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You'd think he'd have the brains to delete the evidence before giving me his password!! gutted :-(

(94 Posts)
NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:09:16

I met someone end of July last year. Everything was great at first but then various stuff happened that made me think hmm photos on facebook for instance that he'd hidden from his time-line but had appeared on someone elses public wall, he started being a bit more protective with his phone ... just general low key hmm behaviour but because it was so slight, I just let it go and told myself I was being paranoid.

Well, the other night he gave me his email password (we're joint organising something and everything is going to his email address). However, the password he gave me didn't work. I told him. He ummed and arred and then gave me another password. This one did work.

So anyway - a couple of days later (today) I'm on there and go onto the sent messages folder to see what he'd organised already to see what I needed to do. On there, was a message to a woman reading the following:

"Hi there, I was looking at your profile on Plenty of Fish and notice you say you can't upload photos. Would you be willing to send me them via your email address? Take Care, D* x "

This was sent in October last year.

What should I do??? I've been on POF, can't find him on there, no other incriminating evidence in his email - but I feel sick with disappointment.

We're supposed to be going out tonight to celebrate something, I was really looking forward to it but I don't feel I can just brush this one under the carpet sad

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 13:41:07

Dear Norrie, Sorry this happened to you after 6 months. But also SO glad you got the clear answer you probably needed. If its any consolation something similar happened to me angry though in a more casual short relationship. His response when confronted was "Oh I just do it for a laugh" (go on PoF that is).

I don't know if you should tell him the reason or not, whatever suits you really as you now have all the power . I am curious, he must have been a d**khead in other ways too, though, or was it completely out of the blue??

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 13:41:36

You must be horribly in shock NorrieAnne, have you got a mate who can be with you?

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 13:44:29

Yes, as Cogito says, he will have excuses and explanations ready if you meet him, why give him any more headspace?

I would want to be a little bit eeeevil too and just drop wordlessly. He does not deserve a genuine explanation anyway.

But your call!

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 13:48:34

I'd bet you anything if you give him a chance to speak hell be rude as hell to you. He'll have had the rest of today to come up with something and if it's a sincere apology I'll eat my hat.

Deep breaths, OP

LulaPalooza Fri 04-Jan-13 13:48:58

Oh NorrieAnne, I'm so sorry you're feeling so shit sad sending un-Mumsnetty hugs your way. It feels truly, truly shit at first but, in time, you'll be glad you found out and that you found out now before you invested even one more day in this arsehole.

I'm with tzella in terms of action (obviously) - I wouldn't let him come round to yours, I would dump him publicly. Although i would make sure he bought the drinks in first...

badinage Fri 04-Jan-13 13:49:00

See, I'd always tell a bloke why he was being dumped for this. If more twats realised that women weren't prepared to put up with this crap, maybe they'd think twice. If she says nothing and just dumps him, he'd be stupid and entitled enough to feel victimised and blame the OP for being 'flakey' or somesuch. He needs to know, but not face to face.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 13:49:27

I know you probably don't want to look, but from the content of the messages is it possible to see if he's met any of them? Because I think he will try and claim it's "only chatting," "just a laugh" etc.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 13:54:53

bandinage I do broadly agree re: educating the ex as to why he's just become an ex but in my case 1. We'd been through it fruitlessly before and, if I'm honest 2. It was a tiny bit of revenge

mcmooncup Fri 04-Jan-13 13:56:52

Or his mates put it up there for a laugh......
Or it is actually his mate's profile.......
Or someone must have hacked him.......

The list is endless.

It's all horse shit though.

loopylou6 Fri 04-Jan-13 14:04:31

What a twat. Id deffo be editing his profile.

LookBehindYou Fri 04-Jan-13 14:09:20

Ask him with an open mind. Maybe he had sudden cold feet with you. This email was sent just 3 months into the relationship. Is he acting suspiciously now?

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 14:11:37

Lookbehindyou he was messaging last night while at OPs house!!

I did this when I found ex on Adult Friend Finder. Changed his password, then wrote him a new profile.

It explained exactly what was happening, not the pathetic pity party he had played out.

And yes, I changed one of his "stats" to button mushroom too!

Don't have him round, don't waste anymore time on this twunt. And upload a picture on his POF site too. He is playing games, that's why there is no picture of his twunty face on his profile. Make sure you change the honest part too.

Definitely edit his profile, and change his password. Dont make too obvious changes, as you dont want him to discover them straight away.

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 14:15:58

I do see where Badinage is coming from, seeing as you seem to have had quite a serious relationship with him for those months. Also if you give him a simple "reason" he is more likely to stop badgering you. Though I would bet a fiver he will give various excuses as suggested.

I think the worst thing to do though is to get into a discussion about it. Once you have told him, ideally by text, I think the best thing to do is to completely ignore him completely, even change your mobile number.

Are you OK, OP?

badinage Fri 04-Jan-13 14:16:41

....which she'd never have known if she hadn't snooped further. But c'mon folks - would you really put up with a bloke fishing for new partners at any time while he's in a supposedly relationship with you? Surely no-one's standards are that low??

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 14:18:49

I was scared what my ex would do if I allowed him to come to my house sad Meeting him in public was the only way, even if it meant I had to carry tons of his stuff.

Hope you're OK, Norrie.

LookBehindYou Fri 04-Jan-13 14:53:09

tzella I missed that bit! Once early into a relationship if nothing happened could be forgiven but this can't. I'm sorry OP. You must be feeling really hurt.

OrangeClub Fri 04-Jan-13 16:46:44

My ex boyfriend did this. For three years when he was dating me, living with me, talking about getting married to me. I will be honest - it destroyed me. The lies, upon lies, upon lies. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. I'm still not over it now really. I don't trust anyone any more.

I took him back for a very brief period last year because I missed what I thought we had, a connection etc. It was the most stupid thing I have ever done. What followed was more lies and more emotional abuse.

He is with someone else now. And I know he is still registered on the dating sites (and sending messages to people) because my friend is also a member of a couple of the sites.

Men like this do not change. They just destroy you and move on.

lilacbaubles Fri 04-Jan-13 18:53:55

I'm so sorry this happened, but at least now you know to end it.

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 19:35:57

He came around, I confronted him. He lied. Admitted it when he realized I knew - said he only did it as he was confused about his feelings for me - obvious bullshit.

On POF I found he'd been messaging women about intimate encounters, asking if they had "age limits" (as he's 41, they were early 20s).

I'm half pissed now anyway so prob not making much sense. Fuck em, they're all the same. Every bloke I've ever been with has lied and treat me like shit, why would he be any different? more fool me for falling for the bullshit.

I'm off out tomorow night for a girly councelling session with a mate so all is well with the world.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 19:48:53

NOT more fool you AT ALL. It would have been more fool you if you had forgiven him because you thought you could "make it work" and then spent the next year panicking every time he went on his phone or received a message.

Through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN you've been put in a shitty position and you have dealt with it perfectly.

And hopefully the seedy wanker will be told exactly where to stick his "intimate encounters" with young women.

Have fun tomorrow!

ProphetOfDoom Fri 04-Jan-13 19:56:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionreality Fri 04-Jan-13 19:58:19

I am sorry to hear this NorrieAnne, you must be feeling awful. Did you meet him on POF? Please try not to be disheartened - the reason I ask is I spent a bit of time on POF and found that it wasn't the best place to find someone decent.

chucksaway Fri 04-Jan-13 20:03:34

sorry youre going through this

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