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Relationships

Was I right to tell him to shove it? Long - sorry

23 replies

TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 16:30

I've followed the relationships thread for a while now, and they've been a great help - I've not had the best dating history - this is my first post, so please be gentle.

I have a DD by my ex who I've had a rocky relationship with, on again, off again type thing, and eventually ended it with him for good, when he slept with his ex wife ( 5 years after their divorce went through) I started seeing a guy I worked with and had a good friendship with, we had a good time and really got on well, but I changed jobs and we saw less and less of each other, and things started getting messy with my ex (he had no where to stay and moved in with me to help with child care while I was working) this obviously caused issues with the new guy I was seeing and eventually it all got too much and I called it off.

We tried to stay friends, but it just didn't work, I went through a rough time, and felt like this guy just distanced himself more and more and said a few hurtful and selfish things. So i basically said I didn't want to contiue the effort of maintaining a friendship when I got nothing in return and so I cut all contact with him.

That took us up to about 3 months ago.

Recently we were both invited out by a mutual friend, on face book (I know it's the root of all evil) and the nice banter we had always shared came back so naturally, so I messaged him privtaely saying it would be good to see him and catch up, our conversations got more and more flirtatious. in the run up to meeting up.

When we met we were with a group of friends so weren't overtly flirting, but he kept stroking my legs under the table holding my hand etc, I was really happy, I thought maybe it had just been awful timing the first time round, so at the end of the evening we were walking to get our taxis and after everything that happened I went to kiss him, I have no idea why, but I blurted out "are you seeing anyone?" he kissed me and then said he was (shock number 1)

I apologised profusely for my actions and left sharpish, he messaged me later saying he was really confused and I shouldnt be sorry as he was still in love with me, and had only been seeing her a few weeks. I slept on it, and then stupidly messaged him the next day, and again the messages got flirty and he kept saying he loved me and wanted to be with me, so you can imagine my shock when all of a sudden I get a message saying "Please don't text me until tomorrow evening as I'm seeing L and it would be awkward" (Huge shock 2)

So I didn't, but when he texted me back the next evening I basically told him I thought he was a liar and a cheat, and didn't want anything to do with him, and to not contact me again, but he's acting like I'm being childish and over reacting.

Do I have unreal expectations? Am I over reacting, is this sort of thing normal?

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Dahlen · 26/02/2013 16:36

You're not over-reacting. He has form for revisiting past relationships while in the throes of another. It shouldn't be this hard. Move on and listen to your instincts.

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akaemmafrost · 26/02/2013 16:38

No you're not. Do not bother with him. If he's only been seeing her for a few weeks and loves you then he will end it won't he?

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 16:51

Thanks, that was my thought how can he say he loves me, and shag someone else?

The other thing that bothers me is that he said there'd been no one else since we split, yet on the night out I discovered he'd been dating another girl that worked with us, she told me. I know I don't have a say over who he dates, but why lie about it?

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kalidanger · 26/02/2013 17:06

why lie about it?

Cuz he's a liar?

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Charbon · 26/02/2013 17:07

So you mean that you knew he was seeing your colleague before you kissed him?

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 17:23

No sorry I knew he had dated her and they'd since split, I don't know who he is dating now, nor did I until he told me after I kissed him

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Charbon · 26/02/2013 17:26

Okay. Then you did the right thing, but to be honest I would have cut him off at the pass as soon as he said he was seeing someone else. If he was willing to treat his GF badly for you, he'd do it to you too.

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kalidanger · 26/02/2013 17:27

I suppose he could genuinely be a bit confused about his feelings for you resurfacing when he's just begun another relationship. Or he could chancing his arm that you're a nice familiar sure thing to get his leg over. Only time and a proper conversation will tell. Not over Facebook.

But OP are you sure you even want him? You broke up before, he wasn't nice, you weren't nice. Maybe he's the nice familiar thing you want to get your leg over?

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 17:39

Honestly? No, I wouldn't have him back, but I do miss having him a friend, the banter and jokes we shared were so easy and I felt extremely comfortable around him.

I really thought that he'd call things off with the new girlfriend because he said he was still in love with me. Which was the only reason I contacted him the next day.

I admit I was stupid to think that

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 17:41

I've had every guy I've ever dated cheat on me, and I guess I thought he was different.

I'd never want to be the reason another woman was cheated on

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Charbon · 26/02/2013 17:44

But how would you have felt if he'd been going out with you for a while, met someone else and called it off with you because of her? In all this BTW I'm assuming he promises exclusivity and isn't being transparent with women that he's open to other opportunities?

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kalidanger · 26/02/2013 17:48

You're not stupid, OP Looks like you got a bit overexcited a kit seeing him again.

Take this as an opportunity to be organised with your relationships - don't contact him. Height be thrilled at the prospect of a chase but if you're sure that 1. You don't want him as a bf and 2. Being Mayes won't work then be firm, be bold and say 'Naah. Cheers though'

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kalidanger · 26/02/2013 17:49

Fgs some fat finger phone-typing fails there, soz Blush

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 17:54

I'm assuming he'd never mentioned me, hence the do not message him while he was with her.

You're right, I was excited to see him and from his messages in the lead up to meeting I thought he was too. But I need to sort myself out, I was just so shocked by how angry his response was when I said I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, that I thought maybe I was over reacting an this sort I thing happens to everyone.

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 17:55

Glad I'm not the only one who suffers from fat fingers :-)

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kalidanger · 26/02/2013 18:00

Apart from fat fingers I'm perfect and right about everything


Hmm

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 26/02/2013 18:25

LOL - even fat fingers can't detract from that :-)

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eccentrica · 26/02/2013 20:11

Charbon to be fair, people are allowed to end relationships because they've met someone else and realise they want to be with them instead. It's not nice to be on the receiving end of that, but it's not cheating.

Don't get me wrong, it's obvious that in this situation this bloke has no intention of breaking up with his girlfriend, but if he did decide to, that wouldn't be the OP's fault and it wouldn't be an evil thing to do. Relationships do end.

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LessMissAbs · 26/02/2013 22:19

I wonder if he thinks the on-off thing with your ex moving in with you and so on means he thinks hes entitled to treat you the same way?

Do you think he is a cheat and a liar, deep down? Or just very hurt? tbh he does seem to go through quite a lot of girlfriends!

That said, if you think you have a real connection with him, which has endured through all of this, why don't you arrange to have a real deep discussion with him, and try and see if he is open to making a proper go of it with you?

I think at the moment you are in shock.

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 27/02/2013 09:12

LessMiss - I did wonder that, he knew my ex messed me around and I was probably overly accomadating to ex as I had DD with him.

I really thought he was a great guy, a bit rough round the edges, but I put that down to him beinga bit shy and "out of practice" when it came to relationships, but now I know the truth it seems like he really has no problems getting girls as he kept claiming "Nice guys finish last" and all that. We dated for over a year and were friends for about another 9 months, so I thought I knew him.

I can say hand on heart that I did love him, and part of me still does, but I just cannot go through this again, he's broken my heart more than once, do you let someone like that do it again?

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TeaWhiteWithOne · 27/02/2013 09:14

Oh and just to add - prior to dating we had been good office mates for at least 3 years. Sorry just aware my last post seems like I hardly knew him

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MarinaIvy · 27/02/2013 16:44

I read, a long time ago, the theory that men come in three basic archetypes: The Boy, The Man and The Hairdresser, and the classic example of The Boy archetype is the male who only wants what he doesn't/can't have. The second you're available, he doesn't want you any more.

It's good to visualise such a practitioner as a little boy in a sandbox, pudding-bowl haircut, possibly even wearing a precious little sailor outfit.

In short, YANBU. Stick to your guns, lose the bastard. And get ready for the charm offensive now, since you're clearly not just swooning at his feet.

What's with the him being angry thing? What did he say?

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LittleEdie · 27/02/2013 19:40

I wouldn't be worried about breaking up a relationship that was only a few weeks old. At least he told you. But given your history, he should be sure enough about his feelings for you to be able to finish with her straight away. The fact that he hasn't would mean no more contact for me.

Men who say 'nice guys finish last' always seem mean and insecure to me. They seem to lack some kind of inner confidence.

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