It's probably my fault too.
Sorry, this is going to be long...
I've been ill, physically and mentally (ok, I know that's not my fault) but it has been really hard on my DH. We went to counselling together which was brilliant for me, I really did face up to my past and deal with my hurts and childhood trauma. It was the first time I had ever had a counsellor who could get right to the point and help me actually get my feelings out. I thought it was good for DH, too, because he was able to stop being a 'carer' and have his say about how he felt. The trouble is, since then, he hasn't stopped saying how he feels, and it is a lot of moaning!
I have really recovered from a lot of my past, I'm feeling a lot stronger mentally and physically, and I'm starting to take stock of my life and try to find something worthwhile to do with it. I've restarted studying for a degree (which I had given up on 13 years ago) and thinking about trying to get some sort of career (something which would have been unthinkable just a year ago). He is really pleased that I am so much better, and supportive of my studying (up to a point) but he says that my "behaviour towards him hasn't changed". Before I was depressed and would retreat into my own world. Now I am "always" going off to my "happy place" and am still "absent". I am trying to listen to him and give him as much attention as he seems to need, but it is like he objects if I want to do ANYTHING by myself (like read a book, or talk to a friend on facebook) when he is in the house.
I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I feel as if I am having to watch myself all the time and conform to his needs. Am I just totally selfish and wrapped up in my own world, or is he expecting more of me than I am able to give? It's not as if he is romancing me or paying me much attention. Most of the time it is me asking him for sex (he seems to prefer his own company there!) He seems to me to be really emotionally needy, and likes to really talk about things with a lot of detail, whereas I am passionate, fairly bonkers, but also really need my own space, and find too much discussion of feelings a bit tedeous... I feel like he would really be much happier with someone a bit more like his mum (lovely woman, very nursy caring type) and that I can not be the person that he wants me to be. I think I am actually a bit aspie because I often completely fail to pick up stuff that he thinks should be obveous. Aparently I often speak with the 'wrong tone of voice', and he reacts to the emotion that he thinks I am expressing, leaving me bewildered, thinking "what did I say"?!
But, we have two small children, and if i leave everyone will be utterly horrified with me. I don't have anywhere to go, anyway. So do I just keep going and see if he can learn to accept me as I am, or run now, before things go bad? I still love him, but I don't think I was ever really 'in love'. I had been very hurt by a total epic disaster (fell head over heels total fruit loopy obsession for a good friend who not surprisingly ran for the hills) and was so happy to find someone who loved me and i was really too scared to let myself fall 'in love' until we were actually married. It has been really nice, but never mad passionate crazy feelings, but then I never thought those lasted anyway, and I was afraid to let myself feel like that.
Part of me thinks I should probably never have married him in the first place, but then I think about how unhappy I was being single and how messed up I was, and he has really helped me.
But he is also very angry (partly i think because of my illness) and very bad at dealing with stress. I really don't like how he gets so cross with the children, and how he sometimes can be very bossy and rude to me, almost treating me like a child. Ok, so I was a bit of a child, but I feel so much older now, and it really gets to me.
All this has been rumbling on for the last six months at least (some of it for the whole marriage (7 years)) andnow the final straw, I recently noticed that I was developing feelings for someone else... Oh FUCK... I feel like I have utterly betrayed DH, even though I have not done anything except avoid this other person, but I can't seem to ignore these feelings.
Sorry that is a bloody novel, but at least you can't accuse me of drip feeding!
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i think my marriage is going to fail
6 replies
xeno · 08/02/2013 21:14
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