Not sure why I am posting here but I need to make sense of this. Have NC-ed for this as though not a prolific poster, I do know people from RL on MN. History - Been together 12 years, married for 10. Two DCs, 5 and 3. DH has been 'off' with me the last few days. Anyway, after a particularly sullen day, we have had a talk tonight about us.
It's such a bloody cliche, we have been together 12 years, fell in love instantly. got married after 2 years. Waited 5 years to have children because we wanted to be ready. Ha bloody ha. To say parenting has not come easy to either of us has been an understatement of the year. Also, DC1 not a particularly easy child. He tests us to the absolute limit of our patience. DC2 is a very laidback child (thank god!). Neither DH and I have been 'happy' for a while. Have had a particularly testing and stressful 6 months and there are moments where I have fantasised about leaving DH but I always thought at the back of my mind, once the kids got to school and DS1's behaviour got more 'settled' we will have time to focus on us again. Our behaviour towards each other, TBH, has not been kind or pleasant. Snappy, testy and lack of patience...
DH works in a highly stressful job while I work PT and like most working parents, we struggle to find time for anything. Also lack of family support (my family is not local and his family, while local, is rather hands-on) means we just struggle on most days and are exhausted.
Back to today, DH has confessed he has had a spark with someone he works with and that has basically led him to question everything about us as he doesn't feel that way towards me anymore. He has NOT had an affair (emotional or physical) or even contemplate one and I believe him. I had a MASSIVE crush on a singer a few months ago and was completely obsessed with him for quite a few weeks and I think that was my equivalent if that made sense.
After hours of talking (which we really should have done a long time ago), we have established that 1. our 'disconnect' started happening when we became parents. 2. he is not a 'natural' father, don't get me wrong, he loves our DCs but he has not found being a dad easy 3. he doesn't know what to do next as the thought of breaking up our family is horrendous yet he cannot see himself living like this for the next few years, let alone 10/20/50 years. I, on the other hand, still think we have a fighting chance. He has agreed that our marriage is worth fighting for but while I think we could still make it, he is not so sure. We both agree we were very happy in our first few years of our marriage and that the whole parenting lark has taken its toll on us big-time.
So we have agreed we are going to be nice and kind and talk to each other for a change to begin with. We are looking at couples counselling (how do I go about this, finding the right one?) and we are going to make an effort to do something together every week (and get a babysitter) and maybe give it 6 months? I still love him but I DO get where he is coming from, we just both have not been happy with each other for a while. But then again, the thought of breaking up our family breaks my heart completely. I am sitting here now and feeling remarkably calm and we both agree we feel better for having talked about it though it's not good news evidently. But we have both carried resentment against each other for so long, it feels like a relief it's 'out there' and in fact, we are talking to each other normally for a change and not being snappy/dismissive. Does anyone have any experience of going through this with their partner and coming out the other side? Feels at the moment it could go either way and I am sad about it.
Am going to bed now but will read posts in the morning. It's been a gruelling day. :(
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Relationships
What a cliche but where do we go from here? DH does not love me anymore...
notashock · 23/02/2013 23:29
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