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moving on with dh after affair

(93 Posts)
1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:22:23

hello. I'm new to the forums. for the past year, my oh has been distant. our relationship has been great at times, awful at others. we've been together nearly 11 years.

he has been very private, not wanted sex since august and reluctant to arrange anything in the future. I always dismissed an affair as I didn't think it was my husband's kind of thing and put it down to depression.

well, I finally found out last night he's been having an affair for about a year, by working out the password for his phone. he met her through work and for many months they just talked apparently. then in the summer they slept together. they've had sex no more than 12 times.

thing is, he's admitted that she's been like a counsellor to him. he didn't ask her to move in with him, but didn't not ask her. he said he told her he loved her, but that love was an infatuation thing, rather than a real thing.

he wants to give me space and see if I can forgive him as he doesn't want to leave me.

what do I do? I love this man and even when we had a heart to heart today all I wanted was us to kiss and him to hold me etc.

I don't want to split up, I just want him back. he's truly sorry.

I'm just so shocked x x

MrsMeg Thu 04-Jul-13 14:48:06

'Men are such simple creatures' grin

You silly woman!

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:46:35

OFGS!

LisaMed Thu 04-Jul-13 14:44:41

Jan45 - this is an old thread that Betrayed40 has posted on to get exposure for their website. It's a bit pants because some women will be getting the pain all over again.

Jan45 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:42:25

I can assure you he's had sex with her more than 12 times in a year. I cannot believe you are allowing him to stay with you, he's arranging to move in with her???????

You think you love him because you are in shock, just wait, you will soon grow to hate what he has done to you and that will kill the love, maybe not completely but I would doubt you will be with this man this time next year, if you are, hats off to you both cos once an affair takes place the relationship is always tained and that lasts forever, a lot of women accept it and even blame themselves; it's the worst form of disloyalty I can think of in a relationship, to me, it would spell the end no matter if I still felt love for him, the love will go, you wait and see but you really need to tell him where to go, if, in six months time you decide you still want him, he'll be back, if, of course, he actually does love you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Jul-13 14:42:24

Betrayed40 is a troll/spammer.... have reported it.

LisaMed Thu 04-Jul-13 14:24:14

I am trying to think of something nice to say about Betrayed40's repeated attempts to promote their website, but I think I had better say nothing at all.

TheVermiciousKnid Thu 04-Jul-13 14:20:56

Oh FFS, Betrayed40. angry Will you please stop posting this shite! It's obvious you haven't even bothered to read the OP's posts.

CashmereHoodlum Thu 04-Jul-13 14:19:58

Maybe we could get Justin Timberlake on for a webchat and some relationships advice hmm

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 14:17:06

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chihuahuas Thu 21-Mar-13 22:30:23

I'm really sorry to hear your news but you will get over it and be stronger for it over time.

skaboy Fri 08-Mar-13 22:27:49

Dad here, going through exactly the same shit at the moment. My wife not even bothered to call the kids tonight after promising them she would. Unfortunately affairs like this one turn people into utter self-absorbed lying callous bitches/bastards.

Its tough but you have to detach now, look forward and make plans foir the future. All advice I need to take myself and I recognise how hard it is to do that. Good luck

tessa6 Fri 08-Mar-13 12:16:54

1983 mummy I'm so sorry this is a terrible blow. But it is really good that you saw the correspondence and you realise the extent of his assholery. You must work towards full detachment and making your own life whatever you want and being kind to yourself. it is good this has happened earlier rather than him wasting even more of your time. You are young and obviously a loyal, beautiful person. You will be fine, You have a whole other life ahead of you and much of it will be better than being with him was. promise.

Charbon Fri 08-Mar-13 12:15:42

So we were right then?

I'm so glad you had the presence of mind to check things for yourself. When someone has lied so comprehensively to you it makes no sense trusting that what they are saying is the truth. Thank goodness you found out that he was just using your home and your relationship as a launchpad.

Please make sure he isn't allowed to forget his daughter. Make sure he does his fair share of parenting her alone and that he pays enough to raise her. I hope he doesn't think he can walk away from her as well as you. If he doesn't contact you to see her, that will be his fault, not the OW's. She might be insecure, but if he puts that relationship before the one with his own child, the blame will be all his.

JC67 Fri 08-Mar-13 10:30:18

1983mummy

Just to share my story - 12 years ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair two years previously when I was pregnant with our second child. I kicked him out for a few weeks but eventually took him back. We talked a lot, he promised it would never happen again and we even had a third child.

Then in Oct 2011 I had a weird intuition that something was going on - he confessed straight away that he was having another affair. We separated and he later admitted he's had numerous 'flings'. To this day, I don't know how many and I've had to rebuild my life and cut contact with him to a minimum because he's been so difficult. I was in my marriage for life but that doesn't work when there is only one person in the marriage and the other is just selfish.

The only way recovery from an affair works, I think, is when the person comes to their betrayed spouse on their knees willing to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage.

You might want to have a look at marriagebuilders.com. It is an American site but I found it really interesting.

How depressing reading mumsnet that there are so many women going through this crap. And so many children whose dads don't care enough. I'm sure my perspective is skewed but why does it seem to happen to women more?

1983mummy Fri 08-Mar-13 10:10:15

thought that I'd give an update. my husband persuaded me to give him another go. his attempts were awful and I should have know something wasn't right, but I never questioned him. then I managed to access his email account and recover his emails that said that he was keeping me sweet so that he could get his self sorted with all his paperwork, their new home etc. in the emails he'd said to her that he doesn't want me the way he wants her, and that he can't waste what they'd shared for the past year, their hopes and dreams....

I kicked him out and not spoke or seen him since.

I questioned via text that his not even asked how his daughter is. he replied saying he'll never forget her and it's devastating not seeing her every day. he then said he'd never forget me and that he'll always love and care for me.

how do I find the strength to carry on. I feel like my life has changed and I'm no longer in control.

I want to be happy again but I'm fed up of feeling the way I do. imaging them together and whether they do things that we shared.

from her emails she seems very insecure and I'm worried once she gets her claws in she'll not let him see or contact me.

please can people cheer me up x

I see you've made a decision. Good. But even that isn't final. There is always time.

Oh lordy sad So sorry. It seems like people are being agressive here because they are a little - but for good reasons. They aren't meaning to be aggressive towards you but towards your H and the situation. But I know it hurts - btdt and I left MN for a while due to the rather harsh treatment I felt I got. But the harsh treatment worked I guess.

I didn't want 'space'. I wanted H near me to question him again and again and to witness my PAIN and ANGER. No way was he going to get off scot-free. I also needed him close for reassurance.

What helped me - short term, a list of questions, everything you aren't sure about, everything. Don't shy away from embarrassing questions and he mustn't avoid the answers. Let you see his phone. He needs to write a NC letter/email to OW and let you see it.

I do think reality might have set in faster for H if I kicked him out initially but I couldn't do it.

Long-term - MC. Find out the why and the wherefores.

You don';t have to make any big decisions now. You really don't. 8 months down the line I am feeling much better, I can see my marriage and my H for what they are without emotions and confusion clouding things - but I am not 100% certain we'll be together in a years time. But there is no hurry - he fucked up, I get to decide how long I take over deciding what happens next. I am in charge now.

Good luck xxx

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 16:00:15

One step at a time.

The first step is to find out how you stand legally and financially. If you've got a good friend or someone who can help you with this while you're still in shock then all the better.

Then tell him that you've been doing some thinking of your own and want to end the marriage. Remember that this doesn't mean you can't change your mind later, but it's important that he thinks the decision has been taken out of hands.

Then detach, speaking to him only about issues such as finance, division of assets and residence. Insist he does his full share of parenting away from your home, so that you get a break.

In the longer term, your social life isn't just restricted to single friends is it? I'm assuming your attached friends have their own social lives and so it should be easy to share nights out with them.

You will manage working and caring for your son because if you insist your husband does his share of single parenting, you will be likely to get more time to yourself and breaks than is currently the case. You might find you have more energy and less work.

I'm so glad you've had a wake up call and realised what kind of man he is.

Well done. Please tell your family and friends and ask for their support - this is his shame not yours.

Get a solicitor, cab, csa website, etc, find out where you stand. He is behaving like an absolute shit.

Bluemary3000 Wed 27-Feb-13 15:47:34

Hi dh had one night stand last year and I didn't get angry. That to be honest with you worried him more as he didn't understand why not. I think it's because if I felt angry then some of the guilt would have gone from him. My dh told me about the night and for several months after I questioned him over and over again. I think to. Try and trick him.
I knew as soon as he told me that I wouldn't throw him out as well strangely it could have been so much worse and he told me and I didn't have to out I my own. Before that I would have said one night stand, affair throw the b@ggar out! I also gave my dh the choice to leave there and then, he decided to stay and put up with me dictating our marriage for a while. Things have settled down and we are back to date nights once a month to try and separate our working lives and the kids from us as a couple. I do waiver from time to time, but there is no more I track on his phone and or checking his emails etc most days.
Anyway my point is, is that you have been deceived and so as far as I am concerned you are the one in charge now and he should be doing what he needs to, to get you back and make things right.
I would be dubious as to his notions of having to get his head straight as that seems weird to me or it could be that he actually taking stock of what has done and realised that he needs to make his own mind up as to whether your marriage is worth it or whether he thinks he might do it again.
The two of you perhaps needs to leave it for a week or so and then have the frankest talk that you have ever had. A few glasses of something may help to discuss those more difficult topics. Good luck

Helltotheno Wed 27-Feb-13 15:43:40

will I find love and find someone willing to take on my daughter and maybe have another child.

This is something I don't think should be your focus for now... also I don't think online dating is the way to go for the time being. Do you have any babysitting options? Is there anything you could join, book club etc? Is there a voluntary organisation local to you that you could help at in the evenings? It sounds like you were a bit too dependent on him anyway, or rather on your life with him. It can't hurt having a decent social life of your own...

Helltotheno Wed 27-Feb-13 15:40:48

he's seen me cry, but has said he wants me to get angry with him? wtf

Well of course he said that, he just feels guilty about treating you like shit, whereas if you lose the plot, it'll justify him treating you like that... that's the way he sees it anyway. It's just the guilt talking...

Don't get angry OP, just detach completely and get him out of the house, ie, put his stuff into bin liners and leave them in the drive. Don't engage with him at all except about the DC. Let him have all the space he needs while you get on with your life. He's just not worth it...

1983mummy Wed 27-Feb-13 15:39:54

thank you for your support. I just don't know how I'm going to cope juggling work and a one year old! how will I find the energy?

I have no single friends, so who can I go out with?

will I find love and find someone willing to take on my daughter and maybe have another child.

and if he goes with this ow, or any other one, how can I come to terms with another woman being in my daughter's life?

I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I am relieved you have realised what an arse he is though.
CAB is the best place to start. They should be able to help you out with stuff and point you in the right direction for other things.
I've been where you are and it is tough. You do want to forgive them.
I tried but it didn't work. Him leaving was the making of me.
It was very tough for the first few months to be honest, but you slowly start to build yourself up again and your life will turn around.
You will find someone who loves you and will fight for you no matter what.
You can do this.
All the very best of luck to you and your DC.

tessa6 Wed 27-Feb-13 14:57:11

You'll be okay. Don't worry. CAB will help, also call you mortgage provider and find out what they might do, they deal with this sort of thing all the time. If you put this sort of practical stuff to your DH he might seem to back down, faced with the reality. Don't trust it. He's just freaking out at the consequences of his own actions.

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