Sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed.
Background - I am from UK (Scotland) and moved to Sydney with DH (who is from here) a couple of years ago. DH has one DSis, but she lives in London, so PILs are our only family here and we live about 10 minutes drive from them. DD was born in November last year and is an absolute joy but very full on and has reflux which makes things even more challenging.
MIL had said to DH and SIL for many years that she didn't want to be "Grandma every Wednesday" (ie provide regular childcare if SIL or I were back at work after kids). This is totally fine and I have been aware of it before we even got married. She goes on quite a lot about how hard it was for her bringing up DH and SIL and that she never got any help etc, and I think she resents the fact that she gave up her career to have kids and still seems to have quite a chip on her shoulder about it. The "Grandma every Wednesday" comment was apparently made in the context of no-one looked after my kids so that I could get back to work, so I'm not going to do it for anyone else.
SIL has a DS (3.7) and DD (13 months) but they are in London so PILs see them rarely, and our DD is therefore the first GC who has been "accessible" so it's new to everyone. SIL and family have come out here twice on holiday, once when DNephew was 7 months and once in August last year (so when DNiece was about the same age). PILs have visited them twice - once when DNephew was 1 and SIL had to return to work full time for a few weeks before dropping to 3 days, in order to keep her maternity pay. MIL came to UK for 4 or 5 weeks, and looked after DNephew full time for 2 or 3 weeks in that time. The most recent time was Jan last year when DNiece was born and MIL flew over to help out (apparently wasn't much use but that's another story!) So it's not that she's never looked after GC but she hasn't had much chance.
Since DD was born (she's 14 wks today), PILs have visited twice on the weekend and MIL has visited 3 times on her own during the week as she's retired. 2 of these visits were when my DM was here on holiday when DD was really little and one was about 6 weeks ago. We have assumed that PILs would like to see DD, and have been visiting them most weekends and some of those visits have been successful, others less so.
Last weekend we visited and they asked if DD was still sleeeping thorugh the night (she does this very occasionally and we must have told them once ). On the Sat night, she had been up once (which I still think is great for 3 months) and so I said no, she woke once last night at about 3am. She then asked whether we attend to her or just leave her to scream . I tried to be polite and keep it lighthearted and just said - she woke because she was hungry, I fed her, she went back to sleep, if she's hungry I have to feed her! I then added (maybe this was the mistake) you can't leave babies her age to cry because they don't understand and they're hungry. I was then laughed at and got 20 million defensive comments - yes you can, we did, blah blah. I knew that they used to hear SIL crying, set the alarm for an hour's time, go back to sleep and then if she was still crying when the alarm went off an hour later, go and see what was wrong. I had heard this and always thought it was a bit but I had assumed that SIL was older at the time!
We then ended up in a huge bunfight - DH tried to defend me but I think they felt criticised about their own parenting, which wasn't my intention and let rip a whole load of stuff. The outcome was that they said we may as well move to the moon [sceptical], they are not interested in having a relationship with DD, we are selfish because we asked them to wash up the dishes (when they came and visited and asked if they could do anything to help....), all of her friends agree with her (not sure what about...). At one point she let rip that she doesn't like me and that she's sorry she's DH's mum .
No idea what to do from here - if I had known this is how they felt, I wouldn't have started my family thousands of miles from my own family and friends. I don't want to come back to the UK at this point particularly, but I do feel very alone and isolated. I have a relatively new bub, my first, who is very hard work although of course I've never loved anyone more in my life, life feels very relentless and this is just such a kick in the teeth. I am so and for DH as he is just so hurt. And I don't want to sound pfb, but I just can't understand why they don't want a relationship with DD, she is amazing - some rubbish about her grandparents not spending time with her - well sorry but that was a long time ago, how about moving on?! If she means that she doesn't know how to be a grandparent, then how about trying it and seeing how she goes? I've never been a mummy before, and I've just had to figure it out!!
I just wish that if they weren't interested, they had told us that years ago! There is a huge difference between I don't want to do regular childcare and I don't want to cuddle my GC! Is she crazy and toxic and we're better off without her in DD's life, or should we try and reason with her?
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far and if I have missed anything (unlikely :) ) let me know
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Relationships
Why doesn't my MIL love her GC (my DD)? - long, sorry
wellieboots · 15/02/2013 08:49
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