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I've got a bad feeling about this woman.

(119 Posts)
suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:18:04

I've name changed as I think I would be to recognisable otherwise.

I'm not sure whether I am right to be suspicious or its just my insecurities taking over.
My DP has been working at his current job for over a year now. This woman started working there after him. I've not met her nor any of his other work friends.

Recently (since having a baby) I've noticed he's bringing her up in conversation quite a bit. She has bright red hair and he keeps commenting on how red hair is sexy and I should dye mine that colour. I've noticed she's been posting on his facebook a lot with cryptic messages or inside jokes and puts up pictures of him. Recently she wrote something French and sort of romantic on there. Anyone can see that he's engaged and apparently she's in a relationship.

Now he works with lots of women that I've never thought twice about but I've got a strange feeling about her. He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends.

Our relationship has been a bit strained since I've had DD and I don't know if I'm just feeling insecure because I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self or if I do have reason to worry.
Surely if something was going on she wouldn't be posting things so publicly? It makes me sad to see how happy he looks in her pictures, I've not seen him that way in a long time.

What do you think? How right can instinct be.

AgathaHoHoHo Fri 04-Jan-13 06:42:44

I told him if she doesn't mean anything to him he has to stop talking to her. He said he was upset about doing that but didn't say whether he would or not.

This says it all. At this point, he is considering only his own feelings. If he was really thinking about yours, or the effect this emotional affair (at least) was having on your relationship, he should be telling you he would cut all contact with her.

FWIW I don't think you sound in the least bit controlling. The opposite in fact. I think that you have tried hard to be a 'cool partner', not minding him going out and having a compartmentalised social life even though you have a baby. That's not done you any favours. He has taken that inch and run with a mile. He needs to grow up and be a better partner and a better father.

Is relationship counselling an option?

jynier Fri 04-Jan-13 03:09:54

Trust your instincts!

Don't know if this will help but a friend was in a similar situation a few years ago. She invited the woman to her house, plied her with vodka while remaining completely sober herself and then regaled the prospective OW with lots of stories about her DH's shortcomings. He was squirming with embarrassment at his wife's honesty, coupled with her hilarious stories about his uselessness, and no longer looked like a good catch. They are still together. He did know that she would take him on financially if he left her (they're rich!) and admitted that he had almost fallen for the flattery!

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 03-Jan-13 21:44:21

This could just be the way my mind works and I really don't want to put more ideas in your head but I find the fact he rings you all the time could be preemptive so you don't ring him when he's busy bantering with her.

VitoCorleone Thu 03-Jan-13 21:40:06

So first she wasnt attractive, now she's pretty?

I really dont think i could put up with this behaviour, its one thing having friends of the opposite sex but i think your partner and this woman are crossing a line here.

He admitted he wouldnt like it if the boot was on the other foot so why is he doing it?

badinage Thu 03-Jan-13 20:55:28

I think unless you're prepared to be a bit more proactive and covert about this, all you can do is spell out to him the consequences of him having an affair, with this woman or anyone else.

And mean them.

What are you going to do about the stuff you both know about, like the lack of sex and affection and his lack of work in the house and with your child then?

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 18:54:48

Things sound promising OP, can you get him to take on the child care more, he needs to feel a bond with DD.
He should give up his single socialising and choose to spend time as a family.
Perhaps you could by busy and 'out' having fun when he rings (even if it's sitting in the local caf with a pretend friend), that might make him wake up.

imFINEthanks Thu 03-Jan-13 17:52:00

OP.

I've been in your shoes. You should be aware of this woman and your h's potential vulnerability to an affair. Buy the Shirley Glass book.

I wish I had 6 years ago.

suspicion Thu 03-Jan-13 16:39:49

Brandy I don't get him to ring me, in fact I find it rather disruptive sometimes that he rings me 3 times a day. He does it while he's out having a cigarette. I also don't make him come straight home, he does it at his own accord. I am in no way controlling of what he can and cannot do.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 03-Jan-13 16:04:03

Tbh I think your relationship is already down the toilet by the fact you check his private stuff and make him ring you all the time. I don't mean that to be nasty I just personally think if you don't trust someone to that extent it's not a good place to be in for you or him. No way would I put up with having to ring a partner every break and come straight home and never have time to myself which I'm not accountable to them.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:01:42

I really think you need to get this book:

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

The problem is that the only person who can stop this from going any further is him - he needs to address his issues and boundaries in order to prevent himself from going down that slippery slope.

loopylou6 Thu 03-Jan-13 15:00:45

Wow he's done some back peddling hasn't he?

He first said she wasn't attractive and had 'squinty' eyes.

He's a cheating toss pot OP.

juniperdewdrop Thu 03-Jan-13 14:50:37

He sounds like a bairn saying he thought she had squinty eyes and now admitting he fancies her. Although it was obvious he did.

She probably doesn't fancy him anyway and is just a flirt? Still stinks though.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Does he know you have access to his passwords? Regardless, I'm sure you don't need telling to keep your eyes open, I truly hope this works out well for you both, we are always here if you need to talk.

forgetmenots Thu 03-Jan-13 11:05:55

Sorry OP - I see you think he might do that. I still think his response stinks.

forgetmenots Thu 03-Jan-13 11:05:18

His response is that he will tell her they have to be more discreet?!

shock

So much for having nothing to hide.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you have tried to be understanding but whether this is physical or not (and I would bet my life savings it is), it is an emotional affair. I think you need to get away from him fof a few days. This is so out of order.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 03-Jan-13 10:00:52

I think it would be a very good idea to get the Shirley Glass book 'Not Just Friends'. It's often recommended here and talks about appropriate boundaries in a relationship. Even if he isn't having an affair, the book will help you discuss where things are on the slippery slope to one. Also, he'd be less able to say that you are being unreasonable if it's there in black and white.

suspicion Thu 03-Jan-13 09:47:54

Thankyou for all your messages. I didn't get much sleep last night but have been thinking about it some more. I'm pretty sure that its not gone as far as an affair yet but I'm pretty sure he's thought about it. He's got low self esteem right now from putting on lots of weight and I think he's enjoying having someone to flirt with.

Because of messages between him and a male co-worker of his on facebook, I do think he has just gone to his when he's gone out. He hasn't had any time to have a full blown affair, he always rings me on his breaks and comes straight home after work.

I got one last conversation with him last night before bed and he admitted that he thought she was pretty and they share the same sort of humour, but he doesn't like her that way. He had nervous body language and I could tell he wasn't being truthful.

I pointed out how its not nice to laugh in my face about it and how would he feel if it was the other way around, to which he admitted it didn't look good and he wouldn't like it if a man was doing the same with me.

I told him if she doesn't mean anything to him he has to stop talking to her. He said he was upset about doing that but didn't say whether he would or not. I know I'm not going to achieve much from that as it depends on the scale of things. He might go and tell her they have to be more discreet but in that case I have his email and Facebook passwords so can check if they start communicating more privately.
My logic is that if he truly no longer speaks to her she would stop posting things on his wall. So if he tells me he's stopped talking to her and she's still posting things I will know he's lying.

kittybiscuits Thu 03-Jan-13 08:10:32

Unfortunately I agree OP that your instincts are well-founded. As well as the specific concerns about this particular red-headed person, I am also alarmed that your OH has so much built-in privacy, that you would have no idea where he goes or who he is with when he goes out.

I would give some thought to mayisouts idea of a preemptive strike. It's not about finding proof - very difficult when he has manipulated himself into such a position - it is about the mistrust and concern he has generated, and about the arrogant response to your questions. Good luck OP. I think you can take back some of your power here.

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 07:55:57

Actually, I think if you read my last post and it makes you a bit angry and annoyed with your DH that would be a good thing. As long as you are doing everything at home and for baby he can sort of ignore you, however if you get a bit shirty and expecting more of him it might just wake him up to what he stands to lose.

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 07:49:45

On the other hand I would ask him to leave. He is messing with you and your daughter's lives and rather than wait for him to decide what nasty new surprise he has for you you will pre empt him and tell him to clear off to the redheads as that is obviously where he wants to be.

In the hope that taking away the illicit excitement of secret texts and flirtations the romance will fade and he will decide that maybe you are not such a bad person after all and he wants to see his baby so will come home with his tail between his legs.

I think that I would choose this rather than the torture or wondering what he is or isn't doing and going slightly mad with worry. Once the decision is made you can start to look after yourself instead of obsessing about him.

Also the reality of years of maintenance payments and childrearing (without you to do the bulk of the work) might shake his confidence a bit.

I doubt you are ready to contemplate this situation OP but considering it honestly might make it not seem such a bad prospect.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 03-Jan-13 06:56:40

I would turn it into a joke, I would laugh and say how was your crush today darling and I would tell people in front Of him ad laugh about it.

He might have a crush on her he might really fancy her but you don't know he's done anything about it. Everyone in a relationship can fancy other people especially as your not very intimate understandably at the moment so I wouldn't be so quick to kick him out and assume affair.

It could be he's working with this woman they click a bit and flirt and mess about, doesn't mean it will go any further and hopefully he will snap out of it soon enough. I wouldn't push him further away by being needy and insecure I would joke about it.

Just like to make a point you read on here quite often about women (because it's a majority woman's forum) that they have a crush on a guy at work what do they do about it they don't want to leave their husband as they love their husband. This could be that.

FellatioNelson Thu 03-Jan-13 06:37:39

Oh dear. sad It doesn't sound good does it?

What I will say though, is that if he is already in an affair with her then they will probably STOP posting stuff on one another's FB walls, to avoid causing suspicion. Is is still going on, or has it eased off since he started being distant with you? He could just have a massive crush on her (which would explain the constant mentioning her, the red hair thing etc) - maybe she has no idea and thinks she is just indulging in harmless banter with a mate. But if he is emotionally invested then you have a problem.

Or they could already be having an affair, but I honestly doubt they would carry on the blatant and very public flirting/banter if they were. I'd be more concerned if that suddenly stopped.

Are comments at all one sided, or are they both indulging equally? Does your DP know you can read them?

lunar1 Thu 03-Jan-13 06:29:06

Hope you are ok op. it doesn't sound good from what you have posted.

sleeplessinsuburbia Thu 03-Jan-13 06:14:32

He took the dog for a walk to delete text messages etc. he'll be ready for any questions you have now!

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