I just can't understand him and it's so confusing. I was with him 13yrs. I shuld know him by now. But I really would live to hear what others think. Please bear with me. What I need really I guess, is advice on how to deal with him because he still gets inside my head and can instantly turn my day or even whole weekend into a disaster just by a txt or couple of phonecalls. It's not that I still love him. He just knows how to push my buttons.
This is a bit of a rambly thread, sorry, but I need to work him out so I can finally understand how things I blame myself for were not my fault. That his behaviour was unreasonable.
He had me convinced for so long. I'm not sure I even know myself any more. I feel so drained.
I have to still have contact with him because of the dc and, now we have split I can see his behaviour more clearly. But it still affects me - too much.
I think he's passive aggressive because he can't ever say how he is feeling. I am very straightforward. He knows how I am feeling because I tell him. He seems to find this impossible and would rather:
- sulk.
- Plays games eg if he was in a mood he would try and mess something up for me (make me late for work by not having children on time etc).
- Agree to everything but use his tone of voice to show he doesn't want to do it (he has various ways of saying 'yes' which, after 13 years I can tell what he really trying to say) It was exhausting to live with.
- Switch everything around. For a long time I was convinced most things that went wrong were my fault. This happens even more now we have split, absolutely everything that doesn't work out for him, is my fault.
- He can never accept responsibility for his actions. Nothing in this world will ever be his fault and he will always be a victim. We split because he threatened my life with a knife, but this is my fault apparently.
- He is very sly. He would lie about everything from money to my possessions. My things would go missing and he would say that I should be more careful and shout at me for being careless. But then one day, I went through the bin, thinking I had thrown my hairbrush in the bin by mistake, and I found my make up and my brush in the bin. He said the dc must have done it. He also ran up lots of debt that I knew nothing about because he wanted complete control over the finanaces (he told me I was too much of an impulse spender to be trusted with the money) and then when I found out about the debt he said it was because I took 9 months maternity leave (which I only did because he said we could afford it)
- Will lie about everything. There is nothing he wouldn't lie about.
I am also confused by the violence, I didn't think passive aggressive people were violent. I thought it was the opposite. They avoided confrontation. But I think he feels that if he isn't getting a response to his PA behaviour (I did learn some tricks on how to deal with it over the years) he would then resort to violence. But the violence was always by fault. I provoked him.
Right you are now all wondering why I was with him. He has everyone (inc himself) convinced he is a lovely kind man. Who is just a victim. He believes one day his luck will change with no understanding why he is in the position he is in. He just feels sorry for himself.
How do I deal with him now we are split? How do I stop him getting in my head? What are the best ways in dealing with PA people?