I've name changed for this as I don't think I could be completely frank about things otherwise?
A couple of years ago I decided to give internet dating a go. After a few mismatched dates I met someone whom I hit it off with so well and was so on my wavelength, it felt like I'd known him all my life There was instant chemistry, shared interests and brilliant banter and we fell in love very quickly. He was the sweetest, kindest man I had ever met and I couldn't believe my luck.
Fast forward a year and my world crashed down when DP ended our relationship. He said still loved me, but that he "couldn't cope" with my reactions to things - by his own admission he is incredibly sensitive and despite the fact I was never abusive and aggressive towards him, I could get very stressed about things and just didn't realise how much it was affecting him. My ex had been flighty and argumentative and I'd had to shout to be heard and this had created aftershocks with DP.
I was devastated - I'd had several serious relationships in the past lasting many years each, but this break up hit me the hardest of all. In the past I'd been able to move on because it was clear that the relationship had run its course, but if I was the love of DPs life like he was mine, why wasn't he willing to give us another chance? He said he was scared of hurting me even more if it didn't work out again.
After a month of feeling so wretched that I could barely get out of bed (it actually terrified me that the split had hit me so hard, I was inconsolable), something happened that I'd never banked on - DP wanted to give our relationship another try. He said our time apart had made him realise that he loved and missed me too much to let me go and that he hated himself for being so much of a coward. We agreed to try again.
Bearing in mind what went wrong with DP the first time round, I made a huge effort to deal with stress in a calmer way (in fairness DP never asked me to change, it was me who wanted this for myself and for us). In turn he said he would make an effort to be honest if things were bothering him, rather than him concealing concerns for fear of rocking the boat. The deep love we had for each other hadn't diminished one bit and I was finally able to make sense of the pain I?d felt during our split ? it hadn't been for nothing, it had brought us both to realisations that had made us stronger.
Anyway, I've now been back with DP for as long as we were together the first time and we haven?t clashed once - in his words I?m the most loving, giving and loyal person he has ever met. We agreed to take the relationship to the next stage and move into together at Christmas, but a couple of weeks ago when I asked him if he?d had any doubts about us since we?d go back together he completely blindsided me by saying that a few months ago he'd considered breaking up with me again but hadn't said anything to me or anyone else because it was his problem not mine, that I'd been the "perfect girlfriend" and that he was a "wimp" who had since dealt with it. When I pressed him further he admitted that he was struggling with the concept of being "someone's everything". Despite us both being 33, our relationship is by far the longest and most serious he's ever had (and not because he's a player either, he was actually celibate for years, due to lack of confidence) I'm financially independent, own my own house, have plenty of interests and hobbies, etc, so it's not exactly like I'm reliant on him to be my "everything" in that sense - however in my mind, having someone to be your rock and your emotional support is the best thing about being in a relationship, and surely what most people ultimately want? He assured me that it WAS what he wanted and he definitely wants a future with me, he just needed to get his head around this after so many years of being alone.
The problem is that I am now constantly on edge and keep expecting for DP to break up with me any minute. I keep a diary have and find myself constantly rereading the happy times we shared during that month he said he was having doubts, looking for clues and finding none whatsoever, instead recalling conversations where he said he hoped to marry me one day and be with me for the rest of our lives! When we got back together, I told DP that it was crucial to our relationship for him to tell me immediately if something was wrong, as opposed to keeping it bottled up like last time. He KNEW how important this was to me, yet he still kept this from me for months. He's apologised and said he didn't want to worry me because it was his problem (it's not you, it's me!) but through not being straight with me he's made it worse
All I want is to feel secure and but how can I feel like that now? I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now the defence barrier's going up. I find myself wondering all this time whether I put DP on a pedestal. Since his admission I've been looking at him in a "warts and all" light, his messiness and scatty nature exasperating me far more than before, for example, although the chemistry and the companionship are still there as much as ever.
So, what am I asking? Has anyone else been in the situation with a man who was afraid to commit and was able to work through it? (and this is NOTHING to do with him being unfaithful / wanting other women - this is purely to do with him worrying he is not "man enough" to be everything I need and he is fearful of letting me down. I should stress that he is NOT a man-child - he can cook, will help round the house, doesn't sulk, rely on mummy or anything like that. He is however a big worrier.)
In your experiences can relationships work a second time around or do they break up first time for a reason?
If this relationship ended it would turn my world upside. I adore DP more than I thought I'd ever thought it was humanly possible to love anyone, but since his revelation I'm worried sick and find myself second guessing him all the time. Is this a normal response to his revelation or am I overeacting?
Sorry for the long post, I really needed to get this off my chest.
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Relationships
It's not you, it's me...
Winterbluesinmyhead · 11/12/2012 14:45
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