I've been widowed 4 years. Started internet dating around a year later. Met DP online in September 2010 and dated for around 9 months. DP is a lovely, caring, man who had never married, no children, but had had a longish relationship of 12 years, which had run its course. DP is 4 years younger than me (late forties/early fifties). DP was ready to move on and after a month or two, declared his love for me and wanted to see me more and more. That was scary as I was enjoying dating, and socialising with friends, but not looking for anything too serious, and definitely not ready to have someone moving in and/or introducing them to my late husband's family. I did introduce DP to my children (in their 20s) and they adored him. My mum also met him (liked him too) and I was introduced to his parents and sister. All good so far. However, he wanted to move things on quicker than I did and he started planning holidays and wanting to come straight to my house from work and stay over. Eventually I said I needed space and we split up in June 2011.
We agreed to remain "friends" and for a while, we stayed in touch, but gradually the phone calls/texts got less and less. In December 2011, I sent him a "Happy Christmas" text and he responded by saying how good it was to hear from me. I replied that perhaps we could meet for lunch one day and it was arranged for after Christmas. We had a lovely lunch and I was surprised at how nice it was to see him again, he looked well and I immediately felt an attraction. However, he told me that he had met someone and that he was very happy. So I wished him all the best and said that I was happy for him.
However, a week or so later, he texted to say he would be in my area at the weekend so could he pop in. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon chatting. He told me about his girlfriend, apparently also an internet date and had met her literally days after our split. Three months into the relationship, he moved in with her, like him never married and no kids. He said that once we split, he just tried to put our relationship behind him and move on. Interestingly we had kept in touch for a few months after our split, but he hadn't mentioned the new girlfriend. Anyway, as the afternoon progressed, things got a little amorous and eventually had a snog (nothing more!), for which he apologised. However, after that, we met once a week and began a relationship again. He was still living with his girlfriend at this point, although it was obviously tearing him apart. He told me that she was a lovely lady, didn't deserve this, but that there was "issues" between them which made him think it would eventually split them up. I had to say that he would have to choose as obviously this was no good to either of us. I had never been the OW before and he had never two-timed anyone. He agonised for a couple of weeks and then DP and his girlfriend had a discussion where they both agreed that it wasn't working, that they were friends but didn't love each other. So, he packed his bags and returned to his house. This was a year ago now and our relationship has gone from strength to strength, (I've introduced him to all my family and he's moved into my house), apart from his insistence that the OW remains a friend and someone he cares about. In the early days, the OW was constantly phoning him and they met up from time to time. She apparently told him that "she would be a shoulder to cry when it all goes wrong, as she was convinced he'd made a terrible mistake". I'm not comfortable at all with this, but have had to accept that she's been "needy" and lonely and from time to time, wants support from him. Unfortunately, my DP really doesn't understand that I might not like this friendship and feel uncomfortable with it and I'm made out to be sulky if I complain. The OW also has a good relationship with DPs parents (her own have died), and still is in contact with them regularly. She does contact him slightly less now, but still once a week, which after a year seems a little excessive. I have never met the OW, so I suppose I feel envious that he has a female "friend" (one he was intimate with) that he speaks to regularly and I am not part of it. He reassures me that he has no feelings for OW and hasn't ever regretted leaving her, but she always seems to be in the shadows, either he speaks about her, or she's on the phone (usually they speak at work, since I got upset when she phoned once when I and the children were sitting there). She seems to phone for any reason she can think of and I can't help thinking that, even if he no longer has any feelings for her, she hasn't got over him and it's causing me to feel vulnerable and doubt his feelings towards me. I can't help comparing myself to what I know of her, that is, she's slimmer, 6 years younger, a career lady with a masters degree (though she's been unemployed for the last few months) and highly intelligent and I keep wondering why he chose me? He says he loves me totally (and I love him), but still the doubts remain.
Am I being silly and stupid?
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Relationships
Three in the relationship? Sorry, long
worcssauce · 12/02/2013 17:04
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