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Husband wants an abortion I don't please help

(171 Posts)
Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 09:01:26

I never thought I would be posting on here.
I am 24. My dh is 34. We have 5 dc dd1 is nearly 8 dtwinson and dtwindaughyer are 5 dd3 is nearly 3 and dd4 is 19 months. I also had a mmc at 12 weeks in 2009

I have/had the merina coil. Found out last friday I am pregnant roughly 5 weeks.

Dh is adament he doesn't want another dc. We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment.

We run our own taxi service which I answer the phones do the admin and he drives he works long and unsocial hours and doesn't get enough sleep as it is to be fair.

He wants me to have an abortion I've been to the doctors and made an appointment for bpas for Tuesday.

I really really really don't want to have an abortion.

He says he wont cope with another dc. He finds it hard to cope with the ones we have at the moment.

He says the final decision is mine. It doesn't feel like mine. I know he would be upset angry annoyed if I keep the baby.

But how can I have another baby knowing I forced him to be a dad again.

He says its unfair of me to force him to be a dad again when he doesn't want it.

How can I bring a baby up knowing dh didn't wanted it. I have no one else to talk to

Sorry its long I just don't know which way to turn.

I was on the fence until "he didn't want to get the snip". Men who really don't want any more children get the snip. DH is already thinking about his future snip, and we are still ttc our final child.

On the other hand, a friend is pg with a baby her H doesn't want. His tactics to get her to abort are intensifying, and it is quite horrible, particularly bearing in mind she is now about 16w.

I don't like the "it is your decision, but I definitely think you should get rid of it" because I feel this would be brought up every single time OP has a problem - "morning sickness? Well it was your idea to keep it" "tired? Well it was your idea to keep it" etc etc.

Can you sit down and work out precisely what financial difference another child would make, in terms of impact on the rest of the family? If for example it would prevent your getting a WOH job that you had been planning for 2014, or if you'd need to move/extend your house, or replace the bus car.

From my perspective (two DCs, same sex), the difference between five and six children seems absolutely negligible: you will know better.

Book him an appointment for the vasectomy. Contraception is everybody's responsibility, and you've been doing your part.

jellybeans Thu 24-Jan-13 10:07:51

I also wondered about the mirena, did you get pregnant on that or have it removed due to symptoms etc? (I have it so am nervous!)

I have 5DC and don't plan more but if got pg would keep the baby. If DH pushed for abortion I would still keep it. I was in a simelar position as a teenager (but with 1st baby) it was horrible stressful nightmare on my own faced with that decision but I went ahead and never regretted it. Never have an abortion unless you are 100% or thereabouts as the aftermath can be awful. I know because I had terrible news during a scan and was forced to either terminate the pg or go to term and the baby to suffer and die. The guilt from that was bad enough.

If you want the baby then you must keep it. There is a good hance he could come round. You are carrying the baby it is your decision. He is an arse!!

FWIW I would have thought there were financial benefits to having a sixth now or never.

bringmeroses Thu 24-Jan-13 10:09:33

I would tell him how I would feel in your shoes - that it's a terribly hard decision but that at the end of the day, there is hope you could handle a sixth child in your family but that you don't think you would ever get over having an abortion. I think - only my opinion - that he may forgive you keeping the baby more easily than you'd forgive him causing you to have the pregnancy terminated. Hopefully you have family that can help yiu out. And it'll get easier as the kids get older. Good luck.

Butterycrumble Thu 24-Jan-13 10:10:17

She wouldn't be sterilised in my area as she is too young, being a decade younger than her dp and not so averse to having another child it would make no sense for her to be sterilised. If the dh didn't want children he could have controlled his body rather than seeking to control his wife's by forcing a termination. You are right though he may not be an arse but he is behaving like one.

OwlLady Thu 24-Jan-13 10:11:37

she has already said she has to have a scan to where the mirena is
from that i would presume it is not where it is supposed to be and has either come out or got lost

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 10:11:44

Yeah, I'd say keep talking.

Have you ever discussed what you would do if you got pregnant?
There is no 100% proof contraception method (apart from removing your womb).

If you feel you will separate eventually, would you be happy to have 6 children at home, living by yourself?
And has your DH considered what will happen if he splits leaving you with 6 children, but him also having to cope with those same 6 children when it's his turn to have them?

It's not an easy decision, but you have to work it out as a couple.
Maybe try emergency counselling, or find out if there could be some support for your family from child charities, for example?

Or could you postpone the termination for a couple of weeks to allow some time to consider it carefully?

Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 10:12:23

I said have/had the coil as the doctor is unsure if it has moved or fallen out.

Dh didn't want the snip as we had talked about another dc in the very long future.

My head is a mess.

I always said I was 100% against abortion for myself.

To be honest even though I love him more than anything I can see this as the begining of the end whatever happens

DSM Thu 24-Jan-13 10:12:45

Dear god.

He didn't get a vasectomy as they were planning more children in the future.

Can none of you read?!

BourbonsandTea Thu 24-Jan-13 10:14:24

This must be really difficult for you both but your DH is being unfair to make out that YOU will be the one making the decision to have another baby. It is quite clear from your OP that neither of you were intending to have another baby. Sometimes contraception fails but an abortion is not always a suitable back up plan. It is a hard thing to deal with if you're not 100% sure it is right for you. whatever you decide make sure it is what you want because you may resent him for persuading you to have an abortion but he can't resent you for having a baby you were both equally responsible for creating

Yes, in light of the fact that the 5 children they have were largely planned and that they have talked of having a sixth in the future I think he is being unreasonable to put as much pressure as he is towards you having an abortion, and without really listening to your feelings. Your body, your choice. In my opinion he'll come round to the idea. Maybe just give him the opportunity to talk about how he feels, but don't hold back on telling him how you feel too.

I think he should re-consider having a vasectomy too. He possibly knows this and is reluctant/ apprehensive about this too.

Butterycrumble Thu 24-Jan-13 10:27:11

Ha dsm, good job you have your specs on to save us...

Same though, he hadn't wanted to close the door on more children...

FaceLikeAPickledOnion Thu 24-Jan-13 10:43:06

Op, I really don't know what to say, but I think whatever I did say wouldn't make any difference anyway tbh. Because it's not us you want to hear it from, it's Dh.
You need to talk, I know you have, but it hasn't resolved much or you wouldn't be on here.
It was a contraceptive failure that neither of you should take the blame for but the consequence bears equal responsibility to deal with which he is passing the buck to you.
I think you know what you want to do op, but are looking for reassurance and people to agree with you.

Isabeller Thu 24-Jan-13 10:50:36

Dear Lemonbuzz I have driven a taxi so I do understand the tiredness that can come with this. I don't know what it's like to have a large family but yours sounds full of love.

I hope you can both get the real life help and support you both deserve to cope with this unexpected shock. I had the Mirena coil and loved it and it has a lower failure rate than the pill but it does fail and this is not your fault or something you did on purpose. Neither of you thought you were risking a pregnancy, why wouldn't you both be shocked and upset?

I hope you can get some individual or joint counselling to help you both cope with the way forward because whatever the outcome this pregnancy is a game changer for you.

Good luck to you all, I hope it works out xx

dequoisagitil Thu 24-Jan-13 10:53:11

If you want to keep the pregnancy, you should - ultimately it's your call. But you may need to prepare to be a lone parent.

Hopefully he'll come round.

yourhairlookswrong Thu 24-Jan-13 11:04:22

I agree that ultimately it's your decision, but I can certainly see your DH's point of view. But the Mirena is generally a very reliable form of contraception, and there is no point in putting blame on anyone now.

Sadly, in cases like these, it puts a real strain on the relationship regardless of the decision you make. It is hard to get past the resentment on either side and I think that tends to destroy relationships. As the previous poster says, you will have to prepare to be a lone parent. I'm a lone parent, with just one child, and that is hard. I can't imagine it with five or six children, and you won't get a lot in maintenance on a taxi driver's wage. But there are lone parents on here who have managed with that many dc and no maintenance at all. You will be strong for your children no matter what happens.

Pilgit Thu 24-Jan-13 11:08:35

You probably need to do a lot more talking about this. It is an awful situation to be in. His reluctance at the moment may be a kneejerk reaction and a product of his fear and tiredness. If you were leaving the way open for a further child some time in the future, this is just bringing it forward. I don't know how you resolve this, however I would like to believe he'd come round as he sounds like a mostly decent bloke. To prevent it being the end outside help may be needed - try contacting relate.

SanityClause Thu 24-Jan-13 11:19:45

This is really hard - I really feel for you.

I fell pregnant on the Mirena coil. The GP said it was a 1 in 100,000 chance.

I chose to have the baby (now my lovely 9yo DS!). I didn't really involve DH in the decision. It is my body, and I felt I have to look myself in the mirror evry morning, so the decision should really be mine. (I am totally pro-choice, BTW.)

DH was angry that I wouldn't really discuss it. To me, there was nothing to discuss. No logical argument would make me change my mind, I just felt I should have the baby.

Anyhoo, it wasn't madly easy for DH and me, and our relationship, particularly at first. I can't really give you any pearls of wisdom about how we got through it - we did sort of bumble through, at the time, and things have got easier over time.

I do know that if it had meant we would split up, I still would've made the same decision. I suppose that's the crux of the matter.

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 12:04:41

What if DC5 had been a twin as well?

Having a DC6 is not that different.

Touchmybum Thu 24-Jan-13 12:13:54

Oh Lueji, of course it is different. It's all very well when children are small. They become much more expensive as they get older. I have three kids and both my dh and I work fulltime in decently remunerated jobs and it's tight now they are in their teens/preteen.

I have a lot of sympathy with your dh's point OP. I don't think I could physically cope with any more children. He is probably worried sick too about how he is going to support and rear them. The pressure is largely on him to earn. The poor guy is sleep deprived and under pressure enough trying to keep 5 children as it is.

Yes, it's not your fault - but you wouldn't be pregnant by choice either would you? You have to think of your dh and the children you already have. Bringing another child into the world is going to diminish the resources of time, and finance, available for the children you have.

Either way one of you is going to have to compromise here, and it's a big thing to compromise on. I feel for you. I don't like abortion but am pro-choice, but if I were in your shoes I would consider it. Five children in this day and age is enough for anyone. Your dh says he can't cope. Listen to him. If he decided he really couldn't cope, could you cope on your own with 6 children? Think of it now when they are small, think of it when they are in their teens and wanting to experiment with life, or wanting to go to college/uni and there's no funds for them to do anything.

I'm sorry but I think you have a responsiblity to the family you already have. I think you have to place them and your dh above a potential baby, hard as it might be.

I also think you should arrange some counselling for yourself, and discuss it with professional advisers who have experience in dealing with situations like this.

Good luck with your decision. It is very difficult x

aufaniae Thu 24-Jan-13 12:27:47

You have a raised chance of miscarriage with a Mirena coil, simply with it in, and also taking it out has risks attached. (And they'll want to take it out if you continue with the pregnancy IIRC).

In your shoes I would consider getting the coil taken out first, and seeing if I still was pregnant after that. (I imagine you may want a different form of contraception anyway after this one has failed you?)

I don't know if this is a realistic course of action though - my first point of call would be to the doctor, to say this is what I was considering and to seek advice.

As to whether you should consider a termination - only you can make that choice. It's not an easy thing to do, and may well affect you for a long time. (However having another child will also affect you of course!)

Neither are futures which you have chosen, but here you are. Only you can decide which future is best now you're in this situation, there is no objective right or wrong answer.

aufaniae Thu 24-Jan-13 12:30:44

Touchmybum "I'm sorry but I think you have a responsiblity to the family you already have. I think you have to place them and your dh above a potential baby, hard as it might be."

That is your reading of the situation. I really don't think it's right or fair to tell the OP what she "has" to do. (Either way).

She doesn't "have" to do anything. It's her decision to make, and there are many factors to take into consideration. Her own feelings are important.

There is no right or wrong answer.

Touchmybum Thu 24-Jan-13 12:33:51

I disagree. I think once you are a parent you HAVE to consider your existing children in any decision you make, and the impact it will have on them.

In this instance, having another baby is going to impact on the whole family.

I agree, there is no right or wrong answer but a decision must be taken which is in the interests of everyone in the family.

aufaniae Thu 24-Jan-13 12:39:51

Touchmybum you were basically telling her to have a termination, and it is no one's place to do that.

I am absolutely pro-choice. However it is a very sensitive subject and if someone feels pressured into having a termination that can stay with them for years, even if they would have decided that in the end themselves anyway. (Speaking from experience here sadly).

Yes of course she needs to consider her family, but she also needs to consider her own feelings on the subject, and this shouldn't be underestimated - as it's her who must live with it if she decides to terminate. Some people find this easy to deal with, others less so. Only the OP knows what's right for her and her family. And that might be a termination, but it might not be. We cannot say.

The reality is there will probably be both heartbreak and happiness whichever decision she takes. Where the balance lies in her particular circumstances, is not something as outsiders we can assess and tell her. It's incredibly unfair to attempt to do so IMO.

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 12:43:10

How are you to say that the impact will definitely be negative?

Of course Lemon is considering the entire family, as is her DH.

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