Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What do I want in a relationship?

11 replies

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/01/2013 12:27

Odd question but I don't appear to know the answer...

Aside from the usual mutual respect, understanding, respect, love, consideration, equality, etc how do you define what makes a good relationship? GSOH? As they'd say in ye olden days of newspaper ads for match-making?

There is context in that I'm trying to determine if it's worth giving someone another chance but we've both agreed that we need to be certain we're at least starting from the place of understanding what the other one wants/needs.

OP posts:

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2013 12:56

I think it's largely the same things that make for a good friendship. Effortlessness would be high on my list. Totally at ease with each other. Not having to try.... as the old shaving advert used to say.... too hard. I think, if you're at the stage of having to give someone a second chance, you're already in the arena of things being too self-conscious. Sorry.

Report

caramelwaffle · 30/01/2013 13:00

If it is the person I am thinking it is then I would say - for you to be their first consideration, and also fidelity (in all senses).

Report

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 30/01/2013 13:06

I was asking myself this yesterday, and decided that what I want from a potential partner is exactly what I have to offer him (kind, smart, fun, cute, available, solvent, no addictions, able to take care of my own emotional and physical needs, know my neuroses and have them well tamed). With the added requirement of being mutually attracted.

Is this person you're worried about up to the standards you keep for your own self?

Report

caramelwaffle · 30/01/2013 13:12

Really good point to think about Hot

Report

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/01/2013 14:01

Oooh, good points...

caramel - indeed!! Fidelity is top of the list.

I have no patience with the posts on here where people are bleating "but I looooove him" as an excuse to stay in a broken relationship. I think I may be doing that here. Although, in all honesty, I'm not entirely sure that I really am able to trust him and that's a big deal for me.

Hmmm.

OP posts:

Report

BertieBotts · 30/01/2013 14:08

You want to be a co-pilot - Read this, it's very good at putting into words that thing that you can't quite put your finger on, but it changed the way that I think about relationships.

Report

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/01/2013 14:15

Ooooh, I subscribe to Baggage Reclaim but haven't seen this. Thank you.

OP posts:

Report

Charbon · 30/01/2013 16:21

If fidelity with this particular man is top of the list, that suggests he's had difficulty with it before, either with you or others and possibly both. If that's true, then that suggests someone who can lie, deceive and behave very selfishly. So whereas fidelity is the headline, there is a subset of behaviours beneath it.

Be very cautious Belle and question yourself why you're considering him instead of a man with no form for those behaviours.

Report

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/01/2013 18:48

You're right, Charbon.

The more I consider this, the less it appeals.

OP posts:

Report

BertieBotts · 31/01/2013 20:10

It's an older one - used to be down the side. I find that her older stuff is very good because it's very basic bare bones stuff :) I love the co-piloting analogy!