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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If it's not broken... would you bother getting married?

27 replies

Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:18

Quite happy and settled in our relationship, one little bod and another on the way. We've had our fair share of ups and downs and I guess we've come to the point where it's naturally started being discussed. Here are the reasons for/ against in my mind:

For: I'm a bit old to be a 'girlfriend', love the idea of making the commitment to other half, ds would love it, better in terms of tax/ if one of you dies and all that boring practical stuff.

Against: hate the idea of spending a lot of money on one day (I know you don't have to but we have a v. large family/ friendship group so it would be either a case of excluding (and offending) or just going away etc and doing it (and offending). I hate being centre of attention so the idea of any form of ceremony holds no appeal at all.

I guess, in short, I love the idea of a marriage but not a wedding, but getting married without everyone there would cause such upset that I'm just not sure it's worth the bother.

Any opinions or anybody managed a happy medium?

OP posts:

Report

Dahlen · 30/01/2013 20:23

Quiet registry office do, with witnesses off the street, then meet up at a pub for the evening and invite everyone. That way, you get a very low-key wedding but you get to include everyone in the celebration of it.

Squitten · 30/01/2013 20:24

Back when I was younger I was convinced that marriage was important. I would never have had children without being married and that's what I have done. Don't regret it for a second and have a very happy marriage.

Having grown a bit older and seen lots of marriages breaking up, etc, I would say that whilst I still think that marriage is a good sign of commitment and it ties up some legal odds and ends, it is not the be-all-and-end-all of a good relationship.

A will, however, is utterly ESSENTIAL

Yama · 30/01/2013 20:25

I was like you. I wanted a small, teeny, tiny wedding. Dh wanted the full shebang though so I just let him take over. It made him happy and actually it was great.

I realise I am no help.

Put it this way - a wedding should be no barrier to marriage.

OneMoreChap · 30/01/2013 20:27

Sorry, if you're a woman having kids with a man, and if your income is unequal or you're SAHM, I'd say you were crackers to not marry if you have the choice.

It offers so much more protection to you and the children, if your DP snuffs it, leaves you etc.

DW and I married despite knowing we couldn't have kids, mind, just because we wanted to.

Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:27

Dahlen, we could do the registry office with immediate family I suppose but parents would be devastated, I'm not sure they'd ever really forgive me. We are actually a very close family but we'd have to invite dp's family too and they are... a challenge!

Squitten- I know (about the will), I think that regardless of whether we marry or not we'll write get one as soon as 2nd dc arrives.

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OneMoreChap · 30/01/2013 20:27

Oh, and we eloped and married in a registry office with no family or friends. It was a wedding for us.

Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:29

Onemorechap- I actually earn more than dp though may change as hoping to go part time after dc2 comes along. I do know it makes sense for those reasons but still leaves awkward situation of actual wedding day. As I said, I have no issues at all with the idea of marrying dp.

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scaevola · 30/01/2013 20:29

There are important legal differences between marriage and co-habitation, and there is noway to fully replicate all the things conferred by marriage (though joint holding of assets and proper wills do make a big difference).

If you don't want a ceremony, could you nip off for a quick registry office service to cover the legalities. Then hold a separate party to celebrate, with none of the traditional wedding fripperies, just your favourite people, maybe one or two speeches, and a blast of a party in the style you prefer?

Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:30

How did people take that onemore?

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Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:32

scaevola... I like the sound of that. Still think not witnessing ceremony would cause big rifts with immediate family on both sides.

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Viviennemary · 30/01/2013 20:33

I think a good idea would be a meal during the day with only very close family, and then a party at night and invite everyone. But if you want to get married then not affording to shouldn't be preventing this. I think marriage is important.

Thisisaeuphemism · 30/01/2013 20:34

I did - after reading lots of threads on Mumsnet

If you are sahm Ing for a couple of years, marriage is good protection.

We did it for less than £2000 and it was v special.

DiscoTent · 30/01/2013 20:34

You could do the quiet registry office thing and then not tell anyone you'd done it? DP and I have 2DC, been together over a decade, can't be arsed with a wedding, but I do worry about the legal stuff - particularly in the event of one of us dying. I do sometimes wonder if we should...

spiffysquiffyspiggy · 30/01/2013 20:40

Married after 9 years and 3 children. We got our pension statements and realised that we'd be a lot better off being married . 6 weeks later we got married in the registry office with our best friends as witnesses. We did tell friends and family afterwards but did debate not telling anyone.

If you don't want fuss then you don't have to have it- you can be in and out of the registry office in five mins. We did spend a lovely afternoon in the pub to celebrate though

The only difference it has made to us is that financially we are a little more secure should one of us die. I don't feel more committed to him or that anything has changed.

Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:41

Disco- two kids, ten years... you could be me!

Euphemism- £2000 still makes my eyes water! I think it's just when I think of what else we could do for that amount of money.

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Wiggy29 · 30/01/2013 20:43

Squiify- totally agree that it won't change us, I was never a girl who had a dream wedding etc etc. I know logically that you can just go off and do it with nobody there but it just makes me wonder if the fall out is worth it.

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spiffysquiffyspiggy · 30/01/2013 20:47

If they'd really be that bad them don't tell them. View it as a legal contract to secure your future rather than a wedding.

I knew my family would be fine but was a but worried about dh's. We are the only ones on both sides of the family who are likely to get married and I thought mil might be upset. In the end they were absolutely fine. Think they were just pleased that we'd finally done the 'decent' thing

wongadotmom · 30/01/2013 20:52

If the relationship IS broken....then you should NOT bother getting married!

OrangeLily · 30/01/2013 20:58

Could you throw a party for a birthday/child naming/christening and just get married then and there? I know of a few couples who have done this. I didn't know either well enough to be invited though. G.u.t.t.e.d I frigging love surprise parties and the like!

Moanranger · 30/01/2013 21:27

Why not just talk to your family? Explain your reasons -seem perfectly sensible to me. They may be more ok with it than you think. My view is that the cost of weddings has got completely out of hand & the best ones are a simple ceremony followed by a good old party - forget the Bridezilla stuff.
I am with those who think in your position being actually married is important.

MortifiedAdams · 30/01/2013 21:34

Quite honestly, nothing changed when we married and I was glad as I wasnt hoping it would.

We did it to have a day of celebration of the two of us and brining the family together (mine and his), and, like you, I felt daft saying BF and GF. We had been together eight years.

We did it very cheaply, but still had a hotel venue, 30 daytime and 100 night time and think the whole thing came to about 2k including the honeymoon.

Thisisaeuphemism · 30/01/2013 21:35

Oh but that was the party bit- the wedding itself- registry then afternoon tea was £500 max....
And it was strangely moving - even for another unromantic...

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nefertarii · 30/01/2013 21:38

A wedding is about you as a couple. The same as a marriage is.

You parents would be really upset that you are getting married the way you want to? They will be upset that you don't want to spend a fortune on a day you don't want and won't enjoy? Why would people who love you guilt you into doing that?

I got married at 20 and have been for 10 years. Its right for me and dh. not for everyone.

Its really up to what you do. But going ahead with a big day and spending a fortune for others is not doing it for you, its doing it for others.

ManInBeige · 30/01/2013 22:12

Best wedding I ever went to was a close friend. 24 people there, all close friends of bride and/or groom, nice registry office (some councils are really good and some are dreadful so check), good lunch, onto the pub for anyone else that wanted to come along.

OneMoreChap · 30/01/2013 22:20

Family didn't much like us eloping (but we were in our 40s FFS).
Total bill about £600, including the week away in a hotel where we sloped off to to get married.

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