feeling guilty for posting but need for someone to listen. I have posted before about unrelated issues with DP, e.g. lack of house chores sharing and other 'trivial' stuff. We sort of managed to sort things out one way or another. But now I'm faced with a mountain of a problem (or so it feels).
DP was sexually abused as a teen. He told me this quite early in our relationship but having no such experience myself I just thought 'ok, shit happens, no big deal, I have my own issues so that's not a problem'. 4 years and a child later turns out it is a major problem.
We don't have sex. Ok, in all honesty it's happens once every 3 months or so so by definition it is a sexless relationship. We had it quite often when we just got together but around 4 months into it it started to vain. I was quietly wondering but didn't feel comfortable bringing it up. Then I felt pregnant so for over a year it wasn't an issue as I was pregnant, then tired all the time. Our son is now 3.5. And it's a major issue. It seems to be getting worse and worse with every day, I feel trapped between rock and a hard place. I/we want another child but it is just not happening, I don't want to leave him because quite a few aspects of this relationship are good - he is dead loyal to the family, regards me as his wife (eventhough we're not married; he suggested but I refused because the thought of it scares me), we can be close, he can be attentive and he listens to me and we can talk about anything, he is the first one to say sorry when we argue, he makes me laugh, he knows my deepest fears/issues and loves me nonetheless. We have comfortable life, our son is thriving.
Recently we had a few major rows re lack of sex. I went throught the whole scale of feelings - pretending this problem does not exist, then being viciously angry with him, then being calm and reasonable about it.
But it is a major frustration and I don't know how to deal with it or the feelings it brings up in me. I cannot sleep properly, I wake up and the thoughts about the whole thing hit me and I get angry, hate him, feel so low about myself, feel like crying, feel like waking him up and screeming in his face, feel like I should be more understanding, feel like a bitch because I'm so selfish and feel like I'm making a mountai of a molehill, I doubt myself... Turmoil.
I seem to be unable to sleep next to him, hearing him snore when I feel the whole of the above makes me stiff with... I don't know, probably hopelessness. So at the moment I'm downstairs on G&T and fags typing all this as I just cannot fathom how we will ever fix this mess.
We went to relate few month back but sexual abuse stuff was barely touched on (focused of household chores and affection) and then sessions ended (personal issues in counsellor's life hence we were dropped). DP is rather sceptical about counselling but I see it as a lifeline and been really pushing for him to go independently, sometimes perhaps rather insensitively. I feel that this might destroy us (and I told him so). I need a drink to make me sleep (blocks out the turmoil) and I started to smoke again, feel bad about myself. I feel so so so rejected. I have heard DP's story but it just doesn't help, I still feel so rejected like there's something inherently wrong with me which makes me not deserving normal relationship/love/affection/sex/somebody wanting ad adoring me.
This post is all about me. While I should be supportive and understanding, it is DP who went through stuff not me after all. Can't help feeling so so affected by it though, I had no idea this stuff had such a destructive impact on a much wider circle of people than one might think. I don't know where should I draw the courage and patience to support him when I myself feel like I will soon need antidepressants to help me sleep ad feel positive...
G&T is kicking in and I am having a little self pitying sob now, it's 3rd night I haven't been able to sleep properly, I think I need to find help for myself as I am so conflicted. What do I do? Is there a happy ending to this?...
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Relationships
DP's past sexual abuse ruining relationship
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TrippleBerryFairy · 10/02/2013 22:59
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