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I am a walking cliche - advice on getting the spark back

6 replies

needasilverlining · 01/01/2013 11:54

Been married 7 years. I adore DH to bits - best friend, makes me laugh, rely on his judgment and advice etc. Trust him totally and absolutely believe he has same feelings for me.

We have sex about once a week. It's good but in last couple of years has got very... polite, for want of a better word. From openness and experimentation to euphemisms and fitting in a quickie between DCs' bedtimes and our dinner.

Last night we started to have NY shag and ditched it after a few mins as obvious neither really interested. Granted, we were just back from week away and totally shattered but have never done that before. Or not done it before, IYSWIM.

Part of me thinks this is about standard for thirtysomething parents of two under-6s with fulltime jobs. BUT I don't like it, I'm terrified of ending up just drifting apart.

We both have some problems with anxiety but not on medication. Do still fancy each other but seem to have lost knack of wanting to act on it.

I want the lust back. Where do we start? We talked for a long time and agree we need to make more time, touch more, go out alone more but wanted to ask if MN harpies have more to add...

NC, BTW. Promise not troll hoping for lingerie descriptions.

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needasilverlining · 01/01/2013 14:17

Anyone?

OP posts:

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DeckSwabber · 01/01/2013 14:42

If one of you wants sex more often than the other I can see it could be a problem, but otherwise you might need to just relax and not expect so much of each other and yourselves. Once a week is quite a lot for some couples!

Could you arrange to have a weekend/night away? Fix up a regular 'Date night'?

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BadDog · 01/01/2013 14:43

those words " date night" make me come over all Littlewoods Catalogue and to quote Victoria wood " beat me on the bottom with a woman's weekly"

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DeckSwabber · 01/01/2013 14:48

oh dear... well, you know what I mean. Some time away from the children doing something nice together.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 14:53

"I want the lust back. Where do we start? "

Best sexual relationship I had was a long-distance one where we only saw each other every other week or so! Very athletic (TMI). It's really difficult to get that worked up about a partner when you're living in each other's pockets 24/7 but you can get somewhere close if you consciously decide between you to avoid full sex for a fixed period whilst, at the same time, increasing the flirting and other affectionate stuff like hand-holding, kisses and so on. Does two things, I think. First is that it takes the pressure off.... no more feeling obliged to have a shag just because it's Saturday, NYE or there's a window in your diary. Second is that heightens desire which, if you're lucky, will peak about two days before your deadline expires. :)

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needasilverlining · 02/01/2013 17:57

Some really good points here, thank you. The one about pressure made me kick myself a bit; I'd have said we didn't pressure each other, but of course when Friday night has become Sex Night, it rather takes the urge away but at the same time makes Saturday a bigger deal and so on...

I also liked the idea about agreeing not to have sex for a bit and ramping up the flirting.

I was trying that yesterday (we both were) and then after horrible day of decluttering, DH offered me back massage and er, things were Much Improved. Am really hoping we just lost our way a bit but can find it again.