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Is he depressed, jekyll and hyde - or just an arse?!

(93 Posts)
Sc00byD0 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:08:57

Apologies in advance if this is long.

Background: together since we were 19/20, married 20 years, 2 DCs 12 and 9. Both early 40s now. I work FT in a job I love, on a good salary. He has his own business which has been very up and down, and over the past 2-3 years more down than up. He works alone mainly.

He constantly puts me down. He resents my job; every argument we have seems to come back to my job "taking over". I do work often long hours, have to stay away the occasional night, sometimes catch up on stuff in the evening etc. But my salary is important as his income fluctuates. he is rude and abusive about my (female) boss, she is the "manc bitch" (she's not even from manchester, and he has met he about 4 or 5 times in 8 years). He constantly brings up the past - I'm far from proud of this, but I had a ONS not long after we married, and even now, nearly 20 years on, he still brings it up and basically blames me for all our problems. I thought we had moved on from that - afterwards I went through loads of shit with him (a lot of drunken behaviour, he broke my wrist, phoned prostitutes when pissed), but thought we had got over it, went onto have the kids etc. All was good until the last 3-4 years.

I am constantly accused of depriving him of sex. Depsite the fact I am "useless in bed", "just lie there", "never give me oral", he expects sex everytime we got to bed at the same time. The other night I was really tired and said no. He went into a complete childish sulk and proceeded to bad mouth me for the best part of 30 mins. This happens quite often and I end up giving in. Then he moans because I'm crap in bed.

He regularly bad mouths my parents which he knows winds me up. They are pretentious, ignorant and thick apparently. In the last few weeks I have been called an idiot, an imbecile and unclean.

Every evening he goes to the pub after work "for the company because you are so unsociable and don't talk to me". I just have nothing to say. He never asks me how I am, how my day was, if I talk about how I am feeling he immediately turns it around to him. He also says he goes to the pub because he spends all day "in the cell" - meaning his office, where he works alone, and gets company at the pub. He has 3-4 pints every evening, comes home about 7.30/8 - by which time the kids are dealt with and in bed - I've done homework / tea / bath / wind down time. Sometimes he comes home late after drinking much more, and that's awful.

I suspect some of this is down to stress because of the business, also my FIL died late last year after being diagnosed terminally ill early last year, so that has been stressful too, of course.

I don't help the situation - I do clam up when he's at home, I can't look him in the eye, I often will walk away if he starts on me, which winds him up even more. Or when he starts on one, I can't just sit there and take it and I argue back.

He can be nice. It's just the two personalities are hard to deal with - not knowing what sort of mood he will be in when he comes home, what his day has been like, whether anyone who owes the business has paid (if they haven't, it's hell), if I'm late its a nightmare etc. He does help with the kids if I am away early or finishing late, but often reluctantly.

This all sounds bad doesn't it?

RandomMess Sat 09-Feb-13 19:11:26

Sounds awful sad sounds like you are incredibly over grateful for the few times he is being reasonable sad

deste Sat 09-Feb-13 19:17:01

If a friend told you this about her marriage what advice would you give her?

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 19:18:09

Worse than an arse.
Abusive.

LTB and don't look back.

Seriously.

He has no reason for what he does. Nor his business (which maybe is down because he's an arse with customers too), nor his dad dying.

Of course, you argue back, and of course you walk away. And of course you clam up.
Those are normal and healthy responses to verbally abusive people.

The healthiest thing for you to do is to free yourself from this life.

Sc00byD0 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:22:45

deste - I would tell her to get the hell out!

I just feel bad for the kids - they've done nothing wrong, but they hear a lot of the crap thats thrown both ways (if I don't walk away, my arguing back is not pleasant, but I can't stand being called names or having people I know called names). When I have said (several times) I want to separate, I get 'the kids can't come from a broken home' line.

Last summer things were so bad, and I was feeling so low, I went to see a counsellor, who was fab, rational, and just someone to cry with. No-one else knows what I am going through, they see what they think they see on the outside. She made me see my job is my lifeline - the one thing I am bloody good at, which does make me happy, gives me freedom to be me.

Although apparently I always look 'fucking miserable' when I go out in the village.

random - I wouldn't say grateful, its just when he is nice I probably just feel relieved? If that makes sense.

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 19:24:04

Oh, by the way, he sounds like my ex, who supposedly had depression and social anxiety.
He would bad mouth my parents, say I was stupid (a PhD, a good job and he actually asked me to sort out things for him), and expected sex on his whim and complained about it too.

Eventually he turned physically violent.
And you have already had a broken wrist by him. Even being in the past, it's there and it is likely to happen again.

TeenyW123 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:25:42

I suggest you read the "My ex is a prick" thread. You may recognise your husband in a fair few threads.

Teeny

Sc00byD0 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:27:39

sorry Lueji, took me ages to type the last post so missed yours. I'm trying to sort the kids out as he's at the pub!

He's an only child, and I am sure that doesn't help (sorry to any only children, its just my thought) - the dad situation means it does all fall on him (me) to deal with a grieving MIL, paperwork, etc. But this has been bad long since FIL became ill.

I suppose I also feel I have failed somehow.

Hissy Sat 09-Feb-13 19:27:45

Listen to Lueji!

There will now follow a complete thread that will tell you he's abusive and you need to leave.

These posts are all correct, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change your soon-to-be-ExH.

It will only get worse. You have to get him out of your life ASAP.

We all want them NOT be abusive, but they are and we can't change that.

Write him off as the bad deal he is.

Hissy Sat 09-Feb-13 19:29:22

There's only 1 failure in your relationship, and it's most certainly NOT you!

jelliebelly Sat 09-Feb-13 19:30:35

From reading your post I would say just a arse...

Sc00byD0 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:31:02

The wrist thing - in his defence (i know!) - I had broken it at work in a genuine accident a few weeks before, and it was still weak as they think in hindsight I came out of plaster too quick. He grabbed me by the wrist as we were arguing about the ONS again (it was only about 6-12 months after that). He hasnt shown any signs of violence since, although has raised his fist on occasion, and I have goaded him by telling him to go ahead. But he hasn't.

Today he was in an arsey mood as I was late home with our DS this morning from his activity, by which time H had 'done all the housework in this dump with no help at all".

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 19:31:43

The fact is that your life and the kids' will be better without such a negative factor constantly in your lives.

You can find all the excuses you want (or he wants), but the fact is that he is abusing you.

My ex had 3 brothers, a seemingly normal family life, no major events that could justify any of his behaviour.
But I felt sorry for him and supported him throughout his "illness".

Hatpin Sat 09-Feb-13 19:31:49

When he says "the kids can't come from a broken home" he means " if Sc00by kicks me out people are going to find out I'm an arse"

Which he is.

peeriebear Sat 09-Feb-13 19:32:57

Your DCs will probably do a dance for joy when you finally LTB. They're already IN a broken home.

Mumsyblouse Sat 09-Feb-13 19:34:03

The good thing here is that you have everything going for you, including a great career and a good relationship having been the primary carer. The bad thing (from his point of view) is that you have woken up and realised you don't have to live like this. He sounds absolutely awful and I'm sorry but I don't think coming from a broken home is worse than listening to the names he calls you and the way he treats you. I would restart counselling to give you the strength to go forward, I think in all honesty is that what you want.

Branleuse Sat 09-Feb-13 19:34:40

id say being an arse was actually being nice. He sounds like a total wanker

ltb

This is emotional abuse.

People always seem to think abuse leaves bruises, cuts and scars... But it sounds to me like you're walking on eggshells and he's making you feel small. What an arse.

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 19:36:17

He hasn't shown any signs of violence since, although has raised his fist on occasion,
He has shown signs of violence. That is violence.
One day, he will hit you. I expect particularly when you are about to leave and he feels he's losing whatever degree of control he has over you.

And you are minimizing the wrist thing. He must have grabbed it hard enough.

seeker Sat 09-Feb-13 19:39:28

He has shown signs of violence. He has grabbed you by a wrist he knew was injured. He has a raised his fists to you more than one.

Leave. Now.

Sc00byD0 Sat 09-Feb-13 19:39:59

(tears)
I know you are all right. I do permanently feel like I am walking on eggshells as I dread coming home / him coming home because I don't know what mood he will be in.

When I am on a later finish at work (my job is not always in an office, I travel a bit) - he asks what time I am coming home and I always say the answer he wants to hear, which is wrong because then when I'm late its a nightmare.

I have told him he is emotionally abusive before. It gets me nowhere.

I'm weak but want to be strong.

OverlyYappyAlways Sat 09-Feb-13 19:41:50

He sounds vile. He is abusive, please do not fall for the 'parents staying together for the dc' line as it is doesn't apply when abuse is in a realtionship.

The DC should be removed from having to live with it.

I stayed with my abusive ex for too many years blaming illness, work, deaths, stress, anything and now my DC have to go for counselling as one only knows violence and the other is just very anxious all the time. My eldest is 12, he said had I not left his Dad he wold have 'ran away from home by now'.

He is not really there anyway is he ? If he is at the pub when they are awake our doing the single parent thing already, you just have a husband acting like an added child, I was the same, it's bliss without him, no more waiting to judge those moods and walk on glass!

We also tried counselling, I was a nice for a year, out of 16.

OverlyYappyAlways Sat 09-Feb-13 19:42:44

*it was nice

OverlyYappyAlways Sat 09-Feb-13 19:42:45

*it was nice

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 19:45:02

You have been incredibly strong to put up with it for so long actually. smile

And I suspect that you only need to put your mind to it to leave him. Do be careful, though.

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