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Being touched sexually whilst asleep and worse please help

(83 Posts)
Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Wed 13-Feb-13 16:23:20

This has gone on for a while but has reached the point where I am frightened to sleep next to him
It has gone from a bit of groping to really nasty aggressive touching and the words spoken make me feel physically sick.

He says the most horrendous things to me.
He is definitely asleep so I don't know what to do but I am scared to go to sleep properly now

Any advice ?

madonnawhore Wed 13-Feb-13 17:47:27

But is he doing anything about it notso?

He should be. That's not really on to expect you to just have to put up with it.

If it was the other way round I bet he'd have you marched down to the GP after the first incident.

chaosagain Wed 13-Feb-13 17:56:22

I'm not sure that sleeping on the sofa is the answer here..

You're talking about 3 things: his vile, hurtful and frightening behaviour at night, an increasing disrespect for you during the daytime and new friends with whom he is straying into inappropriate and private territory. These things are not separate. Something has changed, as you say, and it's not clear what but these behaviours are all part of it so I'm not sure tackling the night time issue is the answer..

If it was only the vile night time behaviour and he really was asleep (I doubt it too), then I'm sure the minute you raise it he'll be horrified, embarrassed, desperate to sleep elsewhere to keep you safe and in a hurry to get help. But I think if you expected that reaction you'd have raised it before now..

It sounds like you might need to be prepared for anything and think about keeping yourself safe too. The kind of behaviour you're referring to sounds pretty scary...

BonzoDooDah Wed 13-Feb-13 18:11:52

This sounds very worrying and I'd be very nervous like you are. Another here thinking he sounds like he is awake and is testing you. And if he's not awake then he needs serious help if this behaviour is happening in his sleep as you just don't know what the next step of "sleep action" is. What if it is acting out one of the fetish films without the brake of an awake conscience?

Please talk to him and don't sleep with him close again until something changes. Good luck.

Also - I'd tell one of your real life friends about this - you don't have to say the (sexual) details but I really would let someone know what's happening.

OxfordBags Wed 13-Feb-13 19:19:27

My DH talks and acts out his dreams (gibberish, I might add) and there is an easy way to tell if he is really asleep, which is to suddenly pretend to poke him in the eyes or karate chop in the throat, or similar. If he really is asleep- which I totally doubt - he will instinctively do something to protect himself; flinch, put his hands up, something. If he is dreaming he won't really react or might listlessly swat at you.

I think it's bullshit that this couple introduced him to this fetish. It sounds like a teen's excuse. He's clearly got into something sick and violent and has made up some bullshit story to excuse how he really got into it (which will probably be him watching loads ofporn and getting into nastier and nastier stuff). He knows you'd hardly casually ask people if they were into whatever it is!

He is testing you, OP. He's seeing what he can get away with and pushing the boundaries every night. It will get worse and worse and worse.

Your relationship is over. This man is sick, dangerous and a rapist. The damage this will do to your child is immeasurable - a child always knows when there is a terrible atmosphere gling on and I bet if we delved deeper into your relationship, there'd be plenty of other abusive factors that you might not see are abusive.

OxfordBags Wed 13-Feb-13 19:20:24

Posted too soon - the vile behaviour in the day is emotional abuse. I bet nything he's got into some sick porn and it's warped his view of women and his 'ownership' of you.

Abitwobblynow Wed 13-Feb-13 20:55:56

he isn't asleep. Please please please record him. My phone is by my bed, can't you press the button when he starts?

PLEASE Notso (you are hidden behind a name after all) tell us what he says. 1. Naming things make them real and 2. you are NOT responsible for this. This is not your fault, and it is not a reflection on you.

Please talk to us. You don't feel frightened for nothing.

sassy34264 Wed 13-Feb-13 23:03:39

I've been on mumsnet now, for over 3 years. There's a helluva lot of run of the mill type bastards out there, but every now and again i read a proper sickening post that leaves me shocked; and this is one of them.

My 1st reaction would be to tell you, to tell him (during the day) that if it happens again you are going to poke him extremely hard in the eyes, if it happens again.

But that's getting him to behave himself with a threat. Do you really really want to be with someone, who will only treat you with love and respect, if you threaten him?

Please take this seriously and admit that he cares more about an orgasm than he does about you.

ChairmanWow Wed 13-Feb-13 23:15:40

Agree with much that has been said. It's weird and abusive.

If and it's a big if, this is genuine then is he not absolutely horrified that he has done this to you? Isn't he offering to do anything to try and make it stop? He is sexually assaulting you, most reasonable blokes would be extremely distressed that they were doing this in their sleep.

What about telling him that this needs sorting, and the only way to deal with it is to go to the GP and try to get a referral. Explain that you'll have to tell the GP how serious this is and discuss what he does to you so he can be given the appropriate treatment. Then see how willing he is to discuss his behaviour and have tests done to establish his sleep 'problem'.

But seriously, if at any point you're suspicious that he's not sleeping you need to understand this is abuse and you need to make yourself safe. Don't put up with this.

Jux Thu 14-Feb-13 00:08:53

He isn't asleep. If he were, he would have woken up in shock when you punched him. He was awake, and pretending, that's why he could roll over grunting.

Call WA. He is vile, and will end up doing a lot more than he is now. You need to make yourself safe.

catladycourtney1 Thu 14-Feb-13 00:40:17

There is a sleep disorder that causes people to do sexual things in their sleep and I suppose that could be a possible explanation - see here and here. However it is by no means common, and I think that the fact that your DH's behaviour while he is awake has changed too, and the fact that he doesn't appear remorseful or worried, should ring some alarm bells for you.

Are you absolutely sure he's asleep? I know a lot of people have said that if he was, he would have woken up when you punched him, but my DP snores something terrible and I can pretty much beat him and he'll just carry on. He talks in his sleep too, incidentally, completely random but clear as day.

Even if he is asleep, it's still completely unacceptable and you shouldn't be sleeping together until he has got it under control. It's not unheard of for people to commit rape or even murder in their sleep. And that's not to mention the simple fact that it's distressing for you and disrupting your sleep! And if he isn't even asleep, then you shouldn't be sleeping together for obvious reasons.

Good luck with this, however you choose to deal with it.

littlejo67 Thu 14-Feb-13 02:04:04

This is more common than you think. It maybe a sleep disorder called sexsomnia. It's like sleep walking. There is every chance he is sleeping. People can even shower and walk around asleep so I am sure he can say undesirable stuff and touch you. What happens in the day is also played out in people's dreams. Hence the fetish thing. Get him to go to the GP for a referral.

Some posters are to quick to judge him as being abusive. He he treats you well otherwise I would see it as something he has little control over. It's a pain for you as you keep getting woken up. I have known someone to have sex and only wake up on the runway to orgasm.

Abitwobblynow Thu 14-Feb-13 05:46:58

But he isn't, Little. He has 'changed lately'.

I remember when my H 'suddenly changed' - there was something massively wrong.

HecateWhoopass Thu 14-Feb-13 07:02:43

But he doesn't treat her well otherwise. She's described how he is when awake. not nice. And this behaviour has appeared out of nowhere at the same time as he has begun talking about fetishes and things when awake.

If he's got sexsomnia, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Smellslikecatspee Thu 14-Feb-13 08:21:17

Sexsomia is actually extremely rare is accompanied by a family history of sleep disorders such as sleep walking/talking and begins in childhood as sleepwalking talking.

This is a recent thing so by all the diagnostic criteria by the parasomia society, nope it's just a nasty piece of work who is being abusive.

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Thu 14-Feb-13 08:56:29

Just coming back to this to update you and thank you for the advice
I spoke to him last night and he was mortified and cried when I told him he had hurt me. He swears he had no recollection if it. Anyway, he is going to gp, is already on anti d's following months and months of severe stress
He says he won't sleep in the bed again and spent the night on the sofa with no heating or blanket
I just can't put the vile things he has said out of my mind - I don't understand how he could say them even if he was asleep

kalidanger Thu 14-Feb-13 09:01:22

That's not exactly a positive outcome sad Why didn't be make himself comfortable? To ensure to feel sorry for him and keep you on the back-foot and assuming this is somehow your fault and you have to carry on keeping quiet and keeping him sweet.

Wouldbefunnyifitwasnttrue Thu 14-Feb-13 09:28:03

Well we have no heating or spare blankets so not really possible

tribpot Thu 14-Feb-13 09:41:24

Right so you or he gets a cheapo duvet and some blankets today. All too easy to say 'well I spent one night in the cold to show I repented'.

Erimentha Thu 14-Feb-13 09:50:00

My husband has sexsomnia and when it first started I was terrified and didn't truly believe he could be asleep and do these things and that he didnt wake up when I was shouting and fighting him off. It is not a nice thing to live with, however if his behaviour towards you during the day has changed and its coincided with discussing differing sexual tastes then I would be highly sceptical. What I would say it comes down to is what is his reaction when you tell him what he has done? If he was really asleep and really cared for you he would be shocked, ashamed, taking himself to the GP to try and get it sorted out and trying to find a way to protect you from it. If he isn't and won't do aby of these things then do you really want to spend your life with someone who cares so little for you?

Erimentha Thu 14-Feb-13 09:54:54

Sorry I missed your last update. If he does have it, then what he is doing is entirely possible. It is a horrible thing to have to live with, but there is help out there which can improve things. I won't lie and say it makes everything fine again but it does make it easier. He does need help and to keep pushing for it, I know how far it can go and you don't want to end up there.

BonzoDooDah Thu 14-Feb-13 13:28:06

Oh good on you talking to him. And a reassuring reaction from him too. Are you (like I am) more inclined to believe him? Get a spare blanket / duvet today though so he can stay on the sofa until you feel safer.
Good luck.

musicismylife Thu 14-Feb-13 13:45:01

He most certainly is awake when he does this. He knows that if he was to try this shit in real life, you would run for the hills. He will then wait until you are in a semiconscious state and abuse you. He is doing this because it turns him on, plain and simple. I also wonder what sort of porn he is watching. Although I don't agree with it, I think you'll agree that there are different degrees of porn. It sounds like he is watching some derogatory shit and is then wanting to act out his fantasies on you.

No good will ever come out of this situation. If, for argument sake, he is genuinely asleep. Would you not be so mortified that you wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as your partner until you got help?

The other (and more likely) option is that he is awake and using you for his play-thing. Sick on so many levels. Yes, you have a child together. It does not mean that you need to put up with any of this. And what if you had visitors over and he started acting inappropriately, or worse still to your child.

I am not trying to scare-monger. I just want you to know that you really need to detach yourself from him before it gets any worse. If he wants to get help, fine. I wouldn't hold your breath.

mirry2 Thu 14-Feb-13 13:48:08

Wake him up as soon as he does it and tell him to stop

Betterbet Thu 14-Feb-13 13:59:54

I think this sounds believable, actually. SSRI antidepressants are known to cause sleep problems/ dream changes and a quick google of citalopram and sexsomnia showed a similar case written up in a medical journal. Could it be the antidepressants have caused this behaviour?

I do agree you need to keep an eye on the other behaviour though - esp the disrespect towards you. Have you talked to him about that?

Selba Thu 14-Feb-13 22:25:08

People are too quick to call "abuser!"
It is utterly possible he is asleep

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