I live with a bully, a man who tells me I'm a state, I've let myself go, I'm a crap mother. A man who took me out for our anniversary when I was pregnant only to rant at me all evening about how little milk I was drinking during my pregnancy and I shouldn't be surprised if our child had been born disabled because of me. A man who has called me a c* several times, said I deserve to rot in hell with my dead parents. A man who refused to let me continue working when I had our DS 5 years ago so I had to reduce my hours and let go if any "career" I hoped I'd have.
A man who doesn't touch me, hasn't wanted to sleep with me for 3 years despite me literally throwing myself at him. A man who makes fun of me in front of our friends. A man who has dictated which embers of my family are allowed round our house despite me bending over backwards for his.
A man who works from 8am until 10pm every day apart from Sundays when he is just miserable. I have practically raised our son on my own.
A man who has dangled the "having another child" in font of me for 4 years only for him to never come near me, and to even say "and you wonder why you're not pregnant look at the state of you!". He has slept on the sofa for a year.
A man who has thrown away his breakfast I cooked him because his eggs weren't done quite right.
A man who has hurt me 4 times.
This same man is practically a saint to the outside world, would do anything for anyone (yet rant about them to me), a man who looks like he's working every hour god sends to provide for his wife and son even though he has his own business and I have huge doubts as to how he can be working at 10pm at night. A man who goes so over the top with gifts on my birthday, Christmas and anniversary, spending hundreds, sometimes thousands.
Last Sept, almost a year to the day that I also lost my beautiful mum, who I miss so much I can barely breathe some days, I found that something had snapped in me, a lightbulb moment. This man I married can't possibly love me and it dawned on me that I don't love him anymore, he's killed everything.
I told him and I asked him o be honest, he sad "he loved me but not in that way" although he was happy to stay living together for our son. When I sad I wasn't, I'm 33 and haven't had sex since I was 29, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be happy. He called me selfish.
Since Sept I have started confiding in my close friends, some shocked, some not shocked at all and were almost waiting for me to tell them. My best friend cried, couldn't believe I had been hurting like this for so long and said I was a wonderful actress.
I can't help but think when I look at my husband he got me when I was so low, my dad had just died and I was pregnant and then at the end of 2011 my mum died and he has used these points in my life to get inside my head, tell me I'm disgusting and he even said my friends had god him id changed for the worst, when I asked them this recently I could tell by their faces these conversations hadn't happened.
So now I have an appt with my solicitor booked for next tues, an appt with the CAB Friday, and I'm about to blow my sons world apart by splitting up his little family. I hate myself for it, but my current life is killing me.
I am scared and I know it sounds mad, is it better the devil you know? Will I really be ok on my own with my DS? Can I do this? What if I'm aways n my own? What f I can't get back on the property ladder or give my son the things he deserves? I now this all sounds mental, but I am scared of the unknown, when at east with him I know my life... Does that sound insane?
I m not scared of him, pease no replies telling me to run screaming from the house, he hasn't hurt me since 2009. And like any coward, now that he has lost his control over me he has lost us power. He has been very amicable since we made the decision to not be together, I now he would rather live separate lives in the same house but this s what I can't do.
I just need to know its going to be ok.
Thankyou for taking the time to read.
XxxxxX
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Please tell me I WILL be happier on my own than like this....?
Oddsox2 · 23/01/2013 17:06
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