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Silver heart pendant (name change)

(187 Posts)
Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 21:48:07

You may remember my recent thread about my DH and his female friend and the silver pendant, which went back to the shop. Sadly, and I'm not sure how, things have gone rapidly and horribly downhill and though we tried a few counselling sessions, DH has announced that, according to him, there is not enough left between us to save the marriage. We are living in some sort of horrible limbo, he says he is not seeing anyone else just that, after 4 marriages, he thinks he should be alone. We have a 5 year old daughter, and I have 3 older children from my first marriage, who love him.

Though he won't admit it, I think he is having a delayed stress reaction from 3 awful years of running our own business, plus a recent operation and bereavement. The issues re Caroline seem to have diminished though I suspect she may be in the background. Mostly, I think he just wants to stop the world and get off for a while. He says I tried to control him in the summer when I was worried about Caroline but agrees I don't do that now.

He says he is going nowhere at the moment, he hasn't been doing much freelance work recently so we are under each others feet all the time. I suspect he was hoping to go to his brother's locally but his brother has made it clear he doesn't want him there.

I am hoping if I can just keep everything calm, get him back to work on monday the reality of giving up his entire life will come into focus. I think he is severely depressed but he won't have that, as he is a mental health professional. He has promised me he will go to his GP but has cancelled the appointment. The strain is awful, I have lots of support but at home he virtually ignores me and won't touch me at all. I am heartbroken and terrified.

I can't believe he is planning to leave his child as she is his only one and he adores her.

Any advice?

garlicbaubles Fri 04-Jan-13 23:21:54

Ring your predecessors. They could help you spot any patterns.

I agree with this, I fear: "Husbands who disappear to play with their phone, buy other women jewellery and tell you they want a divorce are notoriously having affairs."

I understand what you mean about loving him and having invested together in your future as a family. He seems to have started withdrawing from that particular account some time ago. It's hard to face up to the fact that your partner's no longer on your team.

There's a strong parallel between investing more love in a weak relationship, and more money in a weak business. You've already made the money mistake.

Totallydistraught Sat 05-Jan-13 00:53:52

I suspect you are right but I am so devastated to have my life and that of my gorgeous DC's ripped apart. I look at him and I have no idea who he is anymore.

garlicbaubles Sat 05-Jan-13 01:01:08

It's horrid, isn't it sad Like a bereavement - the whole emotional landscape of your life has changed; you hardly recognise your own world any more. Please, please be very kind to yourself now. Nurture yourself, and rally as much real-life support as you can. Wishing you well.

Totallydistraught Sat 05-Jan-13 01:09:28

My parents and siblings have been fantastic and I have lots of friends locally who are great - offers of support all round. Am also worried sick about the financial aspects as I don't currently work since we sold the business last year. Still have an idea for self employment that will allow me to be there for my DC's which I am going to roll out when they go back to school. Just can't believe I find myself here when 4 weeks ago, it felt an impossibility.

badinage Sat 05-Jan-13 01:20:29

That's because something critical has changed recently. It's so painfully obvious that this involves another woman (and possibly her changed circumstances or a shift in their relationship) and it's heartbreaking to read your denial about that and the excuses you're making for why he wants out of your marriage.

The best and to my mind, soundest advice in these circumstances is that if he won't leave of his own accord and you can't move out, then you must withdraw all benefits of being a couple. No cooking or washing for him and while he's home, get yourself out and about while he cares for your children. Stop telling him your plans and stop trying to reason with him or begging him to reconsider. If he wants a separation, then that's what he gets.

I personally couldn't live like this though so I'd do anything I could to stop sharing a home with him while this is going on. He's an absolute shit of the highest order for saying he wants to leave but staying around like a bad smell.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 05-Jan-13 01:41:39

I think I said on your other thread that you sound like I did in April.

Making excuses for XH behaviour, dismissing the contact with OW as not part of the problem. Ignoring the Elephant in the room, which was OW. Blaming it all on a breakdown of some sort.

All because XH announced out of nowhere that he didnt love me any more.

You need to hear what you are being told here. Your XH is texting OW, he is not playing games. Ask to borrow his phone to play the game, I bet he won't hand it over!

You need to take legal advice on where you stand with the house and everything else. You cannot continue to live together indefinitely. Look into the tax credits and benefits. Declare yourself legally separate to him. And as said above, do not do anything for him. He needs to look after his own crap now!

You will be grieving for a long time for the loss of your H. I couldn't believe how much mine changed into a total stranger.

Totallydistraught Sat 05-Jan-13 01:59:04

Sad cow, aren't I? Always wanting to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

badinage Sat 05-Jan-13 02:28:27

I don't think it's just that, love.

I think it's denial borne out of shock, really. It's much easier to cope with thinking someone is ill, depressed and 'not of sound mind' than the more awful alternative that he's cruel because he's met someone else.

But I expect you know deep down that he's having an affair and that something has changed regarding that fairly recently, hence his declaration that the marriage is over.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 05-Jan-13 09:17:42

So sorry.

The fact that this is the 4th time he has chosen to run away from his marriage shows its HIM who is the problem.

He has issues that only he can resolve and he is choosing to do this by having an affair.

Take control by telling him to go and leave you space to consider your options.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 05-Jan-13 14:41:44

No, you are not sad for wanting to believe the best, you are human, you are a wife and mother who wants to save your marriage.

I infuriated people on here, by not believing what they were trying to tell me. i "knew" my XH and I knew that he would never ever cheat on me, that he was just supporting OW, that he would not do that to his best mate....

I tried to see the best in the whole situation. I went against all advice on here and did what I had to do. It ended in yet more tears, more heartbreak and more hassle that I could have saved myself, but even now, I know that I did what I had to do and that I have some peace of mind, that I tried everything I could to save the marriage. It was too late as he had checked out a long time ago, and that is what posters on here realised, that I didnt.

I try not to be harsh with people in the same situation as I totally understand how you feel, but you do need to start facing up to the reality of the situation and make some decisions for yourself, that will make you feel stronger, more able to face the future, whatever happens.

HullyEastergully Sat 05-Jan-13 16:46:43

four marriages?

four?

four?

and he's a mh prof

that = utterly hopeless narcissist who's vanished up his own arse a long time ago

Totallydistraught Sat 05-Jan-13 23:55:59

Thanks for all your messages. Sadly, I can't disagree with the views expressed, though I desperately want to. Going to hang in there a little bit longer, whilst being realistic about the future. Feel so desperately sad, looking at my 4 DC's, and knowing how hurt they will be.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 06-Jan-13 00:04:44

sad

I'm sorry you feel the need to 'hang in there' but you aren't the first and wont be the last. We do understand, so don't stop posting OK.

Totallydistraught Sun 06-Jan-13 00:07:37

Not for too long - am not a total doormat and if we do make it, there'll need to be lots of changes! But thanks.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Jan-13 00:09:38

You are "surprised" things have turned out this way ?

really ?

i expect his previous multiple wives are very much not

Totallydistraught Sun 06-Jan-13 00:15:45

He never had children before and I believed he had finally grown up, with the birth of our daughter. For 6.5 years, he has been a great husband, father and stepfather. Thats quite a while, though as you point out, I shouldn't be surprised at this turn of events.

What Hully said.

You're his fourth wife yet you still thought he'd be different this time? Crikey.

Get rid of the self-obsessed ringpiece.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Jan-13 00:17:11

You thought being a father would be the "making" of him ?

despite it being clear he is no more than a self-obsessed man-child himself ?

a triumph of hope over experience, it would seem

badinage Sun 06-Jan-13 00:18:50

What were you really after on this thread OP?

You said you wanted advice and everyone has said more or less the same thing.

Instead it sounds like you actually wanted posters to say 'stick it out. He might come round when his affair is over'

Good luck with that....

Totallydistraught Sun 06-Jan-13 00:18:59

Well it's been the making of him since 2007 but I've obviously been utterly ridiculous in trusting him.

Totallydistraught Sun 06-Jan-13 00:20:22

Don't know what I really thought, badinage, not thinking too clearly at the moment, what with my life and that of my DC's in shreds.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Jan-13 00:27:52

no, love, you have had at least 3 "awful" years

that's not a recent personality change

it's more likely this is a lightbulb moment for you

stop denying, and start embracing your rise to consciousness

this man child is a drain on you, and always has been

he is having an affair...and still you wish to turn a blind eye

what would it take to fully wake you up ?...you walk in on them in your bed ?

badinage Sun 06-Jan-13 00:27:59

Yes I understand that. but we are thinking clearly and can see that this plan of yours to wait it out until he comes to his senses is doomed to fail and that your own mental health is going to nosedive the longer it persists.

Totallydistraught Sun 06-Jan-13 06:36:54

We have not had 3 awful years together, I didn't say that - I said the business was a terrible strain for the last three years, we were a good team during that time. It's been since it has sold that things have gone downhill - about September onwards. It's been the speed of the unravelling that has shocked me.

SundaeGirl Sun 06-Jan-13 09:50:27

No idea why posters are turning on you, OP. Just because someone's been married before shouldn't automatically make them a lost cause.

Get some distance, get some legal advice (proper), and at all times think 'dignity'. Try not to be in the same room as him.

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