Daft question: can you stop yourself falling in love?

[mariefrance1]

I have been seeing a guy for five months. After a promising start, he made it clear he only wanted a casual relationship. I have pretended I am ok with this (I'm not) but he has blown hot and cold throughout. He texts daily but we only see each other every few weeks or so. I have tried to end things as I have found the rollercoaster of emotions difficult. He has kept pursuing things though and I have gone along with it as I like everything about him and I keep thinking he will change his mind and want to be with me.

After seeing him at the weekend, he is all keen again, telling me by text that I am gorgeous and he loves me!

I have started to feel that flippy stomach thing when I think about him. He is in my head constantly, from first thing in the morning till last thing at night. I have played it so cool but I am not feeling cool. I am worried I am going to fall madly in love and get hurt. Life is complicated for me with small children, an impending divorce and house move (among other things.)

So my question is, can you stop yourself falling for someone? Can you control the feelings? When did you feel you were 'in love?' Was there a moment or was it gradual? And what should I do - should I end things before I get seriously hurt? I could never tell him how I feel. I think he would run a mile.

[BelleoftheFall]

He's messing with your mind and to be honest I think he is aware that he is doing so. He knows what to say to pull you back in when it seems like you've had enough but he won't commit: he likes you enough to keep you around but doesn't see this as a relationship or something that will be a relationship. If he did he would have more consideration for your feelings: telling someone you only want something casual and then going on about how you love them is shitty behaviour and I've seen friends go through this same situation before. They'll use the "I only wanted something casual" line as a shield when you inevitably get tired of being messed about by mixed messages.

Someone can't act the way he does and not know that it's taking the piss: he's just seeing what he can get away with and is probably confident that you're too into him to tell him to take a hike.

I think you've become infatuated and with all the hot and cold and confusion and general turmoil you're going to find it really hard to get over your feelings while still seeing him.

[bestsonever]

Depends what he is doing in between seeing you? Busy with work commitments and other things or out with other women? As he has said he loves you, seems fair that you explore further what he meant by that given that previously he has made it clear that he only wants a casual relationship. Ask him straight then you will know. Be self aware also as falling for him like this after he has said it's only casual may be a sign of being on the rebound. You may be grasping the next thing out of fear for the future. Certainly do not involve your kids in this until you have got honest answers from him of where he is at. I'm concerned that the in between sweet texts may just be the way he keep you and others 'on the boil' till the next casual encounter, he ma=y just be doing this as he has guessed your feelings and is using them to his advantage.

[mariefrance1]

Thanks both, I think you are spot on. He is keeping me dangling and when I back off, he pulls me back in. It is not healthy is it?

[heyelp]

No it doesn't sound healthy to me. Red flags all round.....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You can't stop yourself liking someone but you can certainly control your actions towards them and you can recognise when you're being taken for a fool. Keep panting around him hoping for a few crumbs of affection and all it'll ever be is that he says 'jump' and you say 'how high?'..... and that's not a relationship of equal partners, that's letting yourself be taken advantage of.

[WoodRose]

I was in a "relationship" like this for 5 years. Like you, when I pulled away, he would crank up the charm and protestations of love, etc. I fell for it hook, line & sinker. On reflection, I don't think I really loved him, but my self-esteem was pretty crap & it was intoxicating to be "adored" and made to feel gorgeous. Like you, I felt I couldn't tell him how I felt for fear he would run a mile - a very good indication that it isn't a "real" relationship IMHO. In the end, I broke off contact. It was probably the most difficult thing I ever did but it forced me to sort out my own self-esteem issues and I am now a much stronger, happier and confident person. Funnily enough, I recently bumped into my old heart throb. After several years of NC, he tried to pull me in again! Although my heart (treacherous beast) performed several somersaults, sensible head said "remember, a leapard doesn't change its spots". I know that I deserve someone who will cherish me; not use me and so do you. Have a look at the Baggage Reclaim website. Lots of good advice re Mr. Unavailables.

[meddie]

Its hard to stop how you feel about someone but you can reduce it by going no contact. change your sim, refuse his calls and dont meet up. gradually the feelings will lesson. His constant hot and cold is fuelling your infatuation. When he blows cold you feel miserable, sad then he suddenly is all interested and you feel happy and you then associate the happy feelings with him and this further fuels your infatuation. he's offering you rewards in the form of feel good brain chemicals. Like a drug or a pavlovian dog.
From personal experience if a man is truly in to you, he doesnt play games, he just wants to be with you.

[Sallyingforth]

After a promising start, he made it clear he only wanted a casual relationship. I have pretended I am ok with this (I'm not) but he has blown hot and cold throughout.
It's not all his fault is it? You lied and said you were happy to be casual, and that's how he has behaved. If you now want something more, you need to be very clear about it and tell him it's all or nothing. Put yourself back in control.

[digerd]

Falling love is one thing, your heart is ruling your head. I fell in love several times when I was a teenager, but the first time, I went off him after 3 months. No fault of his own. The second time I did not go off him but broke it off as my head knew he was totally helpless, literally, and he wanted us to live together in this fantasy, which would not have lasted. I was only 18, but I knew it would not work.
If I can do it so can you .

[Squeegle]

I am in a similar position. I am completely obsessed with a man I have been seeing very casually. Despite the fact that we work in the same office he easily goes a week or so without contacting me. Before Xmas he just said see you next year (away with kids and then again at new year)

Frankly, it's really spoiled my Christmas. I can't stop thinking about him. But all his behaviour indicates he's just not that into me.

I don't think obsession like this is love though is it? Don't you think it's more about us wanting to be loved so much, and getting obsessed with someone who for whatever reason is not emotionally available.

I know the answer is within myself, loving myself, doing good things etc etc. but I'm finding it hard. Not least cos I am in the midst of separating from an abusive and alcoholic partner, and desperately am looking for some nice things in my life!

[mariefrance1]

Thanks for the advice everyone and I know you are so right. It needs to end or I can't move on. I can't work out what he is getting out of it to be honest. You either want to be with someone or you don't. It's so simple to me!

[VanderElsken]

This is familiar behaviour. Just not that into you, I'm afraid. You deserve better.

[Stonefield]

Men are really simple creatures when it comes to relationships. If they want to be with you, they will be. He is stringing you along, to boost his ego. Get out, if you still can, with as much of your dignity intact as possible. It will probably hurt like hell. It will get better. We have all been there.