boasting about any of this and count my blessings on a regular basis.
I think we are extraordinarily lucky, wealthier than we ever dreamed of being etc.

The job I have, in the voluntary sector, has all sorts of advantages. It is part time, 3 days a week for now but could probably convert into a school hours job when my son is at school. However, the pay is poor - £28K pro rata. So I bring home less than 20k, which is a lot less than what I was earning before. Plus I lurve my job and colleagues, and they are hugely tolerant of all nursery runs etc. The quality of the work I get to do is also excellent - national intiatives etc.

I am due to get a re-grade (slight promotion, maybe £1.5k more) and last night, before we went to sleep, DH suddenly started asking why this hadn't happened yet and feeling that I should leave to get a better paid job. He came out with gems such as 'I have to shoulder all the burden of breadwinning, it would be nice if you could contribute', said that my employers treat me like 'a dogsbody' and that 'You live the life but I am supporting it'. He thinks I should give in my notice if this re-grade does not come through.

I pointed out that my job might involve him giving some of the flexibility around childcare if I were to get a better paid job, but he seems to think that all part-time jobs would offer that. I currently do almost all nursery runs, childcare arrangements etc.

I am just feeling really upset about some of the things he said and wondering which direction things are going in.

I was half wondering whether to confide in my immediate boss, who is lovely, and possibly hope that this might exert a bit of leverage around the re-grade, as I don't think they would want to lose me.

Feeling miserable and biting back a few tears, but relieved to be able to get this out on MN.

Got to go now, but

cassgate Thu 07-Mar-13 19:45:00

Sounds like he is trying to compete with his colleagues. I worked in the city and it is not at all unusual to work with people who have massive joint salaries. Difference is that where both of them work they have live in nannies for the kids and they never see them. I had a female boss once who earned £100k plus (this was 10 years ago). Her husband worked for a different bank and was on the board so god only knows what his package amounted too. They had a lavish lifestyle there is no doubt about that, big house, flashy cars, first class flights to amazing holiday destinations. But they never saw their kids. Both left the house before the kids got up in the morning and didnt get home until after they were in bed. There was also a lot of travelling involved with the job which meant frequent weekend flights. His jealous, it doesnt excuse his behaviour but may account for it. Its also not unusual to work with well connected people who have family wealth so it can seem that you are poor in comparison.

In contrast, my dh has a similar salary to your dh and I gave up work completely when we had kids 10 years ago. We also have a similarity that I also came into an inheritance about the same time I gave up work. Difference is the inheritance and all our savings are in my name. I used some of the inheritance to pay off a chunk on our mortgage and the rest just sits there for a rainy day. There have been two of those when dh was made redundant twice in the space of 5 years and we used some of the savings until he got another job. Coincidentally, we have also been together 20+ years but only married for 5.

Fair point, LucyEllen. I should have said, 'I get that he worries about finances...' because he seems to do so, despite the fact that he needn't.

noraknickers Fri 08-Mar-13 23:43:39

Have just looked at a few of your old threads, OP. I'm sorry but I'd say it is time to knock this one on the head. How much more criticism are you going to take? He's not suddenly going to change and it looks like you are the only one in the relationship making the effort.

I've been there myself. It is draining and a waste of time. Please let go of this idiot and find yourself someone who appreciates you for who you are.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 09-Mar-13 07:23:08

Looks like Op has gone...given her history of posting and disappearing she'll be back in a few months' time confused.

OP - hope you are ok, if you really want help, we are here for you but you need to start answering questions.

she posted yesterday and said that she was out for the evening choc.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 09-Mar-13 08:34:06

Ah missed that blush thanks SAF

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