I was married for 13 years, 2 lovely DD's. My exH was an extremely emotionally abusive man and for a long time I just didn't see it and spent my life desperately trying to keep the peace, in lots of ways alienating myself from my family who were always offering support. I finally plucked up the courage to end the marriage 2 years ago. I've had extensive counselling to work out why my self esteem was so completely low and why I stayed for so very long knowing I was so unhappy. I really do feel that I have changed, yet when it comes to exH it's so much harder.
Most of the arguments now are to do with his contact with our DD's. He'll go for a few weeks chopping and changing the plans to accomodate his social life, and then go another few weeks claiming he is father of the year. It's really just like when we were married, I never know quite what to expect and never know how his mood is going to be. As time has gone on I have slowly become stronger and try to be more forward about keeping contact to the agreed plan. He doesn't have any great desire to see the children, I really do think that most of the time it's because he "has rights" as he frequently tells me. He just wants to be able to tell people he gets all the contact he wants but then doesn't actually want to fulfill it. It's now the only way he can still have some control over me.
He's a bully, pure and simple. It's always his way or an argument. I know now that no matter what I do, I can't get him to be reasonable, he never will be, I can only look after my own emotions.
Therein lies the problem. I'm still just scared of him. Not physically, he never hit me, but I'm emotionally scared of him, if you see. Scared of not being able to cope with more of the things he will throw at me because I had the audacity to rebel and divorce him. He has caused a massive amount of upset this week really just for the sake of it. I have barely eaten or slept this week worrying about how things will progress, whether he really will take me to court, whether I'll have enough money for the mediation (I have to pay, he gets legal aid as he doesn't work), whether the children are going to be upset. I just don't want them to be subjected to the abuse that I was, it's ever so subtle at times and it knocks all the confidence from you.
Does the fear, that sick feeling in your stomach ever go away when you're dealing with them when they are having one of their "episodes". I try as much to detach myself from him, keep things to e-mail, he's not allowed to text me as he's so nasty, minimal talk, if any, at handovers yet, I'm still just floored when he starts being nasty. His nastiness can go on for weeks, and then just as quick as it started he'll be fine again.
Sorry it's so long, just needed to get it off my chest really. Fear can be quite a lonely place.
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I'm still scared of him even now, does the fear ever go away
16 replies
Freeyourmind · 08/02/2013 21:05
OP posts:
TisILeclerc ·
08/02/2013 22:07
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