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Honest opinions wanted - Am I too needy/demanding?

(65 Posts)
WigCarpet Sun 20-Jan-13 00:03:33

Partner lives with me during the week and stays at his mother's house on a weekend due to the fact that he has his kids on a weekend and we're not yet at the stage where they are ready to sleep over at my house. Plus my house is tiny so it would be a bit claustrophobic for everyone involved if they did.

Anyway.

As he stays here throughout the week, I REALLY miss him on a weekend. As soon as he leaves on Saturday mornings I start to feel a little empty/lonely. I know I shouldn't, I managed fine as a single parent for years but having him here all week really makes me miss him on a weekend. I miss having someone to watch TV with, I miss having someone to share stupid youtube videos with and I miss him laying in bed next to me so badly.

Well, he left about 3pm this afternoon and I heard nothing from him all night after that. He used to text me throughout the weekend and now I barely hear from him once he leaves. He sent me a quick text at 10.30pm to say he'd won something on ebay that I wanted and that was it. I replied and have received nothing since. I won't hear from him much tomorrow either, maybe one text if I'm lucky.

I know he has his kids and of course he wants to spend quality time with them but it kind of upsets me that he can stay here all week and then more or less pretend I don't exist as soon as he leaves.

Be honest, am I being too demanding or needy??

FairyFi Wed 23-Jan-13 16:43:19

a shame for DC and the ladies he dates wldu (under spurious pretences I would imagine, and obviously thinks assumes its ok to waste these genuine people's time and energy so that he can date for his needs, instead of being upfront) shame on him if he's not being straight about that Sad he can't move on, but thats not everyone else's problem. I think its v. common though

wouldulikeit Wed 23-Jan-13 16:06:25

This reminds me of my ex. We've been divorced 3 years but he's unable to let go. I know that he dates but he will not get serious with anyone and certainly won't let the dc know about it.

FairyFi Wed 23-Jan-13 15:46:37

Are you a guy? He doesn't sound like he wants a relationship. Only wants to 'date', not the same thing? He sounds like he can't move on tbh, but then we can only guess at anything because we have no explanations forthcoming from the OP or from OP bf. so its all guesswork. The only answer IMO would be for some honesty between them about what they both want although I get that she has told him, and he's not willing/able to address the issue, which might be a worry, time to move on

I wonder how many go dating without any plan to move onto a relationship, but don't like to be honest about that to the person they are dating <runs for the nearest exit> wanting to have their own life/DC and not share the two, and have a series of different dates, who eventually give up as the person isn't wanting to actually give anything, only take from the dating experience the sex, possibly?

I reckon people who are serious about a loving partnership would be only too keen to carefully introduce all to the situation. DC do have to adapt to their parents, even if that means sometimes a couple of long trial runs at it. Surely the more important thing is not to do this too quickly after DC have suffered the parental split so they have time to get over this and settle before getting use to idea of new people around (for the tiny tots it won't make much difference as long as not too intense -the older teens will be far more savvy about implications and discomfort around it possibly). There are many that tumble out of relationships and head straight for dating, clearly not in the right circumstances to actually do anything other/more than 'date' - but thats cool so long as both parties can be honest with themselves and each other about the limits of any 'relationship'.

Think OP disappeared now anyway.

Shoesme Tue 22-Jan-13 13:59:30

Just sounds like he's putting his kids first as he only has them at the weekend, unless I've missed something?

FairyFi Tue 22-Jan-13 10:20:32

I find it extremely odd that he is under your roof before you had got to the stage of being around each others' children. Meeting the other children is part of meeting him and getting to know who he is.

Either he, or their mother may have issues around letting other women around 'their' children, but thats making you unhappy, and you've put up with that all this time. I think its time for it to end and if you tell him the reason why, he has the opportunity to make a change, if he doesn't well you know where you stand. We can't all compartmentalise our lives (we'd never get to see anyone!)

I agree with a father putting his children first, but I can't see how this is doing that. What is he hiding them/you away for?

There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship alone. When you feel someone wants to be with you (not just 'there' in front of telly, eating your food), you don't worry about the time they are away, but tbh did you ever see him at the weekend? If it started on this basis, thats different, but still at some point it should have moved to everybody meeting up together with respective DC. so that leisure time could be shared and family life shared. Its not the same as someone working away, which is a lifestyle someone can choose to accept, and even then they have the right to change their mind and feel its not for them permanenty.

This isn't a reason I can see for them to never be together at the w'end. To allow him to move in before having got the children used to the idea of them even being together is all arse about face tbh. Its hiding from reality.

It could be lots of things, but its weird on many levels. It seems more needy that you have been in agreement with this happening, when you are not happy with it and are not sure yourself whether you have the right; putting it more in terms of being needy instead. If one person 'wants' more than the other doesn't necessarily mean 'needy', but each has the right to be with someone that does match them in ways that are important to them.

I do know of someone that used to go 'home', not to his mother's but to his wife! having not told them that he had actually left! and I have heard of your situation before, but because it never moved beyond that, that said it all (he's not allowing it to move beyond that) so she declared it over, as it wasn't what she wanted left her feeling she was asking for a relationship that he couldn't give, end of. It is he that can't give it, not you that can't have it (just not with him).

He is not being transparent with you if you do not have sufficient reasons to understand this situation, which denies you the opportunity to make your own decisions (unless you decide that is sufficient reason to base your decision on, which I think it absolutely is). You are not happy with the situation, and doubting yourself as a result.

Hissy Sun 20-Jan-13 19:21:46

You moved him in with you this fast? When you have kids?

Are you insane?

You are at immense risk of falling into a desperate and dysfunctional relationship. You don't give yourself any worth or value at all, you're in dire need of a self esteem injection!

Doinmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:05:53

I agree Imperial . Something doesn't add up.

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Jan-13 16:58:17

I wonder whether he's telling you all of the truth. Does anyone have a situation where the children spend Friday night to Monday morning every week with another parent? I thought 3/4 weekends, that sort of thing, or Saturdays and a night in the week were more common.

What age are the children?

Where do they think he's living?

There's something very odd about this, tbh.

Oh and please don't say you do his washing if he's not living there three days a week!

Doinmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:35:48

Do his children live with his mum ? If they are teens , I find it hard to believe that they spend the whole of every Saturday and Sunday with him. Teenagers normally want to see their mates for at least some of the weekend.

Springdiva Sun 20-Jan-13 16:17:57

The book says that men want women who are happy in themselves and don't have a need for a man to make them fulfilled or happy.

The way to a mans' heart is NOT to make a doormat of yourself (which might have been the belief in years gone by). Eg don't fall overyourself cooking a delicious meal, washing his stuff. I think it was in that book that it describes someone having a male friend round for a meal and heating up last night's left over Chinese takeaway for him. Well, you might do that for a female friend, the companionship is more important than the food, so why not do it for a male friend?

And I think she has a point. Imagine someone else's happiness being totally dependent on you, that's a hell of a responsiblity. So instead of going out looking for your dream man, go out to find a happy and fulfilling life of your own. Which you can then share with a man if a suitable one comes along.

2rebecca Sun 20-Jan-13 15:30:57

I agree with others that it sounds as though you let him move in with you during the week too early. If he feels the relationship isn't solid enough for you to meet his kids then why have you introduced him to your kids and why have him living with them? If his mum's house is only 15 minutes away I'd be inclined to go back to the dating stage until he feels the relationship is solid enough for you to meet his kids.
I also think you need to start planning weekend stuff without him though, and think that the soppy "I miss you" texts dying off is just part of a relationship maturing.
I wouldn't want to live with a man who wouldn't let me meet his kids though, to me living with a man is a big commitment, especially if you have kids.

Floralnomad Sun 20-Jan-13 15:21:07

The OP has another thread on this subject and I think she said that they're teenagers ,so they don't need a baby sitter .All very strange .

Shelby2010 Sun 20-Jan-13 15:03:32

Bet he goes out on the piss with his mates on a Sat night whilst his mum babysits. Just stirring saying.

Floralnomad Sun 20-Jan-13 15:01:05

He's having a good time , well good for him ! Either there should be proper full time commitment or you should move on , this man is 'having his cake and eating it ' as they say.

WigCarpet Sun 20-Jan-13 14:52:43

They live 15 minute drive away. It's really not a case of logistics.

I don't expect us all to meet up and play happy families immediately but the odd sunday outing together? Would that really be too much to ask? he gets to enjoy that with me and my kids.

He's just sent me pictures of him having fun in the snow with the kids saying he's having a great time and will take me and my kids to the same place in the week. In one sense it's nice that he's sharing the pictures and is thinking of me and the kids going too - but on the other hand it just shows how everything is so seperate and catagorised into him and his kids and him and my family. It's like he never intends to cross the two.

momb Sun 20-Jan-13 14:45:01

My Dp and I have lived together for over a year and I still feel a pang when he goes off to work nights, so I can understand that you feel a little bereft, but what would you want him to do?
You say that your home isn't big enough for everyone to stay there, and presumably you aren't expecting him to cut down seeing his children. You say that the texting while he is with his children has cut back but that is to be expected after 7 months of living together, and he did send you a 'good morning' text today woth kisses. It seems that the only real fly in the ointment is that you want the relationship to move forward and to meet his children and he doesn't think they are ready yet: this could be for a variety of reasons and might not have anything to do with your relationship at all. I think you need to stop worrying and actually ask him. How far away do his mother/his children live? Is this purely a logisitical thing and he just hasn't realised this means as much to you?

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Jan-13 14:31:01

I think your last post was absolutely right. He's a full part of your life and you're not even allowed to meet his children.

Does he contribute to the rent? If not, why not? What about food and bills? He's with you for 5/7ths of the week - can you tell us what he contributes, percentage wise?

landscaperguy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:22:00

OP you don't sound needy at all but i think this man isn't right for you. He sounds like someone i 'dated' and everything was on his terms. If he has met your children but you not met his then i don't think thats a good sign. 7 months in you should be meeting his friends and his family.

I used to feel empty and lonely with this last man and it was because my needs were not met and never told me when he would be seeing me next. Listen to how he phrases things to and if he says things like 'maybe', 'hope' or no definite answers then comes across likes he is not that into you and using you as a skivvy sorry to say.

Don't stay in this relationship because your lonely and think this is all on offer. Its better being single trust me without all this emotional turmoil!!!

Good luck :-)

izzyizin Sun 20-Jan-13 14:06:52

In the light of the additional information you've supplied, I've revised my opinion and don't find you at all needy.

This relationship is one way in his favour and I suggest you follow through on your intention to redress the balance when he returns to your home tomorrow evening.

I hope you'll be able to resolve matters to your satisfaction and that you'll come back with an update after you've had 'the talk' with him

ladyWordy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:49:48

I have the feeling I've heard this before...Whether that's the case or not, it's certainly time for you to call the shots a bit more, even if it pains you to do that.

I think he's giving you a very clear, but heartless message, which boils down to - I like your company, on my own terms: and if I feel differently on different days, that's for you to adjust to.

You don't want to be treated like that, do you? Mr blow hot and cold won't change. Ever.

Word to the wise... try to find some friends you can confide in. You need good support, because this man is making you needy, or making it worse! brew

Looksgoodingravy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:42:49

And yes perhaps it would be best to cool things off.

Perhaps he should move back with his mother and you return to the dating stage. Maybe it's all moved a bit to fast.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:39:03

That's a great point made by Gin.

It seems he has double standards. I suppose it does depend on the age of the dc but he's quite happy to be a part of your kids lives five days a week but you can't be involved in his dc, so unless his dc are so much younger than yours what kind of message is he giving to you! He's ok being a part of your kids lives but not vice versa, pretty hypocritical really.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 13:30:01

Also, just how quickly did you let this knob get his feet under the table? It sounds, as someone else said, as though what he was really after was a 'woman' to cook his meals and do his laundry during the week, because he's got his mother to do that at the weekend (I bet he dumps the DC on his mum and goes to the pub on a Saturday night).

Really: bin and move on, and remember that it's fine to be single. A couple-relationship is an optional extra in a woman's life, and it's only worth giving up the pleasures and freedoms of singlehood for a man who is totally wonderful to you.

ginmakesitallok Sun 20-Jan-13 12:11:17

He doesn't want to mess with/upset his kids by letting them meet you - but seems perfectly happy to mess with/upset your kids by moving in during the week?? confused

Floralnomad Sun 20-Jan-13 12:08:52

It sounds like you're making a good decision , just make sure you follow it through . Is it not a bit strange that he has his kids every weekend , does their mother never want them at a weekend ? If I were her I'd be equally peed off that I get all the school / daily crap and he gets the fun part.

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