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Silver heart pendant (name change)

(187 Posts)
Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 21:48:07

You may remember my recent thread about my DH and his female friend and the silver pendant, which went back to the shop. Sadly, and I'm not sure how, things have gone rapidly and horribly downhill and though we tried a few counselling sessions, DH has announced that, according to him, there is not enough left between us to save the marriage. We are living in some sort of horrible limbo, he says he is not seeing anyone else just that, after 4 marriages, he thinks he should be alone. We have a 5 year old daughter, and I have 3 older children from my first marriage, who love him.

Though he won't admit it, I think he is having a delayed stress reaction from 3 awful years of running our own business, plus a recent operation and bereavement. The issues re Caroline seem to have diminished though I suspect she may be in the background. Mostly, I think he just wants to stop the world and get off for a while. He says I tried to control him in the summer when I was worried about Caroline but agrees I don't do that now.

He says he is going nowhere at the moment, he hasn't been doing much freelance work recently so we are under each others feet all the time. I suspect he was hoping to go to his brother's locally but his brother has made it clear he doesn't want him there.

I am hoping if I can just keep everything calm, get him back to work on monday the reality of giving up his entire life will come into focus. I think he is severely depressed but he won't have that, as he is a mental health professional. He has promised me he will go to his GP but has cancelled the appointment. The strain is awful, I have lots of support but at home he virtually ignores me and won't touch me at all. I am heartbroken and terrified.

I can't believe he is planning to leave his child as she is his only one and he adores her.

Any advice?

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 21:48:55

We have been together for 7 years and married for only 1.

SundaeGirl Fri 04-Jan-13 21:53:39

I remember your thread and wondered how you'd been.

I think it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he went and stayed somewhere else for a bit. Maybe it's only by putting a bit of physical distance between you that he'll see what he's risking.

Mu1berryBush Fri 04-Jan-13 21:54:29

Was caroline a woman he bought a necklace for ? I'd say it is pretty bullish of him to describe your not unreasonable desire to keep him focused on his marriage when his eyes have clearly wandered as 'controlling'. That is not fair of him. It's not controlling of you to expect your husband not to buy gifts for other women.

Don't allow this limbo to continue. It does sound AWFUL. Is he getting off on it? If he's so certain the marriage is over why does he stay? Is he totally insensitive to how painful that must be for YOU.

YOU have choices too. You can make him go if you want. Don't hang in there hoping he'll suddenly appreciate you. He'll respect you more if you demand that he stops behaving in such a cruel way and either walks away or appreciates you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 21:56:57

I think you're being remarkably charitable allowing him to behave this way towards you and attributing it '3 awful years'. Pound to a penny 'Caroline' is very much live.... Never mind that he thinks he's going nowhere. Why do his needs trump yours not to live in horrible limbo? Tell him to leave and work out his angst elsewhere.

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 21:58:44

He has spoken to a solicitor who says I can only get him to leave via injunction as we co own the house. I think there's something odd about the way he is allowing me to suffer. I really don't think he is well, he has made some wild accusations against me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:01:58

If he's unwell he needs to convalesce ... but well away from you where he can't make you suffer any longer. You can actually ask your GP to send a mental health assessment team if you're really worried.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:02:31

You've mentioned the '3 awful years' of running your own business a few times. Was it really that bad? For him? Or you? Or both of you? Or is it a convenient thing to hang all his bad behaviour stress on and not look at other, more personal, reasons why (he's causing it to) it's all falling apart?

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 22:07:00

Business was utterly terrible - care agency, terrible cash flow problems, running it from a distance. 365 days a year 7am - 11pm. He once had to be taken to hospital from the side of the M3, thinking he was having a heart attack, but it was a panic attack. Finally sold it this year, after company buying it knocked £40k off asking price on day before completion - the final insult. Left us with a lot of debt - also part of the problem.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:11:26

Oh, that does sound bad sad

Whether he's ill or a scumbag he's making you suffer. You sure it's not because he doesn't give a shit? He has been having an EA, after all. Sickness and in health and all that but perhaps after 4 failed marriages he should be on his own.

ZenNudist Fri 04-Jan-13 22:11:30

I saw your original thread, I'm sorry things are unwinding for you. Christmas is a very stressful time, perhaps your instinct to give it a but of breathing room is a good one.

I'm sorry but I think the OW thing could still blow up. At very least she might not want to leave her dh but your h may be holding a torch for her.

You need to get your dh to explain what he wants, and make him see that realistically he can't stay in your house and be separated. He needs to leave if he wants to separate. Otherwise it's just his old life with licence to shag other women. This isn't healthy for either of you.

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 22:30:36

My DS and I are watching a film on the TV, whilst DH has spent the last two hours sitting in the garage, smoking and playing on his phone. I feel so angry but don't want to provoke a row.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:32:53

Playing on his phone or texting the OW?

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 22:36:53

I think the former, plus obsessively checking Facebook. I think it's mostly a nervous response.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:39:16

You're so convinced he's unwell sad What's he going to do about it?

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 22:41:57

He says he will go back to GP - he has promised. Mental health professionals are notoriously stubborn in this area!

TheBOF Fri 04-Jan-13 22:47:35

Yes, and husbands who disappear to play with their phone, buy other women jewellery and tell you they want a divorce are notoriously having affairs. Are you quite sure you are being honest with yourself?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:41

Hiding in a garage using a phone and checking facebook and you're not getting 'OW' from that behaviour? Seriously?

HappyNewHissy Fri 04-Jan-13 22:53:32

Let him go. Detach.

You don't want to settle for this shabby, broken man, he's screwed up his life and making you suffer.

No man's worth that. What are you teaching your DC about relationships?

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 22:56:50

I have asked him outright a number of times about another woman - he says no. It doesn't really matter now, if he doesn't love me, it doesn't really matter to me.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:58:48

Of course he says no! grin

He's already dumped you, you know.

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 23:01:57

Yes, I probably do know that, but despite his crappy behaviour I do love him, he has worked incredibly hard for us and we have been very happy for a long time. I don't want to give up so easily, though he seems to, it's all happened so fast, that's what's worrying me.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 23:08:44

Is this his fourth marriage or did I misunderstand your OP? Ill step into my judgey pants and say that he's just running to form and you'll just be another broken hearted and utterly confused EXW he's leaving in his wake.

I hesitate to say but I think I'd find it easier to let go of him knowing he's done this three times before. He must have some serious best behaviour early game and 0 staying power.

Totallydistraught Fri 04-Jan-13 23:12:51

Yes, am his 4th wife, that's partly why I didn't rush into marriage. He hasn't had a child before though, and I naively thought he was committed to the future long term this time.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 23:15:12

Book an solicitor appointment on Monday to arrange a separation smile Research one specialising in divorce and family law now.

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