Am I doing the right thing here ...

[NorthStaffsBloke]

Morning All, and Happy New Year.

I need a bit of help (yes I am a bloke on MumsNet let's make that clear - I hope the username helps, I have also edited key geographic county and ages so as not to identify me or anyone else)

Scenario
Cutting straight to the chase she's a single mother with two kids (6 years age gap between them (still in primary schooling) from two fathers. The youngest sees his dad on a regular basis and that is all amicable with them. The oldest does not have a father he doesn't want to know. She is currently unemployed but wants to get job / hobbies / etc as soon as the youngest is in nursery.

I think she's great we talk non stop for hours we're in touch daily and I feel very comfortable at her home and go round there a couple of times a week at the moment sharing time and some good food. Initially it was because she said she doesn't get out and about much with having the kids so I made the effort to be a good friend and keep her company.

Well I am now at a position where she has made it very clear that she wants to go further than just a friendship and I have been reliably informed this from others in the social circle.

But ... I have questions running through my head about the short and long term impact on any relationship we attempt to form.

1. Is it right of me to feel that if it goes wrong I will have let her and her kids down? considering she's been a bit low over the last couple of months. I feel that if I launch myself into this then it goes wrong I will feel terribly guilty. (why do I feel like this? is it because I'm wondering why it didn't work out with her previous partners?)
   
   
2. How do I deal with the kids? I have no parenting experience I do however enjoy playing games with them and have looked after them a couple of times when she's been out. The eldest said the other day when I was going "don't go" I asked why he didn't want me to go and he bluntly replied "because you're cool and funny" The youngest will happily come and have a hug and sit and read a book with me or show off his cars and other toys.
   
   
3. How will my involvement affect her financial position she currently receives some maintenance, state benefits and housing benefits. At what point does she need to let the council know etc ... (actually more to the point if it went wrong how quickly could she get back on the relevant support mechanisms)
   
   
4. Ok this one's really bugging me I am completely OCD about tidiness ... the house however has stuff everywhere! I want to literally empty every room and start again. She has some nice stuff and it's all fine it's just messy and disorganised! I've made it clear with the kids from the first time I went round months and months ago that when I played a game with them they had to put it away before I would play the next one. Is that right of me?
   
   Help appreciated here thanks! There's loads more Q's but those are the ones at the top of my thought processes at the moment.
   
   Looking forward to any advice you can give.

[4aminsomniac]

Sounds like you are thinking of moving in right away!

Take it slowly, discuss any issues that crop up (straight away!), and don't move in together until you are really sure of the relationship: I'm thinking years not months!

[Thisisaeuphemism]

So, can't you have a relationship without moving in? Why don't you be girlfriend/boyfriend until say this time next year. Then the answers to your quite appropriate worries will be clear.

[bestsonever]

Not sure how far your 'friendship' has already gone as it seems a jump from mere friends to moving in - which is at the point benefits get affected. One the one hand, if you have kissed and more then you are already beyond friendship.
I just wonder how long you had known her befoer you were introduced to her sons and how long you have known her(you mention month's ?). It's good that you have thought of these points but not so good if she hasn't herself being their mother. No way would I let a man I did not know well look after my child while out, that's not a slur on you as you sound quite genuine, but is she just lucky and did she get to know you well enough before involving the kids. Btw, if you are thinking too hard about how splitting will affect things, couild it be that you are not to sure already about things working?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

You will have nothing to feel guilty about if you try and fail a relationship.

However, you will both have a lot to feel guilty about if you start living together as a family and allow the boys to think you are there for good and then it falls apart because you don't know each other at all.

Seriously, why rush things?

[meddie]

agree with all of the above. What's the rush to move in.

[Piemother]

Benefits are only affected if you co habit. Take it slowly and see how it goes.
Asking questions/advice about all these things is v positive and sensible.
Good luck

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Another one saying 'take it slowly' because currently you're fast-forwarding things mentally and wanting it all to be perfect before you've even started. Sounds like your need for tidiness goes a lot further than picking up toys. :) For example, there is no 'right way' to deal with kids because kids are not one amorphous lump, they are individuals with different personalities & motivations like anyone else.

Go the traditional route of dating, getting to know each other and gradually being a bigger part of each other's lives rather than leaping from where you are now to full-on cohabiting. If there are significant differences or concerns, talk them through together & find a compromise. If the differences are too great and there is no compromise, accept that you or she may have to call it a day. Also accept that it's human to make mistakes, things will go wrong and you can't avoid 'mess' (figuratively or literally) when you're part of a family.

[ImperialBlether]

If the youngest child isn't yet in nursery, he must be what, two or under?

I think you two are both thinking far too fast. If she was on here I'd advise her to get a job and be financially independent before she got too involved with someone else. Since you are on here, I'd say, what the hell are you doing thinking of moving in with her at the moment? Why the rush? Those poor kids will get very confused if it doesn't work out. You don't know really why her past relationships didn't last, do you? If you move in you will be financially responsible. Her younger child at least will think of you as a dad. Her house is a mess even though she's at home all day (and don't all start yelling at me!) and you don't like to live like that.

Get to know her better. Encourage her to find work. Find out what happened to her other relationships and why the youngest child doesn't see his dad. Don't rush into anything.