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In asking for help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude (may be long)

(188 Posts)
pingu2209 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:13:22

This sounds really pathetic but I would really appreciate some help in writing a letter to my dh re his attitude towards me and housework.

DH is really annoid at me about the state of the house and the amount of washing that has not been put away. However, he does't help me AT ALL in the house, he just moans and moans at what I haven't done. I can't speak to him about it as he is so angry and he goads me as I am talking to him. I want to write him a letter that he can read it again and my side of the story sinks in.

So many of you write excellent responses to posts on here, that I believe you could come with some great scentences and lines that I can use in my letter to DH.

My DH works full time in the City and commutes for 1 hour 20 mins each way. He has a stressful job and earns a good wage. I am a dinner lady working 5 days a week, 9 till 3 in the village we live in. I walk a mile each way every day, have little stress but it is an active job for 5 hours a day (plus my walk).

His salary pays for the mortgage, cars, utilities, food, clothes. My salary (£540/month) pays for the luxuries such as the children's after school and weekend activities, take aways, cinema trips, babysitters etc.

Before and after school I look after our 3 children, aged 5, 7 and 9. The 9 year old has SEN and has major temper tantrums regularly. Mon, Tues and Wed I have a full schedule of after school activities and either a Thurs or Fri we have a play date.

On a Saturday my dh takes DS2 to football for an hour in the morning, whilst I take DS1 and DD to swimming. Swimming is 1 1/2 hours (lesson followed by a swim club), DD doesn't swim so I have to keep her entertained for the 90 mins.

On a Sunday morning both boys play rugby for 2 hours. All of us go as DH feels it is 'family time' where 1 parent watches 1 boy and the other parent watches the other boy - and looks after DD.

After football and rugby I cook a meal for the 5 of us for lunch, do washing of clothes, shopping and tidy the kitchen. DH likes a roast on a Sunday too. I then look after DS2 and DD for the afternoon by taking them to the park, doing arts and crafts with them and doing their homework with them. Once that is done I start all over again on cooking dinner for the 5 of us.

DH is tired all the time and his way of relaxing is to sit in front of the TV. DS1 would easily sit with him and watch TV for hours on end. But DS2 and DD won't do that so whilst he is 'looking after DS1' I am trying to keep DS2 and DD entertained. But that is the 'harder' job. DH WONT not watch TV as he says it is his only time to relax after his extremely hard job.

DH does nothing. No washing, no cleaning, no cooking, no tidying of the kitchen, no shopping, no housework at all. He doesn't even put the bins out. He will eat a meal and leave all his dirty plates on the dining table and walks out of the room to the TV, expecting me to clear everything away.

All of this I do not mind, I would put up with all of it, have done for 16 years! What I can't stand is that DH gets into the greatest of bad moods because the house is messy with the biggest issue of all being that although there are clean clothes, they are not put away in the wardrobes and drawers. They are in a massive pile on the landing. We have to riffle through them each day to find what we need to wear.

I HATE putting the washing away. Every now and then I will sort it into 5 piles and each person has to put their own clothes away. The children hate doing it, but as I do everything else I really don't think it is too much to ask. However, DH COMPLAINS that he has to put his own clothes away too!!!!

I'm not saying I don't have time to rest and relax, I have about 1/2 hour in the mornings and about 90 mins on a Thurs and Fri evening. I spend my R&R drinking coffee and sitting in front of my computer on Facebook or Mumsnet! But I am allowed some time to myself surely.

DH is all pissy because he can't find the boys' rugby gear for tomorrow morning. Yes it is a nightmare going through Ben Nevis of clothes, but he does nothing so I don't think he has the right to complain.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable generally? Would you help with some lines that I can use in my letter?

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 23:09:47

dh likes a roast on a Sunday does he indeed?

And why the hell are you cooking again after a roasts if we have Sunday lunch then it's boiled eggs for tea.

Yfronts Sat 09-Feb-13 23:10:07

OK so to help him along, you need to with immedicate effect

1 stop ironing his shirt
2 Stop putting the bins out and recycling
3 Leave his plate on the table
4 Stop emptying the dishwasher at weekends
5 Hide the TV

pingu2209 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:16:00

He really won't understand my view on this. He really can't see what is wrong in his behaviour. It will end up in the biggest row going.

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 23:17:45

FFS, does he think he lives in a fucking hotel with concierge services and is dining in a restaurant every night?

You stay up to iron a shirt for him? He leaves the table like you're a waitress?

Just no.

And he's tight with money?

expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 23:19:29

'He really won't understand my view on this. He really can't see what is wrong in his behaviour. It will end up in the biggest row going.'

Then don't do it! Leave his fucking plate at his seat and he can stack another one on top of it.

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 23:22:08

So what pingu? Let him row. Tell him calmly and once that you will not be doing these things anymore as you have realised you are doing more than your fair share and the fact that he expects you to do everything for him. Point out that he'd be doing these things himself if he didn't have you.
Then just stick to it like glue. Let him rant away.
The bit about him liking to pick his shirt and getting you to iron it is very telling. It makes him Sound like a pompous self entitled prick of the highest order. Ask him why he feels it is your job to iron something which he wants to wear. Seriously ask him and see what he says.

SamSmalaidh Sat 09-Feb-13 23:22:12

He treats you like shit and doesn't see a problem with his behaviour... I'd ask myself if he's worth having around. What does he bring to your life?

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 23:23:46

I think I'm going now as this thread has made me feel as if I will implode with rage.

redbobblehat Sat 09-Feb-13 23:24:31

only letter i'd be sending would be from a solicitor divorcing the lazy swine

op you deserve a partner, do you really want to be with this person?

Wants4 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:27:30

Pingu - so sorry I thought I read you had a cleaner - getting over migraine.
Also did not put my point across very well. What I meant was you are all in the house evenings, weekends. Why are you doing it all? Children well capable of picking up things, putting clothes in wash, tidying playroom. You are not there on your own iyswim to be cleaning etc. DH is an adult?
Under no circumstances would I be entertaining children, cooking cleaning etc while DH watched tv.
But I am a very vocal bitch dragon.

manicbmc Sat 09-Feb-13 23:27:32

Get rid, OP. Then you'll just have 3 children to run around after, instead of 4. And you won't care if things are done. And he will have to have the children every other weekend so you can have a proper rest.

It sounds like you need one.

Crocodilio Sat 09-Feb-13 23:27:45

Then tell him to fuck off, and mean it. Your life would be easier without him in it.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 09-Feb-13 23:30:02

You don't have 3 DC you have 4 sad

ledkr Sat 09-Feb-13 23:30:50

Op before I go let me say this. I faced death many years ago. I actually thought if die. I'd had a short but happy life with no regrets,lots if fun and time to myself and some great memories.
Life us just too short to it yourself through this.
Don't sacrifice your memories waiting on a fellow adult and being tired and put upon.
Seize the moment and make some changes.
If he still wants a servant let him find one.

redbobblehat Sat 09-Feb-13 23:59:35

also just imagine how much he would have to do, in how own place, he would have to do everything lol
that would serve him right

notnagging Sun 10-Feb-13 00:00:23

Op this was me a few months ago & I realised if I didn't make changes I was going to have a breakdown. I have 5 ds & my dh who works long hours. I decided I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. The problem is if you have been together for 16 yrs & doing everything it takes time & retraining to get people to see your point of view. Now the kids have a rota, I don't do dh's washing or ironing. I don't do as much washing as u. Everyone gets one load & they have a dryer in their rooms. If I did everyone's washing altogether that would drive me nuts too. I don't think you have to leave the bastard. You know your dh best. Write him a letter & explain his you feel. Good luck op

whois Sun 10-Feb-13 00:14:35

To all of you calling him a lazy sod....do you commute for 3 hours a day,do a full days work and spend your weekends at your kids activities?Do you honestly feel like doing housework too???

No, but when I'm in a 'busy' phase and at work until 2am I still manage to put my breakfast dish in the dishwasher at home. Admittedly I don't do much else until the weekend.

pingu I like the sound of your husband less with every post, the shirt thing is horrible and demonstrates a total lack of regard for you. Would be fantastic if you could stop that and get him to do it himself or use a service! I don't have any advice to try and make him see how U he is being :-( You sound v nice!

AThingInYourLife Sun 10-Feb-13 00:30:33

Dear Recommended Family Lawyer,

I need to divorce my lazy, disrespectful pig of a husband for unreasonable behaviour.

I need someone who can represent my interests and make sure I leave my miserable marriage with a decent settlement.

Yours etc.,

pingu

How does that grab you?

Iaintdunnuffink Sun 10-Feb-13 00:50:13

Wow, the only note I would leave him would be "who the fuck do you think you are?" I once asked my husband that for much, much, much less.

My Dad used to work long hours and spent lots of time travelling for work. I was brought up in a house where it didn't matter if you had just got off a plane, had exams the next day, hadn't done anything important, if you ate you helped clear up. You picked up after yourself and chipped in with cooking. I've had my own battles with my husband, he got worse when I went back to work! But I could never imagine living in a house where someone eats then regularly doesn't help tidy up, or is happy to sit there while someone irons their clothes.

Do you think he really recognizes your job as work? Of course it's only part time so you can just fit in everything else.

Iaintdunnuffink Sun 10-Feb-13 00:54:58

I used to commute more than 3 hours a day, do a full days work, be on call 1 week in 3. Then still managed to clean, wash, cook, buy presents, go out with friends, be pleasant and helpful person. I must have been fucking amazing or had special time bending powers

StuntGirl Sun 10-Feb-13 01:25:29

Have I accidentally clicked on stepfordnet? Why is everyone reinforcing what her shitty husband is doing? "No pingu you're not quite the perfect little housewife - iron and fold your laundry like your master husband demands, there's a good girl".

Firstly the nightly ironing - FUCK THAT. He wants a shirt ironing? He can manage to work that complicated piece of machinery The Iron I'm sure. Non negotiable.

Secondly the treating you like a waitress - FUCK THAT TOO. After dinner he helps clear the dinner table and wash up/load the dishwasher. Non negotiable.

The criticisms of your standards? He can help or he can get to fuck. Seriously.

Or you can go on living this one sided relationship weird master/servant dynamic. It's up to you.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 10-Feb-13 01:32:06

Perhaps I was to hasty in my suggested letter,due to further info I have revised it a little.

Dear husband

Grow the fuck up,I am not your mother nor am I your cleaner however if you do not buck up your ideas I will become one of your creditors.

Clean up after yourself, learn some decency and how to work the iron and whilst your at it try to avoid being so vile.

Should you decide to ignore this request please deposit 20% of your total monthly income before bills, into my bank account by the 6th of every month and you will find the rooms to let pages in the local paper available for purchase at any good newsagents.

Love wife

TheMagicMumber Sun 10-Feb-13 02:04:43

Hmm, city banker, tight with money, controlling at home. What a horrible stereotype your husband is. He sounds like a dick.

Do get a cleaner. Don't ask, just get one. You earn too. It's not his money.

Our cleaner does washing and putting away. And ironing. It's brilliant.

Pingu - I agree that your post on 09 feb 20:55 is the right approach. What you are asking of him is more than reasonable and recognises that he works long hours and is not expected to pull his weight 50;50 but that you both deserve down time and that this is what's needed to achieve that and make you a happy family.

Stand your ground, it's non negotiable - good luck!

peggyblackett Sun 10-Feb-13 07:08:27

OMG this is an eye opener. Fark me, are we still living in the 1950s?!

Tell your DH and kids to get a grip and help out.

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