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Advice needed - OW problems resurfacing.

(125 Posts)
Lilly3000 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:35:33

My husband of 22 years had an emotional affair about a year ago. A woman friend (married without children) came to him and told him she was in love with him, had been forever. He / we were going through a difficult time with work, money shortages, his mother dying and general day-to-day shite. They had lots of things in common and she said that they were soul mates, destined to be together blah blah blah. She said she knew how to help him find happiness ( yoga teacher) and that her love was 'unconditional'. Like an idiot he got hooked on the escapism and flattery. It went on for a couple of months; clandestine meetings and a kiss. It all came to a crashing halt when I felt suspicious and listened to a message on his phone, telling him that her husband had found out and had asked her to leave. DH admitted what had been going on and I was absolutely devastated. He wrote to her severing all contact the next morning.

Since then has undergone a year of counselling, endless soul searching and as a result everything is much better between us now. He's even started going to church - bit weird for me as I don't go, but I can see it helps him. It has been a very, very rocky road but one that we've both tried very hard to steer a course on with the help of the brilliant Shirley Glass book. He's far from innocent is this but I do believe it was a strange period of madness that he regrets very much. We've managed to keep this from the children. So far so good.

That is until last week. They both work in the same street but he has managed to avoid any contact for 12 months. Last week she flipped in the street, shouting that he couldn't treat her like this and that she could make everything very difficult for him. She insisted her love had been 'unconditional' and had never meant to hurt anyone. This is in spite of her husband marching her to the park and showing her a family with young children, pointing out that this is what she was trying to break up. She said to DH that he 'must hate her to treat her this way'. Actually he's scared that if acknowledges her then I will be upset and we will take a step backwards. In order to calm her down he said that he didn't hate her but he had to go. She calm down immediately. He came back, got himself into a state about it and then told me. It's all feeling a bit bunny boiler. A friend of mine says she's nut and needs to be 'managed', i.e we need to stop ignoring her. This fills me with dread in case she tries a range of irritating spiritual hypocritical excuses to worm her way back into our lives. What do you think? By the way, I hate her with the fury of seven hells ;) but I know it's not good for me and I look forward to the day when she is a dim and distant memory.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:11:33

AnyFucker - I know it sounds weird, but she is, she really, really is. I think it was all to do with him not stealing precious moments to talk when she bumped into him in the dark and empty carpark last week. I wasn't there stopping him so I think it was a wake up call to think it was actually HIM who didn't want to talk to her, even after all this time.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:15:50

Believe it or not, I am on your side smile

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:18:44

Thanks wink

badinage Mon 11-Feb-13 12:20:44

No marriage is immune is it? Because there are two people in it and you can only keep a check on yourself and not the other person. We've been married for aeons and I never think we're immune especially when I've seen this happen to others. So I know what you mean and it must have been shattering. But it does sound like good's come of it and there's been a lot of rebuilding in the past year. I don't think it's odd that you've been vigilant either. Like you say, it would have been strange if you hadn't been.

What does he think is the best thing to do Lilly? Which is a different question to what he wants to do. Are you discussing this thread with him?

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:22:40

Just say for example that there had been meetings during that last 12 months. Why would he tell me about her outburst in the street? Or her saying hello to him in the dark and empty carpark? I wasn't there, he didn't have to tell me. It would have been a lot easier to have kept all this to himself.

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:25:54

Perhaps she threatened to give you information you are not already privy to ? He thought he'd make a pre-emptive strike and tell you some more guff about how crazy she is, and get his story in first ?

These would be my thoughts.

badinage Mon 11-Feb-13 12:26:54

Because she seemed more volatile and unpredictable this time and he feared a shitstorm and though he ought to warn you?

Because he's been trying to 'manage' her and she's realised this and won't go quietly?

Or because he's telling the truth and he really hasn't seen her for 12 months, but it would be odd if that was the case for her to complain that he couldn't 'treat her like this' if that was old news.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:27:09

Badinage - lol no, I'm not discussing it with him, which is deceitful on my part I suppose. I needed to try and get it straight in my head so thought that asking for advice from people who may have had similar experiences would help. I think it has. He's not sure what the best thing to do is. Should he reawaken the whole thing by discussing it openly with her or should he just hope she goes away? He WANTS to go and hide in a hole smile

izzyizin Mon 11-Feb-13 12:28:41

IMO human life is a tragi-comedy bandinage. If we didn't have the courage to laugh in the face of adversity, or the ability to take the piss out of the absurd, the ridiculous, the sublime, and the egocentric posturings which can accompany these conditions, this world would be the unrelieved vale of tears some claim it to be

FWIW, this is a public board which allows all/any of the varied views held by members of the broad church that is mumsnet to be freely expressed here and, as OPs are free to disregard any responses that do or have meaning or resonance for them, diiffering philosophies and writing styles are not worthy of comment.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:30:10

He didn't say she was crazy, I've managed to draw that conclusion myself. Grabbing someone in the street and shouting at them because they looked at the pavement and not in your eye counts as crazy in my book. I think maybe she thinks what she did was not so bad and we should be over it by now.

badinage Mon 11-Feb-13 12:39:03

I don't think you were engaging with the OP to laugh with her Izzyizin. I think you were hoping that other posters would join you in laughing at the poster and her husband. That's the difference. Lilly told you last night that your joking wasn't helping her, so I can only assume you're writing for a different audience and not the OP.

Lilly I think wanting to hide away is his default, but he needs to face this if he's going to regain some of your respect, I'd have thought.

izzyizin Mon 11-Feb-13 12:42:01

As the one most directly affected by his enounter with the ow, how does your h propose to deal with it should it occur again?

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:42:41

When he finished it he offered no explanation other than he needed to protect his family and there was to be no more contact. Bang. Brutal. Humiliating I imagine. She badgered him a few times to 'open up and talk' but he ignored her completely for fear of me finding out and reading more into it. She thought they were friends, and hoped for more but he shut the door in her face. Not kind but necessary at the time.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:44:26

As I said Izzi, he's been rehearsing his " I love my wife" speech. The question is whether he should take it to her or wait for the next outburst.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:47:31

Badinage thank you for the defence, I'm not used to it as I'm normally the one doing the defending. It's nice smile

AnyFucker Mon 11-Feb-13 12:50:22

Lilly, I think you should stop "defending" and start looking at your weak husband with more realistic eyes.

This is his fuck up. Stop doing his thinking for him.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:56:56

I had a feeling my last comment would provoke that reaction. What I mean is that I'm the first one to plough in and tell the teenager to get off the swing so the little kid can have a go, or the first one to step in if someone is picking on someone else. I agree completely that he has to do his own thinking, but it's hard not to want to step in and help when he's like a rabbit in headlights. I never said he wasn't a coward when it came to women.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:00:13

I used to say he was weak and I didn't understand why he didn't man up. She told him he just hadn't met the right woman. That worked brilliantly for me. Not.

izzyizin Mon 11-Feb-13 13:15:49

'Defence' is markedly different to 'derailing'.

If the ow were to encroach on your territory by, for example, coming to or lurking outside your home for no legitimate purpose, Lilly, she could be accused of harassment.

However, providing she doesn't make a habit of it to the extent that it can be regarded as stalking and that there is no real or implied threat in her words, she's free to say what she wants to your h in a public or private place.

Given that you live in a small town it's something of a wonder that all/any of the parties concerned haven't encountered each other on the highways and byways in the past year.

As this is the first occasion in 12 months that your h and the ow have come face to face, I can't see that any advantage can be gained from taking the fight to the allegedly vanquished enemy, so to speak.

It seems to me that placing too much importance on this accidental encounter has the potential to cause consequences which may be as undesirable for many as they could be humiliating for a few.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:10:23

Have just spoken to DH and explained that I need him to handle the situation 'robustly' and that I don't feel the need to be involved unless he really wants me to be. He said he wasted to do that. We talked about if the children found out and both agreed that it was only a big problem if we didn't try to work it out. We have gone to great pains to ensure that our children have a contended life, but that probably means they'll be secure enough to take the rough with the smooth. Thank you to everyone on here who's helped me/ us to get this clear. I feel much better smile x

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:10:52

wasted wanted

hollolew2 Mon 11-Feb-13 14:58:29

unfortunately it's your husbands fault. the minute you let someone else in there is bound to be trouble. My exh had an affair 11 years ago part of his mid life crisis they hung around in the same 'cocaine crowd' when I found out he finished it with her never went back but she's never left either of us alone.
I cut ties with old friends of mine to stay away from her madness. she even sent her son to the same prep school as mine even though it's an hour drive away. I caught her outside my house last month ( she must have thought I was at work). she's bloody obsessed! I've lost count of the times her husband has given me dirty looks and followed me around the school playing fields like as if I had an affair with her ( sorry too fussy). she asks people about me all the time.she tells them she's scared of me! well fuck off back to your part of London I never go to and stop hanging around ! i've asked her what shes doing a couple of times and she says its a free country she can do what she likes hmm ok my office is in the city ,you don't work and you live an hour away why are you outside or around the corner every other week?
I worried about it when the kids were little now there grown up doing their own thing and not around a P.C friend of mine says its not enough for a stalking charge so i just ignore her.i text me exh saying your mates here every time i see her( it gives me satisfaction!).
it's a certain type of woman they see it as a game or competition and they are mad! he has to tell her in no uncertain terms to bugger off but thats never stopped my one ! good luck loks like you may need it.

Lilly3000 Mon 11-Feb-13 16:18:58

hollow thats really awful! And you're not even together any more? Why isn't she harassing him? Is her problem with you? Crazy is as crazy does I suppose.

Bedtime1 Tue 12-Feb-13 05:44:37

I don't want to be mean but something doesn't sit right here. My thoughts have been similar to Anyfucker.

Why after 12 months is she having a go? I think he's been leading her on and has lied about not being in contact with her to you. That's why she said those word too him. It's better to know the truth than live a lie, no matter how painful it may be. You've said yourself he's a weak man.

anonacfr Tue 12-Feb-13 11:47:58

I know. It is rather odd- if you live in such a small and they work in the same street is there really any way they could have avoided each other for a whole year?
I agree with AF and Bedtime. Are you sure you've heard the whole story?

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