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I've just found out my husband has had an affair

(79 Posts)
kimberly111 Tue 05-Feb-13 03:14:02

I found out today (through a letter in the post) that my husband had an affair last year. To cut a very long story very short, he firstly admitted to one sexual encounter with her, which so far through the evening and mounted up to three. He says he stopped seeing here last october, and he wants to make our marriage work, but I don't know what to think

Charbon Thu 07-Feb-13 16:21:55

Kimberley this is why it is good advice to get some separation and breathing space, because seeing the person you love in such turmoil messes with your head and stops you focusing on your own battles. You see, what you are seeing now is not genuine sorrow or contrition, although it might look like it. What you are actually seeing is self-pity and self-absorption.

Hard as it must be to see the wood for the trees at the moment, try to think logically. If this affair ended in October and he'd regretted it and the harm it had done, you would have seen that in his actions and in his words. If in December when he was informed that he was subject to a disciplinary, the enormity of his actions would have hit home then, especially if the affair was done and dusted. There would have been enormous guilt and regret for a) having the affair and b) jeopardising your home.

What did he do instead at that point in December?

He told you what was actually in his head. That his feelings for you had changed and he wasn't sure whether he loved you.

How somebody feels about their actions before they get found out is far more relevant to what they say they feel after.

Right now, he is sorry that work caught him out and he's sorry that you intercepted that letter before him. All his feelings now are for himself and the mess he's made of his life, not yours or the children's.

You didn't do anything to create this, so please stop feeling irrational guilt towards your children.

My advice is to get some space from him now and let the children come home.

Charbon Thu 07-Feb-13 17:34:21

Often a shocked partner feels that if their spouse leaves, they still might have questions that will remain unanswered. So a good way of meeting the need to get answers while not having to see the tears and experience the tangential nature of these conversations when face-to-face, is to communicate by E mail.

This will focus your mind and his and it will also be a helpful aide-memoire when the story changes later on.......as it inevitably does. You might feel you've got all the initial answers you need, but you really haven't. E mailing questions and answers doesn't have to be a one-off either, you can do this several times when a question pops into your head.

The responses can also form the basis of future face-to-face discussions, but right now I think you need to put your own needs first and get away from this pity party he's staging.

Hissy Thu 07-Feb-13 18:58:30

Yes I think the DC need to come home to you, and he needs to leave to give you all space to heal together.

Abitwobblynow Fri 08-Feb-13 16:15:36

"How somebody feels about their actions before they get found out is far more relevant to what they say they feel after.
Right now, he is sorry that work caught him out and he's sorry that you intercepted that letter before him. All his feelings now are for himself and the mess he's made of his life, not yours or the children's."

- oh boy, that is about the toughest thing I have read in a long time. Thank you Charbon.

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