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runaway dad

(25 Posts)
meddie Tue 22-Jan-13 10:39:33

I would stop encouraging contact tbh. Your ex sounds like mine, constantly letting them down. I could tell when he had a new GF as what limited contact there was (email every 3 months if he remembered he had kids) completely stopped. I could also tell when his current relationship had finished because he would suddenly want to turn up and re establish contact with his kids.
I used to send school reports, school photos etc as if I hadn't done that he would have conveniently forgot about them all together and I refused to let him.
I never wanted my children to look me in the eye and say i stopped there dad from being a part of their life. its blatantly obvious to them now they are older that it was his choice. He had unlimited access if he wanted it. he chose not too.
The sad fecker is now on marriage number 5. My kids as adults have nothing to do with him anymore and refuse to engage with him at all. His loss.

DIYapprentice Tue 22-Jan-13 10:32:57

raspbery - I hope you are updating the log with when he ACTUALLY rings and sees your DDs, and not just when he is supposed to. Let it all dwindle, and the log will be a record you can rely on should things ever change and he tries to force more contact and involvement.

I agree with others, no dad is much better than a dead beat dad who lets the girls down, favours one over the other, and who uses them to control you.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 22-Jan-13 10:20:50

raspbery - sounds like you are better off without him, nobody deserves to live in fear....

A lot of people say that I am strong, but I dont always feel it sad Time of the month doesnt help definitely. I seem to have two high weeks and two low weeks each month!

I am trying to be positive and be grateful for what I have got, not what I haven't got....

raspberyfool Tue 22-Jan-13 08:23:12

Oh and sapphire i think you are very strong i have read your thread and think you are doing so well. I know at times it feels like we are going backwards. X

raspberyfool Tue 22-Jan-13 08:20:59

I find that i cry when i hear from him and that time of the month. My girls have yet to stay overnight or see ow but i can guarantee i will sob my heart out. I also morn my life that should have been but then i remind myself of all the nights i cried myself to sleep when we were together or the time he scared me so bad i thought he was going to kill me. I still get chills when i think of scary eyes.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 22-Jan-13 08:12:34

I cry for the fact that my life as I knew it, is over.

But it will be ok again one day...

Skyebluesapphire Tue 22-Jan-13 08:11:52

I still cry. Mainly because OW is spending time with my DD yet is still with her H.

My emotions have to catch up with my head.

raspberyfool Tue 22-Jan-13 08:09:57

I mean Not eating no energy for dating yet grin.

raspberyfool Tue 22-Jan-13 08:02:36

Sapphire how you feeling now about your divorce. I've only been divorced for a week and at the moment i have not cried. Im sure i will when hormones playing up. And i have read the script on one of the threads here. He followed it to a t even down to blaming me when he left as i was fat and spent to much time in maternity clothes. (he failed to realise i had only given birth five months earlier) he now denies all knowledge of that conversation. He even once said i could take you upstairs now i fancy you but don't love you. The fact that i lost baby weight and more was commented on saying now you take care of yourself.nothing to do with the fact i was looking after two children and not dating.Which is why he is not allowed in my house anymore yuck.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 21-Jan-13 22:27:34

My Xh left saying he would see DD as often as he was allowed to.... I have never stopped him seeing her, he now sees her EOW and never rings in between and only sees her in the week, if OW work permits....

my XH did the same too, announced right out of nowhere that he hadnt loved me for some time.... they really do all follow the same script dont they?!

raspberyfool Mon 21-Jan-13 19:44:17

aka sorry your in the same situation. I've been warned about the take me back script. Well i won't be falling it. The extremely awful things he said can never be undone. Besides all that I've actually realised how happy i am without him im smiling more and now wear colourful clothes when i always used to year black. I've even started to wear dressesgrin i do believe that now im divorced i can finally rediscover the real me.

akaemmafrost Mon 21-Jan-13 19:11:42

I will bet my life's savings not a massive amount but not to be sneezed at that if when he finishes with her he'll be drooping around making a right old nuisance of himself, whining about what a mistake he made and you owe it to the girls not to "Break Up The Family" over such an insignificant mistake on his part. Can you tell I have and still am to a certain extent in a similar situation? Seriously, your girls and you are better off without this person in their lives. You need to let him create this distance so that you can treat him like the joke he is. These ridiculous men! Honestly sometimes I think there must be a handbook because they are all the same.

raspberyfool Mon 21-Jan-13 18:48:00

Oh and aka he always chose alcohol and friends over me and the girls before he left.

raspberyfool Mon 21-Jan-13 18:46:02

I think i will let it dwindle. When he's with gf i hear nothing which is a relief. When he's not with her i get stupid texts or the old phrase you know you can talk to me even though i left you i still care.
Its the same with the girls once i called him when he was with gf as eldest in hospital and all he said was keep me updated . If that was me i would be at the hospital in a flash. I've kept a log when he should visit or call and he has cancelled or forgot 70% of the time. If or should i say when he disappears at least i can say i never stopped him.

dequoisagitil Mon 21-Jan-13 11:23:04

I would let contact drop. He sounds like a bad father and a bad male role model. Biology isn't enough. Your girls don't gain anything from seeing him but confusion and favouritism. They'd be better off without him, and that he can't be bothered sounds a good thing.

Let it slide. Don't put barriers in the way of him seeing them - he can have access at set times as now, but don't tell them he's expected so they're not disappointed and just carry on with your life. Move on.

You can't make him into a decent human being & father.

akaemmafrost Mon 21-Jan-13 11:11:41

From what you've said I think his lack of contact is a VERY good thing. Imagine how much worse it would be if he was around every five minutes using them to keep tabs on you.

I'd be hoping he doesn't finish with his girlfriend any time soon as I think you'd find him very difficult to shake off then, he sounds abusive and controlling and if I were you (which I kind of am as in a similar situation except he chooses drinking and his mates over his dc) I would be keeping a low profile and hoping he forgot about us all together.

raspberyfool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:02:37

Glad im not the only one in this situation. Not ready to date yet as youngest not sleeping properly and i want to be happy in my own skin so to speak. But once im ready Im going to not make the same poor choices i did with xh. Lueji your right its his loss as the girls are just wonderful ( not at three am i admit but the majority me the time )grin

Lueji Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:40

Just to add that he's not the only one like this.

Ex always said that he'd take DS with him, that he couldn't live with him, blah, blah, blah.
I left because of DV.

He doesn't pay a penny, only sends birthday and Christmas presents.
And often doesn't contact at all, or gives pathetic excuses.

His loss.

And, as yours, DS is also keen to have a father figure in the house.

There's your cue to get back on the dating scene, if you haven't already. smile

raspberyfool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:42:01

Thanks your right you have just confirmed what i deep down already knew. Still trying to discover my fighting spirit that i lost and cut the control he has over me still. I will speak to my solicitor on Monday. Onwards and upwards thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 09:37:17

The more you say about him, the more I think you should simply forget contact all together. Going the legal route means he is entitled to spend time with your children and, given that he is violent (pushing and shoving is violence), aggressive and 'scary', I don't know why you'd want to inflict that on them if he's not all that keen in the first place. If you do go to a solicitor, make sure they know all about his behaviour. If contact is agreed it should really be supervised.

raspberyfool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:33:47

He was occasionally violent in the beginning never hit me but pushed and shoved me. He was also mentally aggressive calling me mental or saying i said something when i did not. He also used to snatch the youngest away from me when she was crying and stop me going to comfort her. He still frightens me a bit with the scary eye thing he does when angry.
Its the fact that one minute he's nice like checking i was ok due to the snow then the next abusive saying that he just existed with me and he really loves his gf .
The people sticking their nose in is his parents not in a nasty way but as he lives with them they are involved.
in the beginning i thought when i meet someone they will not replace the girls dad but now due to what he has done when i do meet someone they will be more of a dad to the girls than him. I sobbed one night as he did not want to even touch our youngest and even now he doesn't touch her. The difference between how he treats each girl is so obvious th eldest has even noticed.
Think am going to follow your advice and go the legal route.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 09:00:29

See... selfish, irresponsible and immature way to finish a relationship. No reason to assume he'd treat anyone else he's supposed to love any differently.

You've done the right thing by trying to start things off amicably and hoping your ex would be reasonable. But when someone proves themselves to be unreasonable and irresponsible you have to forget 'amicable' and go for 'legal'. When you say you're worried about the way he'd react do you mean he's been violent or aggressive in the past? And who are these 'other people' sticking their beak in?

Of course, the alternative is to drop contact all together, relieve him of the inconvenience of fatherhood, limit his involvement in your children to the purely financial and let him fight you through the court to restore contact.... if he can be bothered. Your DD - wise beyond her years - is already after a replacement. Maybe that's the way forward?

raspberyfool Sun 20-Jan-13 08:55:27

Thanks cogito you always give good advice. The marriage broke down as he left suddenly when the youngest was five months saying he had not loved me for years. The gf appeared two weeks later but he swears happened after we split ( but im not that stupid to believe him hence why i filed for adultery and he accepted)
The visits was agreed between us. I was willing for him to see them as much as he wanted but he chose three hours every two weeks. I then found out this was so he could still see his gf on those weekends.
I would like to get access by the court but to be truthful am scared of what people will think and how he will react. One minute he is lovely then next minute he's horrible. If Im honest i would just like him to see the girls regularly and not have to deal or see him. I don't tell the oldest he's calling or visiting till that day and even then sometimes he cancels.
He's also wanted to visit them in my house which i have stopped which made him shout at me saying i was childish and hurting the girls. But when he's round mine he follows me around and treats the house as his own even opening the fridge looking for food.
My girls are lovely everyone adores them i just wish their dad did

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 08:35:12

I think the best way to stop children getting hurt is to be honest with them. Lower their expectations to the point of removing them all together. Only tell them about visits and calls when you're totally sure they're going to happen rather than setting up false hopes.

Legally, of course, you can do quite a lot. Is the current access determined by a court because, if so, he's in breach of the agreement? If not, consider the legal route.

As to why someone would do that... usually because of selfishness, irresponsibility and immaturity. Instant selfish gratification trumps grown-up responsibility to someone else. Why did the relationship break down in the first place? That's usually an indicator of someone's personality.

raspberyfool Sun 20-Jan-13 08:20:04

My xh when he left said please don't stop me seeing the girls.even when i found out some really hurtful things i never stopped him seeing the girls. But he never sees our girls. Why? Because he is always putting his gf first has cancelled visiting days so he can go to hers. He forgets to call our eldest daughter on the day arranged. He only has the girls three hours every two weeks and calls once a week but he can not keep to it. My eldest who is 4 now doesn't care if she sees her dad and my youngest who's 1 does not know her dad from adam.
I can not understand why a man who says his girls are number one can then just drop them. He's now talking about moving to gf who lives two hours away. I feel so sad for my girls my eldest even asked if we could get a new daddy as the old one does not visit anymore.
I know i can't force him to see the girls but what can i do to stop them getting hurt sad

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