Crotch grabbing, jelly nailing, double-quick portions and man parts floating in a pear tree...dating thread 33 survived Christmas so bring on NYE!

[OhLittleTownofWesternWind]

Here we are!

[lubeybooby]

Oooh hello thread 33

Been so busy I had to give up on the last thread

I might have a NYE date

[BantaBaby]

Yay. Here's to dating. I'll post my pearls of wisdom in the morning. They shall be threefold, assuming I can think of them.

[OhLittleTownofWesternWind]

Whoo hoo Lubey tell us more!

Bant - thank you for the pep talk. Much needed. I wouldn't actually say any of this whittly shit in real life, that's why I love this thread so much. I can get it out of my system, get good advice to put things in perspective and then sally forth disguised as a rational, functioning human being.

Velvet - thanks. No idea what is happening with the divorce - hope it's all going through but I don't really like to ask as it sort of is and sort of isn't any of my business.

Don't fret about the car stuff. If it's meant to be, not having a car won't stop anything.

[OhLittleTownofWesternWind]

The Threefold Pearls of Banta Baby - sounds like the title for a novel there . . .

[VelvetSpoon]

Lubey date, we need details!!

Western I get that re the divorce. Its that thing of wanting to know, but not wanting to ask. Sure it will all be ok though :)

And I'm not going to worry about the car stuff. He thinks I'm stunning, and I seem to make him laugh poor man is clearly both a bit blind and a bit stupid so hopefully a minor detail like not driving won't put him off

Am trying to think of some dating pearls of wisdom, here's a couple:

1. Men will often tell you what they're really like, either in their profile, or in messages before you meet.
   

Red flags include, but not limited to, bitching about their Ex, losing/not maintaining contact with their DC (and being passive/apathetic about it), having unrealistic expectations, ie saying in a profile they are looking for a woman who is , being in contact excessively (constant texting or calling) and/or being needy in relation to contact, ie if you're online and don't instantly message them, they send you a message/text asking if you're ignoring them, or something slightly more PA like 'missing you'

1. Following on from 1, people online are not always as they seem.
   

blurry photos can often (esp if person is fairly attractive) be a sign that they're fake - Juliette I think suggested that you can search the photo(s) in google images, and if it's on a public website (facebook, twitter, etc) it will come up on there.

Free websites (POF in particular) attract a lot of people who are married but claiming to be single. I have been caught out on this one myself. If they're excessively cagey about personal details (a bit of reticence is normal), only online/in contact with you during working hours, or v v early in the morning/late at night, be on your guard.

That's probably about all my poor tired brain can think of atm... :)

[mercury7]

I'm tempted to say something about pearls and swine, but I think that'd constitute shooting myself in the foot in some way.

Just logged onto dating site, flooded with messages from (I presume) drunk men, hows this for openers:

Hi
Cracking set of legs.
Are you into quite big thick cocks. X

I didnt reply, he sent another with exact measurement, I blocked:o

[FlorentinePogen]

@ Mercury

Christmas greetings to you all from The Far North. Hope all you daters had (at least) a little bit of happiness and something to lift the spirits. We watched a programme on Sister Wendy on BBC2 tonight - possibly the best prog on TV this Xmas. So, in the same spirit, here's the best thing David Crosby ever did, IMHO.

[KirstyWirsty]

Morning .. Just marking my space .. Can't sleep

[SevenSnapespearesSwimming]

Place marking & dating tips, threefold.

1. Develop a very thick skin very quickly. You will get obnoxious messages from people who would hopefully not introduce themselves in real life by referencing their penis. Block, report etc.
   
   
2. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. You might see someone who looks 'ideal', message them & invest a lot of head-time in someone you not know. They may not message you back. Keep looking.
   
   
3. be pleasantly surprised if you meet someone & they are as tall as they say they are...& as young. It's the Internet, people lie.

[ThatsNice]

Loving the OD tips! I'm sure I must have some too.. Will have a think

[Yogagirl17]

Morning all.

Kirsty why can't you sleep..too much Coffee?

Mercury you really should warn people that you get these comments on an 'intimate encounter' site rather than the more mainstream ones - you don't want to scare off the newbies!

Ok, dating tips

1. Main dating sites discussed on here are POF (Plenty of Fish), OKC (Ok Cupid), Match and GS (Guardian Soulmates) - they all have both good guys and wankers although in slightly different proportion.
   

1. POF - free site, lots of men just looking for sex, lots of men who can't string a sentence together, if it gets a bit much you can hide your profile and just search for and contact the ones who you like the look of.
   

OKC - also free, slightly higher literacy rate than POF, but can be quite wordy & boring. Also lots of marrieds & scammers on OKC - watch out for anyone claiming to be a serviceman abroad!
Match - free to set up but have to pay to message. Never got on with it personally but lots of people like it.
GS - free to set up but have to pay to message. Better chance of men who are literate and not just out for sex but unless you're in a big city, very limited choice.

1. Don't feel you have to reply to everyone who messages you - esp on POF! If their opening gambit is 'hey sexi' feel free to block, block, block.

[OhLittleTownofWesternWind]

Here are mine!

1 Don't be surprised if you don't get rude messages and photos and it's all quite civilised, even on PoF.

2 Meet up as soon as you feel comfortable to do so, to see if the spark is there and to avoid building up a fantasy picture inside your head.

3 Don't be too proscriptive about what you're looking for in terms of things that don't really matter.

[BantaBaby]

Wow, shouldn't have waited so long - all my good bits of advice have already been given - except:

1. You can get good results from the free sites but it will usually take a lot more work sorting the wheat from the chaff
   
   
2. Always trust the worst photo - if someone has several of them then they are unlikely to look like the best of them in real life. Similarly, if people have poorly written profiles with lotz of txt spk, they're unlikely to be much more eloquent in person.
   
   
3. Exchange a few emails and possibly a phone call (some people skype to see the other person) - but not weeks worth. You can build up an imaginary relationship over lots of emails and in person you can get on, but there's just no spark. Move on. Everyone is wittier behind a keyboard, it's only after meeting someone two or three times that you actually get a feel for the real person.
   
   
4. Be polite. You're not obligated to meet anyone you don't want to, but if you've said you will and change your mind then let them down gently. No one likes being stood up.
   
   
5. You're really very unlikely to meet the person of your dreams first time out, so keep other options open. That said, you have to decide for yourself when this person that you've met several times is worth concentrating on and don't go back on the websites to see what else is out there. Only do that once things seem off with the person you're dating. Too much temptation paralyses your ability to settle on 'good enough' if you keep looking for 'perfect'
   
   
6. Be prepared for Vanishers, Secretly Married, Weirdos, Fetishists, Stalkers, Bunny Boilers, and lots and lots of 'meh. But occasionally you can find someone fantastic. And Do Not Tell People About The Dating Thread. This is where you tel the rest of us your lovely/funny/horrible/amusing stories and we all learn from each others mistakes and successes.
   
   Right, that was more than planned and I blatantly nicked other peoples bits too.
   
   Good luck

[48howdidthathappen]

Hi all

My favourite gift www.amazon.co.uk/Wild-Words-Women-2013-Box/dp/1449416357/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1356515502&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Full of great quotes. Flicking through I like 'You cannot cure the past'

Dating tips. Thinking hat on.

[MsArsebiscuit]

I'm not sure that I've been doing it long enough to offer any good advice but the one thing that I would say is that it's better to approach the whole thing as a bit of fun and a distraction, then you might be pleasantly surprised if you meet someone fantastic.

[48howdidthathappen]

Not sure I agree with the worst photo thing. My photo is crap, trying to hold the hysteria in while my daughter took it, not a good look.

All the men I have met have said I look much better in real life. I should hope so

Never thought any of the men I have met have looked worse in RL than in their photos

[lubeybooby]

Details.. well it's Mr iPhone. There was a spark when we met before, but I was still with BC so never pursued anything. He's dragging his heels over setting an actual date though so if he doesn't get a bit more decisive soon I'm going to lose interest and wander off..

[Scattylatte]

Morning all

1. You will get a lot of 'what you looking for (hun). Generally it means they are looking for sex.
   

1. Don't be surprised if after a few civilised messages things get into 'are you up for fun Hun?'
   

1. If you meet someone and you don't like them, it's ok to say so, be firm and diplomatic.
   

1. Never take it personally if people vanish.

[fayster]

Hope everyone survived yesterday intact?

I know it's not related to dating, but I'm still laughing at 'automated laser monkeys' from DW.

My tips (for OD):

1. Treat OD as a way of meeting people rather than a partner, and try to have no expectations. Don't think about actually fancying the other person until you've met them!
   

1. In addition to a thick skin, make sure your self-esteem is sky high. There's a lot of rejection in OD, some of which is related to the 'kid in a sweetshop' mentality and unrealistic expectations. People see a whole website of attractive people and assume they can have whoever they want.
   

1. Remember that a lot of people aren't on the free OD sites looking for a relationship. Sift through them, though, and you will find the genuine ones!

[48howdidthathappen]

My tips.

Believe/pretend you are the best thing since sliced bread. Not in a cocky way. More self assured.

Make your own rule book. Stick to it.

Listen very carefully.

Follow your gut.

Do not make yourself to available. You have a life.

Have fun. If it feels too much like hard work. It is.

[VelvetSpoon]

These tips are brilliant - well done all!

Lubey, him not fixing a date would make me lose interest too. Hoopefully now Xmas is out of the way he will sort himself out.

I woke up to a text from spaceman this morning. Again :) must try to remember the don't build it all up in your head before first meeting tip. That way when I decide I don't like him he bins me off for being fatter than in my photos and not being able to drive I won't be disappointed!

[mercury7]

lots of great tips! I think one of the easiest pitfalls is getting to involved/invested before you meet, only to find there's no spark in RL.

I can only think of one tip which hasnt been done...I've found it helpful to browse through other womens profiles.
It gives you an idea of what you'll need to do to stand out (or fit in), and a better sense of how to sell yourself in a profile.

[JulietteMontague]

Dating tips, I agree with everything said up thread. Some tips for keeping you safe. There are the obvious tips like not giving out too much personal information like where your home is but the best advise is to trust your instincts

If you feel uncomfortable about anything, pay attention

You do not have to agree to, do, reveal anything that you do not want to. This will not make you unfriendly, uptight, not fun or whatever, it will make you someone who knows where their own boundaries are.

If something seems 'off'' about someone this is not you being picky, this is your instincts telling you some is indeed off.

We've all made mistakes, it's just part of the process. If you feel OD is not working for you, take some time out, re-assess or just have a break from it.

[Movingforward123]

Hey everyone happy Christmas jut checking to mark my spot

[BantaBaby]

One from my experience. Having the first 'date' be for a quick coffee instead of drinks or a meal gives you a reason to get out sooner rather than later if things aren't panning out. But coffee on its own, especially in a sterile place like a Starbucks, tends to lessen the chance of a spark happening. Instead, meet for coffee in a nice relaxed place where if you both want to you can grab a drink or food and keep on chatting. You have to judge the fine line between enough booze to make you relaxed, and so much that the beer goggles kick in and you'll regret it later.