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Help! How to bring this up with H? Horrible dodgy site on internet history..

(105 Posts)
ThatsNotMySock Sun 17-Feb-13 23:36:48

Feel a bit sick. Made this thread earlier on,

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1686732-Quick-Facebook-related-Q

Something prompted me a look at his browser history (I know I know sad I feel horrible about it, and wish I hadn't) 99% is absolutely normal everyday things, and I was feeling like a total shit for looking, then came across a site that was... just horrible. I don't want to go into too much detail in case he finds this thread, it was not exactly porn but related and very shocking.

Further digging revealed he had clicked on a link from another site (a kind of reader for blogs, but subject matter a bit unusual/a bit of v light porn/odd stories etc) The title of the link made it very very clear what he would see and he still clicked it.

I can't imagine what he was thinking. He rarely uses porn (or rarely leaves it for me to find) and this seems totally out of character.

I have no idea how to approach it with him. He will be angry if he knows I have looked, and if I bring it up. But I can't pretend I didn't see this. If if was just "regular" porn (ick, hate saying that) I was be pissed off but probably leave it. This.. I don't know what to do. Sorry not to be more precise, he knows I use this site so trying to be a bit careful.

How can I raise this? Should I raise it, or leave it despite the subject matter? Atm, I have left the offending (offensive, actually) pages open on pc for him to see if he looks, but he's sleeping on and off upstairs. He may be down soon and I have no idea what to do sad Please help!

MechanicalTheatre Mon 18-Feb-13 00:04:06

Holy fuck OP. I am not easily shocked but that is horrible.

DoctorAnge Mon 18-Feb-13 00:05:25

Presumably it has been set up for those who get their kicks from seeing Women raped. So they stage these photos.

Worrying is not the word. It's really quite sick. I would have to confront him buty mind would be made up that I want no more to do with him.

MechanicalTheatre Mon 18-Feb-13 00:06:15

He definitely clicked on it.

I think you need to talk to him. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. He could be totally mortified, and it might have been morbid curiosity. I don't know if I'd be able to forgive that, but I might.

If he was arsey and defensive, I think it would be the end for me. And the fact that you are worried about bringing stuff up in case he gets arsey says a lot.

I am NEVER worried about bringing stuff up with my partner. Never.

BlatantLies Mon 18-Feb-13 00:09:09

Just playing devils advocate....

It is possible to accidently click things, are you sure this is not what happened. It is also possible that the page registered in history even though he did not give it time to load. IYSWIM

It seems a little odd that it is just the one page (if I am reading your post correctly )

Does he usually delete his history? If he intentionally looked at something that awful do you think he would have used in private browsing or have deleted his history?

I would speak to him and see what happens.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 00:21:09

Waffly Machanical If I imagined how he would react my first reaction would be that he would put it down to morbid curiosity/having to a look thinking "why the hell would people make something like this!!"

He's always really shocked about rape, anything in the news etc he gets quite upset, says he can't imagine wtf is wrong with people to do that.. so this is totally unexpected. He's never been violent with me, ever. Even when angry his 1st reaction is to retreat until he's calm then talk.

Although, fucking hell. A few weeks ago we were having sex, he tried to kiss me but was being a bit slobbery so I laughed and turned my head away, told him to get off, he was laughing and trying to kiss me, I was laughing and kept moving my head away from him so he couldn't kiss me, he kept trying. He said that was really turning him on sad At the time, I didn't feel voilated/forced at all, but did tell him off for saying that forcing me to kiss him was turning him on. He apologised and just said it was the look on my face when I was laughing. Looking back now, knowing this, just.. fuck. Horrible.

AF Yes i will talk to him. I could bear to touch him again, but only in a way that would probably get me arrested angry

Blatant The link he clicked on was very obvious. I would of course love to give him the benefit of the doubt but..
Yes, it was only the one page. There was no nudity, but he's clicked on a link that "contains images" (stated in the link) so that doesn't make one feck of difference.

I know he was on the pc a lot this morning, but the history had only registed 2 sites. So yes, possible that he has deleted things or uses inprivate browsing. But, he most often uses the pc in front of me and the kids.

How can I raise this "calmly"? I don't feel calm. I want to give him a chance to talk, but \i know he's tired and has manflu and will automatically be in a grump. He's currently asleep in ds2's room, after getting him back to sleep. If I just leave the pages open for him to see would that be better? Any advice welcome (if there can even be advice in a situation like this sad )

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 00:29:40

Leave the pages open ? No, don't do that.

My objection would be to him bringing stuff like that into the house. Apart from the morbid interest in rape, of course.

If there was any chance of dc seeing it, then that would make you no better than him.

I don't understand your reticence. Unless you are frightened of him, that would make sense. Not necessarily in a physical sense, but if he is manipulative and closes you down...that is just more justification for you to do it in the first place, isn't it ? (Assuming you and dc's would be safe)

BlatantLies Mon 18-Feb-13 00:36:35

But you can accidently click links so you need to find out more before taking too drastic action.

Do you have any security software installed on your computer that log sites visited further back in time?

Can you access the list of cookies and see if there are 'dodgey' looking ones.

I don't really know about his sort of thing but perhaps there isamore informed MN'er who can give you some better advice.

You could raise it with him by saying that the auto fill filled in the name of the awful site when you were typing something in and you wanted to check if he had visited it as you were worried it might be virus.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 00:36:48

Oh god no AF, dcs safely in bed. That would be horrific.

I'm frightened of his reaction, yes. We rarely fight actually, but I know when he feels cornered he might lash out (verbally, definitely not physically) and either shut down and refuse to talk to me, or make out that I'm the bad one for looking through his history. I couldn't handle that on top of this shock. He's asleep now, keeps saying he'll wake up but hasn't come down yet. So I either have to bring it up tonight when he's half asleep, or just go to bed and leave this conversation until tomorrow night.

I'm also scared to talk to him as I don't really see how there can be any justification for this.

MechanicalTheatre Mon 18-Feb-13 00:39:18

He sounds very manipulative. He has you too scared to ask him things openly.

That is not ok.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 00:41:49

Blatant I do understand what you're saying, but the link was on a lighthearted, vaguely pornographic site (so not likely to be hard hitting news report about the psychological after effects of assualt or anything)
and clearly titled
"Victims after they've been raped CONTAINS IMAGES

I mean, you couldn't click that without realising what you'd see sad

We use different browsers, so not sure he'd believe the autofill excuse. May try it though!

Apart from these 2 sites, nothing else dodgy on the history.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 00:44:35

Do you fancy the alternative though ?

You feel too frightened to raise it in case he turns it around and tries to blame you ?

Do you believe that would be justified ?

I think his opinions are actually secondary here

Do you have the type of relationship where what he says, goes ?

MechanicalTheatre Mon 18-Feb-13 00:53:15

Don't go into making excuses for why you were on there. You are not the one who needs to be making excuses.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 01:01:18

AF We don't have that kind of relationship, no. If anything, I'm the slightly more ahem vocal one. I know it wouldn't be justified him turning it around on me but it would kill my last bit of hope if that makes sense.

I do not fancy the alternative. We will talk about this. I am angry that I'm going to have to hold onto this for another day, and fake being fine tomorrow in front of the dcs.

Mechanical Thanks. I suppose I'm worried that the talk will get derailed into why I don't trust him, rather than the real issue. But, I suppose I shouldn't start worrying about that. I'm torn between asking him calmly face to face, or sending him a text tomorrow when I'm out so he has time to process things. I hope either way I could address it calmly, and if it is morbid curiosity I at least want to tell him how horrific rape is for a woman, not something to be gawked at for whatever reason, and how horrific it is for me, his wife, to know he was looking at that.

Thanks for listening everyone. This is such a shock. I'm torn between disbelief, wondering if I'm over reacting, under reacting, anger, sadness..

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 01:01:54

What is his job? Maybe someone he knows has been raped or there has been talk of it at work or something. I would also think I might go with Waffly on this one that he was just curious.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 01:04:59

but awsangel if you knew someone who'd been raped, why on earth would you be looking at links from a dubious website? Surely that would make it much worse??

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 01:09:55

so it was definately dodgy not something you would look at out of morbid curiosity.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 01:16:47

awsangel it could be either I suppose, but given how the link was titled, he knew exactly what he'd be seeing iyswim. If he was worried about someone he knew who'd been raped, it would be awful to look at some trying-to-be pornographic images of rape - what possible purpose would that serve? Surely better to research the psychological effect, how he could help them.

Anyway, as far as I know, no-one he works with/knows has been raped. It's not a subject that would normally come up at his work, and he's been off work for the last week anyway.

Sorry awsangel I feel like I'm attacking you, and I'm not, I'm attacking his possible way of thinking, hope that makes sense!

Interestingly, he always, always leaves his fb and email open. When I looked earlier this evening he'd logged out of both. (After our conversation about why random unknown women would try to add him on fb) hmm

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 01:44:47

Its ok, i didnt think you were attacking me for one minute. I was just trying to work out how bad the site was and whether it could just be curiosity even though it is a strange poss warped curiosity but curiosity all the same. But you have mentioned the fb page ......explain more about the convo with him re random women adding him. If you want to of course.

ThatsNotMySock Mon 18-Feb-13 01:51:32

This was my 1st thread about fb, sounds daft now!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1686732-Quick-Facebook-related-Q

YNK Mon 18-Feb-13 02:10:52

It doesn't sound daft to me. I think you need to listen to your instincts!

OutragedFromLeeds Mon 18-Feb-13 02:29:52

What strikes me OP is 'I looked at the site'. So you looked at it? To see what was there? To see what he was looking at? An innocent explanation as to why you were looking, yet you seem convinced that there could be no innocent explanation for him looking. I think that, in itself, is telling tbh.

Dottiespots Mon 18-Feb-13 02:50:38

ah....so could he have looked at something on a site then as his fb platorm was turned on it sent a message to his fb which he then clicked on which went to that site.........possible.

aurynne Mon 18-Feb-13 06:04:11

Hi, I can't speak for youir DH, but I can tell you a very personal story. I once was reading news about the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. I was reading and scrolling down and tried to click on "next" to go to the next section of the story. However, between me moving the cursor and clicking the screen kept scrolling down - perhaps an image had not fully loaded until then, similar things have happened more times. But as a result of it I clicked on a dodgy banner on the side, and it took me to a horrible page with "images of rape" in them. I immediately closed it and did not give it a second thought.

However, the day after my back then boyfriend came to me looking really worried and asked me "why I had been looking at some horrible sites". When he brought it up I had no idea what he was talking about, but when he showed me my explorer history I immediately realized what had happened.

When I started explaining I realised how unbelievable the whole story must have been sounding to him, completely like an excuse. i even blushed. I am still not sure he believed me, but that is not really my fault: he was a controlling, very jealous person. Not until days had passed did I start wondering myself why in hell he was checking my online history.

I had no idea if this is the case, but if 99% of the other pages were normal, and only one showed this horrible content, I would be thinking "accident while clicking". Guys who like watching porn and extreme stuff rarely have enough with one page.

aurynne Mon 18-Feb-13 06:06:18

"I had no idea" should read "I have no idea" (and I should check my messages for typos before sending them...)

Buzzardbird Mon 18-Feb-13 06:24:30

I would not go in all guns blazing. There is a chance that this has something to do with him that you are not aware of. You could even use that you are worried about him as an opener and then if I am totally off on this one you can then let rip?

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