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The Great Escape

(719 Posts)
GoodtoBetter Fri 18-Jan-13 07:24:59

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Mar-13 07:42:05

Yes, I am finding it hard to deal with and to understand. She's not actively unpleasant to DD or anything but it becomes clear she favours DS by the amount of mental space he occupies in her mind as opposed to DD, iyswim.

GoodtoBetter Wed 27-Mar-13 22:19:47

Had a good chat with DB this evening and we have come to the conclusion that she's mad. grin. The idea was he'd come over here to see the house and watch one of the Easter processions (she hasn't bothered for years...too much standing around). So, instead of just letting him follow directions (it's a 5 min walk in a village he knows well), no..she has to accompany him halfway, to show him which way. So I set off to meet them to avoid having to not invite her in iyswim. Have DS and DD with me, she's all fawning over them and then starts the teary act, "No DS, I have to go home" voice breaking.... We set off, rolling eyes at each other. So...as predicted, the minute she gets DB alone she has a go at seeing if he'll take the bait and join in a bitchfest (no luck) so it's full on pathetic crap...weepy woe is me.
Before he could close the bitching down apparently she said she stands by the horrible things she said in that phone call to him at Christmas and that I've "changed".
On a nicer note, we're going for a day out in the mountains with DB on Friday if it doesn't piss it down. I'm going to pop over with DCs briefly tomorrow.

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 15:34:38

Looks like DM is gearing up for a monster row (fueled by jealousy) with DB....

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 15:43:26

Ah, things seemed (reasonably) calm in your last post, G2B. What's happened since?

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 16:04:05

Well on Wednesday Db was to come here and watch an Easter procession, see the house and maybe have a bit of DS' birthday cake. We'd all (DH, kids, DB, Dm and me) been out for lunch on Tues for DS' birthday and then DS had his best friend round for birthday tea. DB said he might pop in but was knackered from travelling and fell asleep. So I said, pop over Wed and have a quick bit of cake and watch procession. She hasn't watched them for years...too much walking/standing etc and she'd been at dentist with DB and had to wait for ages, said she was stiff and sore.
So instead of just sayig...oooh I'm a bit stiff and sore, give g2b a ring for directions, I'll watch some telly, no no she says she'll "poit him in the right direction". He rings to say there on their way so I pop out with kids to meet them half way. So then, she does the "bye DS, I HAVE TO go home", sob, sob, wipes away tears. Makes a whole big drama where it wasn't needed.
Then we pop over yesterday (kids and me) to take DB ad DM out for coffee and to garden centre. We're chatting about somewhere delivering for free if you spend 10 euros.
Dm: "no, you said 20".
G2b: very calmly, no rancour "No I didn't".
Dm "Yes you did, because I thought it was a lot to spend on veg".
G2B: "No I didn't".
cue stroppy look..."fine, no need to get at me"
Another thing where she made it clear she thought I was being hard on DS (I wasn't) so I said something which made it clear I wasn't impressed with her interfering.
Today we went up to the mountains with DB for the morning and as we left she was doing the weepy thing and then once he got back she's started banging on about the will again. About that she wants it changed and I won't organise it and that she needs to get it notorised so "it can't be contested in the courts" he said, are you saying G2b would contest it (to do him out of his share) and she said "you can't be too careful with these things". He told her he didn't want to hear it and didn't want to spend his holliday talking about her death and she said "fine" and stormed out of the room.

Jux Fri 29-Mar-13 16:15:13

Ah, so as it's not been working on you she's turned to him and is trying it on with him. It must infuriate her to see her children are so close and can rely on each other so well, and trust each other. She's tried so hard to model that sort of behaviour for you both, hasn't she?! No wonder she wants to drive a wedge. Such a relief that you and db are above all that.

Have a happy Easter!

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 16:22:07

I think she's just so so so jealous and enraged that we have spent the day together. It's ridiculous because, had we still been living together I don't think she'd have been fussed. It's soooooooooooooooo good to hear about this narcissistic rage without being immersed in it though. not good for DB I mean...you know what I mean. He's texted to say she's calmed down a bit, probably knows she can't burn all her bridges....

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 16:42:01

Not really your problem is it, though? I mean, I get that you want to support your DB but he's been off in Ireland whilst you've had the brunt of this for years.

The same techniques as before will work, though - he can just deflate her by refusing to engage. She wants the will notarised - she can do it herself. I went back up the thread to check there wasn't a language barrier to her making the appointment and this is the exact same situation as in January, when you moved out. He really really shouldn't have asked her why she wanted it notarised, that just played into her hands and a blatant attempt to make it All About The Money a-bloody-gain.

So his best strategy is to say that he refuses to discuss it with you, you've just finished an enormous translation job and deserve some downtime. Therefore he recommends she books an appointment with the solicitor and then it's done. It's her will and her choice, there's nothing more to be discussed.

The weeping thing is so unbelievably tiresome and obvious. I hope it's not upsetting your DB.

At least, as you say, you have your sanctuary away from all this madness. It won't work - let her exhaust herself trying!

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 16:57:24

I don't think she'll push it too far with DB, he says she's calmed down.

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 17:09:13

The notorised thing is her way of having a difg at me by accusing me of being someone who would do him out of the money unless it was all secured very carefully legally...like he must be protected from my greed.

But why would you want to organize it for her. I mean she demanding you take her get her will changed and effectively written you out of it.

I know this doesn't bother you but still it a bit off. Not the behaivour of a normal person.

Glad you are having some fun/nice times with your brother and family.

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 17:48:27

Well, it's so that G2B will fall into line again - the money is meant to be the big stick of compliance and guilt. It doesn't work if she just goes and has the will notarised herself. G2B has to know she is no longer trusted (no longer inside the family circle for having demonstrated loyalty to her own DH??).

It certainly is all very bizarre, and deeply immature. Rise above.

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 19:15:18

G2B has to know she is no longer trusted (no longer inside the family circle for having demonstrated loyalty to her own DH??). That's it exactly and it's because I went for a day out with DB. We she are at war you see in her mind and I have commandered her supporter. It's hard to know what's normal when you've grown up with all these manipulations and games, but surely it's not weird to not see DB every single day he's here and for us not all to do every single thing altogether always? The 2 things he's done with us without her are things she claims to be too disabled to do (walking around and standing around watching processions and sitting in a car and then walking round a mountain village). Why can't she just say, "Oh, glad you had a lovely time with your sister and her family, fancy a cup of tea, yes I'd love to see some photos..." It's always always about her and how she can be the wronged victim in every situation. It's so tiring.
With regard to the will, I'm not getting involved, if she wants to change it, she can do it herself.

Why can't she just say, "Oh, glad you had a lovely time with your sister and her family, fancy a cup of tea, yes I'd love to see some photos..."

Because she needs you and your DB to be arguing so she can keep you separated she can slag you off to each other so you don't get on and she can be Queen Bee.

As it is you both know what she is like and discuss it between you and act together on equal terms.

Jux Fri 29-Mar-13 20:31:50

Quite, she can do it herself.

Let her tire herself doing the same old same old. You jusy try to find it boring as opposed to tiring!

Have a fab Easter, G2B and family!

tribpot Fri 29-Mar-13 20:32:16

I think you are meant to be putting up a much greater fight for the share of the inheritance you will lose when she remakes the will. I think she wants you and DB to be at each other's throats over it and by extension her favour. And I'm pretty sure she will try to repeat the cycle with your dd and ds at some point down the line.

GoodtoBetter Fri 29-Mar-13 20:40:52

The inheritance as it stands is that when she dies I inherit the house and he inherits all other monies. The idea was that I was living in the house, so if she died I wouldn't have to sell up and move out, that the house would be mine and he'd have the flat and all other money ad she'd save in the meantime in case the house was worth masses more than the flat. I was supposed to not spend my money in the bank in case that needed to be added to the pot for DB.
When we left she ranted and raved to DB that she was cutting me out completely. Last I heard she wanted the will changed back so that everything was split equally between DB and me (now that I'm not "looking after her in her last years"). As it stands if she died tonight her British will leaves her house to me, although I am not sure whether this would actually be respected as she is a Spanish resident and the propoerty is in Spain, so it may turn out to be goverened by Spanish laws of inheritance, which would split it equally, so there's not a lot of point fussing. It's a way to try to wound me, be making it clear she thinks so little of me that she thinks I might run of with DB's half.
But she shoots herself in the foot every time because it just helps strengthen my resolve and make me withdraw that little bit more each time. For someone so manipulative she's fucking stupid.

WingDefence Sat 30-Mar-13 09:39:19

Hi G2B

Sorry I've not commented much, I gave birth to DC2 yesterday morning but I've been checking up on here and wishing you well with your DB's visit. Sounds like it's going exactly as you thought - 'D'M trying it on with DB and DB not being sucked in. I know he's supported you from afar these past few months but it must really help your state of mind that he's seeing it first hand and is sticking by you?

Take care.

GoodtoBetter Sat 30-Mar-13 15:17:49

Wow, congratulations WingDefence! Girl or boy? Hope all went well!

WingDefence Sat 30-Mar-13 18:48:41

Little girl smile We already have DS who's 4 and he seems alternately smitten with her and completely not bothered!

It was extremely fast - I'd planned a home birth this time but she came 30 mind before the midwife arrived. Luckily DH called 999 for an ambulance literally 2 mins before she arrived so the emergency operator man talked DH through until the paramedic arrived 20 mins later.

Hope you've had a good day today and it's getting warmer for you smile

WingDefence Sat 30-Mar-13 18:49:09

*mins

GoodtoBetter Sat 30-Mar-13 19:43:58

Aww, lovely! I have 3.2 years btw DS (5) and DD (nearly 2) a it's a nice age gap. DD came quite fast (waters broke at 11pm, she was born at 1.25am) but not quite as fast as you!!
DB on his way over for a bit, been out with the pair of them for coffee this pm without incident.

Lavenderhoney Sat 30-Mar-13 19:56:47

Gtb, you and your db can easily deflate her by letting her do what she likes with her will. Just say " well it's your money, why don't you go on a cruise or something?" If you two have a good chat about the will, and agree what you both think is fair, her will will have no effect - you can do what you want after she is gone. I don't mean to sound callous but there is nothing she can do.

Don't let her ruin your relationship.my dm also disliked any kind of relationship she couldnt control and it drove her crazy that I spoke on the phone to siblings and didnt report back.

If she thinks the will is her last control, she might decide to leave it all to your ds! Just to drive a wedge.

Don't stress, just talk to your db, enjoy your break and actively - this is important- dont allow her to be your topic of conversation with your db- continue to build your relationship with your db with his life, future plans, watch a comedy together you both like, your life, future, so it's not all about her.

2rebecca Sun 31-Mar-13 08:00:17

Isn't some of the inheritence money she witters on about yours already though ie the 50k you got from your father or are you guarenteed to get that and this is extra money? As long as you get the money owed to you from your father then I'd forget about any possible inheritence from your mother, she may live to 102 and it go on nursing home fees. I don't regard myself as having any claim to my father's money, it's his and may all be spent before he doies.

GoodtoBetter Sun 31-Mar-13 09:49:15

2rebecca It's not the money, in fact it's always annoyed me, this obsession of hers to try to sort out/give away inheritance while she's still alive...just live your life and what happens will happen..I hate this doling out of money like favours (to control, obligate people). What I don't like especially about what she's doing now is the making out I am not to be trusted, as someone said before making it clear I'm out of the circle of trust because I rebelled against her. It's not the money, it's the way she's using it to try to hurt me. I'd rather she lived a nice life and spent what she wanted/blew it all and treated me with respect and kindness.
Having said all that it sounds like I'm really upset about this, I'm not...just another thing she irritates me about and another reminder she's not like normal mothers.
Does all that make sense?

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